Wavering Sobriety

Alright so I just got off work. I'm sipping on coca cola and some blackberry whiskey. Lets see where the words will take us tonight.
First off, I don't know if I'm back in my phase of mood swinging or what but after vacation, I don't see me and Ashton lasting for long. I'm too difficult. I'm too difficult for anyone to be honest and I really just rather be single at this point rather than put anyone else through the hell that is ME.  Now let's be honest.. there are people out there who can handle the worst of people and I'd be considered easy, and I love those types of people but sadly I don't have enough of those people in my life. To most people I'm just difficult, stubborn, selfish, too loud, etc and all of that fun stuff. I don't want to really back out of my life though and stop being me, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing. The alcohol is hitting me way too hard clearly cause I don't remember how I truly feel anymore. I work tomorrow and then by 10pm I am on vacation time! I'm honestly just praying that it goes smoothly... me and Ashton were already arguing about wether to bring a rig for dabs on the road trip. I paid for everything though and I feel like if I'm the one driving, I should have the say what goes in the car or not.. especially if it's my moms car.. I'm just terrified that the first out of state rave experience I'll have, will also be my first experience in jail. I'm also terrified that we wont have as much fun without our actual rave family going. It'll be just me and Ashton.. and the last two raves we went to, we weren't as close of a couple as we are now.. I think my cousin and her bf will be fine though. I just want everything to go according to plan.. but there really isn't a plan.. thats the issue. Perhaps I am a control freak, or perhaps I am just afraid of chaos. Perhaps I am just a cheater, and not really a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I am self destructive forever, not somebody who is recovering. How do we truly even define ourselves half of the time? I can't be the only person who argues with themselves about who they truly are inside, and how they really feel? I never know which feelings of mine are real and which ones are fake, I don't know whats contributed to PMS or bipolar, or which ones are truly established emotions. Don't you know how scary that is? I always have to wonder WHY I feel a certain why, I can't just accept it and move on. I can't just decide I don't love someone one day and then leave, because I don't know what makes me truly feel that way.. so I stay. and I stay. and I continue to stay. because the cycle repeats.. It always repeats.. thats why people ask me why I stayed with a guy who was abusive to be but... I couldn't ever reason the emotion to why I felt like I should leave him. Maybe I feel like I should be abused, maybe I feel like I should be pushed around and manipulated, maybe I need that in my life to show me how I used to act towards other people. I don't want to be in love with anyone at this point, I just want to be done. I don't want to keep pretending that I can love just one person and be committed to them. AT this point, i've already fucked up my relationship, that part is just a secret though. A secret I wish I wasn't hiding but theres not really any option. I keep a lot of secrets. But are they really secrets if sometimes they just never need to be told? I feel like it really fucks someone up inside to know that they have been cheated on. It really fucked me up. Maybe it was the fact that it was in person, maybe it was the fact that he didn't tell me himself, that the girl had to do it, maybe it was the fact that she was prettier than me and more than I could ever be. I don't know. How could I knowingly tell someone I cheated on them and deceived them when I know exactly how they will feel? Isn't it just easier to carry on as nothing happened? Or is that cheater logic? I feel like you should know when someone has been unfaithful, I feel like they carry an energy around them that tells you that they have been up to no good. I sure as hell felt the uneasiness of my ex before I knew why he was creating that aura. I just had a feeling that something was off, that something was bad, that I was being.. fooled? Maybe other people don't pick up that good of senses. I swear sometimes I'm crazy when I talk about auras and everything. I just constantly feel really in touch with the universe and other people. I know better than to let people lie to me and go behind my back, and perhaps that is why I'm so good at going behind others back.. Nights like this I really wish I could just take some pills and never wake back up.

