Long Update

Wow. It's amazing to believe that I haven't written in this blog since October.. so much has happened. I really need to get back in to writing down my thoughts, you wouldn't believe how much mental progress it helps me make and how it helps me go back and realize how much I've changed. So lets see if I can catch myself up.. Me and Justin have broken up, we dated for about 7 months on and off, I can say it was the biggest roller coaster of my life. I honestly think we ended because of how emotinally abusive he got. I was terrified to do anything that would upset him, I couldn't hang with friends, and when I did.. he was calling me and texting me telling me that I needed to be spending time with him instead.. and after so much of that, I just got so sick of it. I don't remember exactly how or why we broke up but immediately after I cut ties with him, I've been dating a new guy. His name is Ashton, and currently we've been dating for almost 3 months. We started dating April 18th after we went to a rave called Something Wonderful (which got canceled half way through)... I've totally fallen in love with raves though. Our next one is Global Dance Festival in just 10 days! and in 11 days I will be 19. Crazy how time flies, I feel like I've only been 18 for a couple of months.. I've spent so much money on this trip. I had to pay for Ashton's ticket because he hasn't had a job in about a year. Now.. our realtionship is.. good? I guess.  I really can't say much. We've been kinda fighting when I wanted to go hang out with a guy friend and it reminded me so strongly of my ex that it just kind of put me off. I just can't possibly deal with another guy that wants to be controlling. But at the same time, I'm still crazy about Justin.We talked while I was dating Ashton and we hung out and he cried when he hugged.. I felt so awful, but we're both still crazy about eachother but after talking to him for a while, I saw that he hadn't changed as much as he said he had and I told him I was staying with my boyfriend.. then a few days after that he got a new girlfriend.. so I mean.. I wasn't that important to him obviously. Story of my life, yeah? Guys just wanna use you till they find the next girl to grip their claws in to I swear. Ashton, I think I love him but only time will tell. He's got some inner demons that I'm not sure he will ever conquer. He's a recovering addict and has a bad problem with alcohol.. I've threatened breaking up with him if he drinks anymore but who even knows. You can't stop someone who's determined to harm themselves.. and I know that on a personal level. I've relapsed a couple of times myself, shit just gets to me sometimes. I wish it wasn't that way. Me and my best friend Ashley stopped talking for a month or so, and thats when I just got so low.. and alot of my other friendships are fading too.. I guess thats the perks of growing up? I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life right now. Just living every day until I get somewhere better. I'm wanting to move soon enough, but I just want to take the plunge. I don't want to wait till I have money saved up or anything, I just want to go and see if I fall or fly. That's a crazy concept to most people but thats how I've lived most of my life and I feel like it teaches important lessons. OH. Me and Ashton got a dog together, he's a full bred Great Pyreenees.. his name is Apollo and hes a little cutie. Don't ask me what will happen to him if we break up... I would assume I get to keep him cause I paid for him ;). Now don't get me wrong.. Ashton isn't a cheap skate.. he just doesn't have money. and I've spent a lot of money on him... so to give up this relationship would really suck.. but for now, we're just making shit work between us. No real issues. He knows I'm crazy already and accepts it. He's showed me a little bit of his craziness, and it's hard to swallow sometimes but you know.. I guess that's what you have to do for love. I'm still working the same job at El Fenix.. been there since early October.. I still love it. Just lots of drama, I do adore my coworkers though. A few of us hung out last night and shared a blunt and some drinks, good times. I wish I had my own friends up in this shitty town but coworkers will have to be the closest thing to friends I have until I move. I've had a couple of love interests up at work but nothing I would ever end my relationships for. I hung out with a guy while I was single and he was the worst kisser EVER, and after that work was just really awkward.. but he got in a fight with a manager and quit so I guess that's good. I need to just not mess with people at work, I should know better than that.. but that's where my best relationship came out of, working at Domino's together (Wil <3). It's shocking I still talk to two of my ex's.. My very first ex and my longest relationship ex. They're both great guys, It's hard to become friends but damn if you really commit to it, it's possible. Ex's are people too, and I just believe that if you love someone, you're gonna think about them from time to time. Especially if you were intimate with them before. I find myself becoming more and more of a hypocrite though with things that I really need to chill out on. I wish I could find a way to fix that. Like.. for example.. if a guy that has been talking to me for a while, tells me that he just got laid or whatever I either get disgusted or disappointed or upset or something.. and it's not the fact that I don't like hearing about that stuff, it's just the fact that they text me and tell ME about it.. someone that they've admitted to liking and shit.. but at the same time i've told guys when I've gotten laid and stuff and I know they don't like it, but i've done it anyways.. so I dunno. something about me is just hardcore fucked up in my brain. I think I just get too attached to people and I expect them to be loyal to me (Even if i'm not loyal to them).. I'm going to start writing more frequently I promise..