Spilling Thoughts

Spilling Thoughts,

I know I always say it has been a while, it has, and I swear it never feels like anything has changed until I go back and read my blogs and figure out what has changed since I last posted. Well let me start from my last post. The Halloween party went really well actually, everybody had fun, there was a little bit of drama, but there was sexy dancing and fun costumes and I really enjoyed myself and I think everyone else did too. Cameron slipped out early from the party and I followed him to his car and was asking why he was leaving early, he just said he wasn't feel good, etc etc, which I honestly knew the reason why he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to see me with Lee.. which I mean I understood, and I was trying to comfort him and all of a sudden he grabbed me and kissed me, and we kissed and kissed some more and it was hot and it was passionate and it was everything I missed about him, and I hate that I missed that about him, it was wrong, and it was cheating on his girlfriend, but he never minded that.. so after we finally parted, he went home, I went back inside feeling pretty sad, I just tried to stay close to Lee after ignoring him for most of the party, we went outside and smoked and it calmed my nerves down, so I sat next to him and leaned my head on him. After the party was over about 12, I had to drive him home, and he asked me to get out of the car to hug him, so I got out and he clinged on to me so hard when he hugged, I thought he was never going to let go, he hugged me like I was a long lost family member that he had loved and missed for several years, like, so full of emotion it was honestly really intense, and scary somehow.. then we pulled back finally after probably 30 seconds, and he was like oh screw it and kissed me, and I kissed back, and wow. It was.. pretty interesting.. we didn't kiss for that long, then I drove home and he started texting me about how amazing I was.. the next day, we hung out and I got to see his apartment, he asked me out and I of course said yes. So as of October 26th, 2013 we are official. After all of that, I ended up cutting, and went back to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed as bipolar, so I have been on Lamictal for a while now, I have been feeling pretty good honestly, I was nauseous for the first few days of taking it but it cleared up and now my normal appetite is back but I think the binge eating is a little better, Not sure actually about that one. No cutting or anything though so far, so thats good. Oh. We are for sure moving as of December 4th, we found a house in Gainesville, it's really beautiful and I'm really excited. I'm going to be living with Lee until January though when I graduate so that I won't be a hour away from school. I'm nervous to see how that will go honestly, I don't know if he will get on my nerves or if i'll get on his or something.. I'm just hoping for the best.. My parents are super stressed about the move, but I know they will love the new house very much when everything works itself out. I'm just super stressed out that I am failing math currently, a 49.. I am seriously pissed at myself and scared that I won't graduate early if I can't get this credit.. Everything else is on the back burner until I can get this grade up.. Nothing else is really new, Daniel is still chasing after Laura pretty bad even though shes dating some new guy now, I haven't talk to him much anymore honestly.. I just have nothing to say for him.. I'm so angry that I wanted him for so long and now that I could have him, I just don't want him. I wonder if thats how it would be if I got frank back.. would I realize that what I have now is better without him like I did with Daniel?  Thats the scary part.. being so uncertain.. I wish I just knew what would happen after every choice I made, I would text Frank right this very second if I knew I could have him in my arms and talking to me night after night again.. but I know those moments are gone forever, and only now I just have to find someone new to trust.. I hate that.. I hate spilling my heart to people who don't even know who I am and then I just dump all of my crazy on them, and it makes me feel so vulnerable because once my insecurities are out, they have every possible way to destroy me.. and Frank.. oh... he destroyed me.. when he knew I needed him, wanted him, he left.. I don't really understand how people can do that. I don't know how anyone can be that heartless honestly.. It just baffles me to no end. I shouldn't linger on him anymore though, he's rarely in my thoughts anymore, just tonight I saw his name in my phone and it made me think, and I don't want to think.. not about him anymore.. I swear I think about people that just shouldn't matter anymore, they're always in my thoughts and I always consider what I could have done to be better for them.. or be better for myself.. I would fix everything with everyone I have ever had trouble with if I could. I can't stand loose ends in relationships, it honestly just weighs me down like a huge anchor and I don't know if some day it could drag me under again..