Coming Out

Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. I wrote my feelings out last night and my ex messaged me while Ashton was spending the night. I didn't see it until 6am of course or I would have instantly messaged back.. but it's just so crazy that he messages me at the most random times. I knew he had been thinking about me, because I had been thinking about him too. Yesterday, I was talking to one of my friends and I have come to the conclusion that I am polyamorous/polgyamist  which is defined  as: a mating system in which an individual has more than one mate simultaneously that can either be male or female. And I'm also pansexual: not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
 I honestly think this has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. but when I think about all of the relationships I have been in, I can honestly say that I have never been pleased with just one person. I always seeked more and more and more, even if my partner was giving me as much as they possibly could. I've cheated in all of my relationships, it doesn't matter how much I love/d that person, It still happens and I've come to the conclusion on the fact that I need more than one person. I don't say this as in the fact that I'm not "loyal" or "commited" to my partner, I say it in the means that I just don't work like that. My brain is not happy with being exclusive to one partner. I'm not happy single, and I'm not happy in a monogamous relationship, so I honestly think I need to explore my boundaries and see what will make me happy. I don't know if the bipolar could be playing a roll in this, or maybe it's just my sex drive.. I'm not really sure what is going on with myself. That's why I told Ashton last night that I needed to talk to him about something, but I wanted to wait until we took our trip to Colorado first. I just don't want anything potentially to ruin the relationship with 9 days left before we leave. I want everything to go smoothly. We were fighting all fourth of july weekend, but last night we spent together and we kinda got on eachothers butts a little bit but after it all, we watched a movie and cuddled and made out (and other stuff ;)) and it was an amazing night to get to enjoy the house to ourselves with our little puppy. It was much needed after being apart for almost two weeks. 
Admitting to myself that I am different is such a stressful thing though. I feel like society is going to outcast me for even speaking out loud my thoughts about this idea I have in my head. I just don't know how I'm ever supposed to be truly happy if I can't find a partner who is willing to be open to what I need. I mean.. In theory I think I'd be happy if I could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I can talk so much easier with girls than guys, but I can love equally both just as much as they need it. And then think about all the threesomes. (Hahaha... not really.. but... yeah.. thats a perk). But at the same time, it's not about sex. It's not about sex at all. I don't want sex from multiple people, I'm not greedy in that way (or am I?) I can be sexually satisified with just one person.. multiple times in a row.. I'm not really sure. That's why I'm afraid to speak these things to others.. Cause how can I explain it properly when I can't even think it out properly? All well. I guess time will tell. Funny how when I was younger, I never thought i'd be interested in girls.. let alone, be interested in dating more than one person at the same time.. BUT If I actually think about it, when I was younger and online dating, I was "dating" more than one person at once and it was so thrilling to me and thats what I enjoyed. I wish I had the chance to even try that, but the town I live in is definitely not accepting of that at all.. my parents wouldn't be accepting and I don't know if I could find a guy who loved me enough to share me. I think that's honestly a lot to ask out of partner and what if he just said yes to make me happy.. but deep down kept his negative thoughts towards it to himself? I don't want to do that. I just want to make other people happy, but if I need something out of a relationship... shouldn't I be able to get it? isn't love about sacrifice sometimes? I've sacrified a lot for all of my relationships.. I think if me and Ashton break up over this, the next person I date, I should be 110% honest with. I have jokingly asked Ashton if he'd let me have a girlfriend and he said yes.. but when I actually explain my real feelings.. I don't know if he would be so quick to say yes anymore.. or he might just think I'm lying to him so I can justify cheating on him or something. Who knows... But wouldn't it be cheating to try and find a second partner in the first place? Or is it all just consensual? I don't really know how this works. Someone help. 

Inner Ramblings

Inner Ramblings, 

I find it so hard to write anything unless I am emotionally at capacity. So much has happened, I guess I will just try and spill my thoughts to this blank page and hope that at the end I feel some sort of relief for letting this all out. Mostly, I have just been beyond stressed with thoughts of the future, I don't ever feel like I will be able to get out of Texas, I don't know where I would go, the idea of facing all of this alone with nobody to hold my hand is absolutely terrifying to me. I don't feel prepared in even the slightest way and I keep going back and forth on whether I want to major in nursing or art. The problem with mental illness is that you have to plan your entire future around it. For the rest of my life, Everything will have to be "bipolar approved" for me, I just don't think I will ever be able to have a job that would give me a week off because I am going through a manic episode.. I just don't ever seeing life working out for me. I feel so trapped and I don't feel like there is any place for me to go. I don't feel welcome at home any more, they are trying to push me to move out but the only place I really want to go is New York and at first my mom was supportive about it (as she usually is about my ideas) and then when I get more serious about it and make actual plans she decides to not give me her support anymore and tell me that I can't do it (this is no surprise, both my parents do this shit to me).. I feel like any direction I try to head in, I am shot down instantly by either myself or somebody else.. Me and Justin had been dating for two months last week. Two months of having to go see him, but being as happy as I could be with him. I was falling for him until he cheated on me. It ruined my trust for him but I forgave him because I knew that I wanted to stay dedicated to him.. we had the best two months, we went out on a fabulous two month date, out to chili's and to go see a movie and we had sex afterwards but it didn't feel right.. Ever since he cheated, I had felt like my emotions for him was fading fast.. he forced me to tell me that he loved him so then I never knew if it was because I did actually love him or because I wanted him to be happy.. He didn't finish that night during sex and I asked immediately if I could go home (which is rare, it was 12am and I usually always spend the night with him), I drove home and cried the whole way home, beyond convinced that I wanted to break up with him, that I could be better with out him. Saturday, I accidentally found out that he was still friends with the girl he cheated on me with on Facebook, even though he promised me up and down that he would block her and never talk to her again no matter what, I told him that he had a choice to make and that it was me and her, and he selected me at the time.. but then finding this out.. that he had lied.. made the pain just stab in to me.. I texted him and I asked him why he lied to me. And he played it dumb at first, saying that he had added her but never talked to her.. and I threatened to talk to HER about it and he confessed that he had been talking to her every week or so so that he could make sure she hadn't killed herself.. and told me that he didn't think I needed my permission to talk to her.. No.. You didn't need my permission, you really didn't, I understood why you needed to talk to her, your heart wants the best for people and its hard to just drop somebody who meant the world to you.. I get that. He dated her for longer anyways.. 2 months doesn't compare to 8 months with somebody.. even though you gave me a piece of you that nobody else will ever have now. I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.. and so I told you I was done. I gave him his warning a long time ago and he didn't take me seriously. I didn't think that he was cheating on me again, I believed him when he said that he was only checking in on her.. but I should have been told.. He could have told me.. He didn't need my permission but I feel like as his girlfriend I should be aware of who he talks to.. and he had been obviously deleting his texts from her (which he promised I could see his phone whenever I wanted but i never checked, only looked over his shoulder when he opened up his phone). I don't really know why this is upsetting me so much. I wanted to end things with him anyways and I needed a reason.. but I didn't want this to be the reason. He didn't even text me back to the last thing I said, he deleted me on everything, blocked me on facebook, anything he could possibly do to get away from me I guess. But if he really loved me, wouldn't he have fought for me?? You don't fall in love with someone and just let them walk away from you... You don't let it go down without a fight... You just don't do that.. He didn't try to even console me at all, he only said "Sorry".. that was all you he fucking said.. "Sorry."  Sorry... Sorry... Sorry.. Those 5 fucking letters don't fix anything.. and that was when I knew it was over... Two months, shared secrets, shared bodies and now we are strangers.. like we were never even together at all. It took minutes to end two months worth of progress and I find that utterly heartbreaking. So after that morning/afternoon of that drama, I went to go hang with my friends and we smoked a lot of weed, I felt happy, we did some molly for the first time and it was the most ecstatic feeling ever.. I found this description of doing molly online and I believe this is SPOT on to how I felt -  "At its best? It feels like joy. Like standing in the presence of God and knowing you are loved without reservation. It feels the way you haven't felt since you were a small child, absolutely alive, absolutely in the moment, able to feel and experience and share with others without fear or hesitation. It is the most perfect moment of the most perfect day of your life, when trouble was nothing but a memory and the possibilities rolled on forever. It is the achievement of the inner peace the religions try to sell but rarely deliver. At its best, MDMA is one of the finest, purest, most profound experiences life has to offer." I'm not religious at all, but this is what I would expect it would to feel like if I were to meet a higher being such as god. I felt amazing for about 10 hours, then the come down sat in.. and it was 9pm and I hadn't slept in 30 hours and I started to panick because my pupils were huge and I wasn't necessary feeling bad but I was having flashes of being too hot, panicky, jittery, shaky, mumbling to myself.. I was glad my mom decided to leave me alone yesterday.. probably because she figured I would be sad over justin.. I had an amazing night though, I didn't think about justin.. until about 30 minutes in to rolling when it kicked in, I texted him without me even realizing it and told him that I loved him but I fucking hated him for lying to me.. why couldn't he just tell the truth? He never replied back of course.. and I never wanted him to. I know he feels as bad as I do. But he is hiding his pain.. as most guys do, he's not posting it on the internet, he's not trying to leave a trail of his hurt emotions.. Or maybe he feels nothing at all? Who even knows. Anyways.. so the night consisted mostly of just listening to dubstep music and talking a lot on our dealers bed, one of my friends got sicked and puked about 6 times but we tried to let it not destroy the good vibes. When we had to go back to my friends house, is when the peak of the drug started coming in, I started talking real fast and I got overly excited and just everything hit me at once and it was the most amazing feeling and scary because it was new.. I accidentally texted one of my crushes and we started talking about college at first and I admitted to him I was rolling hard as fuck and then my whole like inner shield just came down completely and i told him how bad I had been crushing on him, how i have wanted him for almost a year but hid my feelings and I told him WAY too much.. (openness is a side effect of molly, i learned this later) and surprisingly he took it well, he told me that he had liked me too and was attracted to me, just never knew i was interested in him since he was still heartbroken over his ex. And we chatted and he let me roll and talk to him and made him laugh a lot. I don't know if things will ever go anywhere with him but it took a huge relief off of my chest just to have somebody to talk to.. I didn't really think about justin anymore until I laid in bed and I started scrolling through tumblr on my phone and I realized how much I missed him.. but then I told myself that was the molly talking, I don't really miss him, I missed the attention he gave me.. But I will find that again.. I will find somebody better and I know that. It's just bad timing for all of this.. I am still coming down from the molly but it seems to be mostly out of my system, my heart rate is still pretty fast and I have no appetite at all but I feel mostly like myself.. I just felt like I needed to close these emotions off from me so I won't be so sad, and writing ALWAYS helps me.. I don't go back and reread what I write, I write from my heart and thats all I can do to help heal myself.. I don't think I plan on doing that drug again, it was fun but it would be a long time before I could work the nerve up to do it for a second time, the comedown ruined the amazing feels of the high.. but our molly was laced with meth and I think thats what made the comedown so bad.. I don't know it could be a lot of factors.. My period is soon too, I know for sure that is why I've been crying on and off all day, I feel miserably alone.. and I don't want to go back to my old self again..  Is using drugs really me? Is that really who I am? Is that really what I have to resort to? I guess it is since you left this gaping hole in my heart and you won't be coming back to fix it ever.