Nobody Home

Nobody Home,

I don't know why I stay up at night and look at your photos, your statuses from when we were dating, everything... I'm only disappointed by them.. I wish we had more photos take together, I wish I had more memories of you, of our love, but I don't and I never will. I'm alone. I will be alone for a long time. And that's just how it is. I'm wishing to just get my act together and suck it up and accept being alone, I don't want to hang any guys.. thats just leading them on only to get their hopes crushed. I just want to sit in my room, alone.. because that's what I deserve... and everytime that I desperately need a hug, nobody is here to give it to me.. and I don't want to show weakness to anybody.. because everyone just assumes the worse, and assumes that they can fix it with a pep talk and a few hugs but that doesn't fix it.. it gets the stress off letting others know that I'm upset but it really doesn't change anything.. It never honestly will until I get to actually sit next to HIM and tell HIM my story. I'm such a bad person honestly I swear.. I became everything I said I would never become.. and now if anyone ever wants to be in a relationship I have to say "oh yeah I have a history of cheating and breaking hearts and becoming obsessive over my ex" yeah thats great, I bet the guys would just swarm over me mmm. But now this girl is hitting on me and I don't know why girls hit on me, I don't know why everyone tells me to just become lesbian, yeah that will fix so much.. and no, even if I did want to I couldn't.. I don't find girls attractive like that and will never be happy like that.. thats like someone telling me to become christian.. I've been atheist/agnostic for so long that it.. wouldn't feel right, It's not something I can truly believe in and feel comfortable with making the switch.. and being a christian is having solid faith and yeah I don't have that, there are too many gaps.. plus I'm too much of a fuck-up lol you know how many sins I would have to repent for or whatever? I just dunno... This is not how I wanted my life to go, you know? I've had it planned out for so long now and I swear everything just fucking goes completely the whole opposite way. I wanted children, I'm infertile. I wanted a long happy relationship, I'm single and brokenhearted after a year. I wanted a happy family who loves me, We all fight. I wanted friends who were always there for me, Nobody is there for me when I need it. I wanted to ace school, I barely get by. I wanted to be beautiful, I'm just as ugly as I ever was. Oh.. I read a comment somebody wrote on your page.. "so glad you got a pretty girlfriend now".. yeah thanks.. I'm ugly but fucking don't rub it in and don't compare me to her.. I'm nothing like her, maybe I'm worse or better I don't know but don't compare us.. I don't want to be compared to anyone actually because I fucking fail at everything.. I really hate this life. really really hate it. I don't know how everyone smiles so bright, maybe it's because they have a happy family, happy boyfriend, happy friends, I don't know. I wish I knew what that was like.. to be beautiful, in love and loved back, perfect family life, get everything I want, etc... It just.. blah. I know all I ever do is complain and I have it better than most but I can't find happiness. It really is just like.. not in my life at all. Yes I can smile but I can't keep that smile forever, it turns to tears sooner or later. I just love him so much, and maybe I'm delusional but him coming back to me would just make my life 10000000% better.. I would never complain about anything as long as he was my side.. 

Stuck Here

Stuck Here,

Well.. I'm tired and frustrated. I know it's time to move on, I can feel it in my heart.. It just takes forever to actually sink in that you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to see me, you don't want anything to do with me.. You've made that perfectly clear and I'm the idiot that just can't get it through her head.. I guess why it's so hard is that you are so wishy washy.. we hung out in march and we were perfect and had a good time with no problems and now all of sudden only 3 months later and you hate my guts? I didn't even do anything.. all I've been doing is busting my ass trying to be your friend.. and all you do is give me the cold shoulder and be a total asshole to me... why do I deserve that? I made a mistake and I admitted it and all you can do is trash me constantly for it even though it happened OVER A YEAR AGO!!!!!! You are quite the grudge holder I guess. I'm just absolutely so ready for someone great to walk into my life and carry me away from all this bullshit. I did meet someone new who I like, but haven't met in person.. and I don't know if we ever will since he's obviously not THAT interested if it hasn't happened by now.. we live like right down the street from eachother, literally. But yeah... My mom was talking about moving to Tennessee, and honestly I am ALL for it. I'm sick of my school that I don't fit in to at all, tired of this boring house that I can never decorate to my liking, tired of the same shit.. sitting around waiting for a guy that will never love me. Yeah it would be hard to move and have to be alone until i met new friends but it would just get me away from all of this.. I wouldn't have to sit around looking out my backyard, waiting for him to walk up to the fence and wave at me and let himself in like he used to.. because thats exactly what I did yesterday.. sat in the pool and waited.. knowing it was never going to happen but couldn't stop myself from waiting just because... I don't get it.. He admitted he still thinks of me sometimes, admitted that he still has feelings.. but not enough.. never will be enough.. I swear i'm having like a identity crisis, i'm so jumbled up inside and want to just sit and cry but can't find the energy to or atleast a good reason that I haven't cried about before, it's all the same.. but yeah.. moving.. I wish. but parents have jobs too.. and it's hard to just up and gather all your roots and move on... I guess maybe for college I will just apply all over the country and look at where accepts me.. I'm looking at California maybe, or somewhere cold.. No Idea. I guess I'm not afraid to go alone because I've been that way for a long time.. and this summer fucking sucks. I haven't hung out with ANYONE, I've been trapped at home.. stuck by the mercy of whoever feels like driving me somewhere.. yes I've had time to work on my art but when you're so sad inside, i think art is the last thing I really want to do.. I just want to call him so bad.. beg him to just come see me.. but I've resisted the urge.. I got so close to texting him just telling him I was done but you know I didn't send it, I don't want to bother him.. he needs to live his life away from me because thats what makes him happiest.. if he really wanted me back he would have been by my side a long time ago.. so it's basically over haha now lets just convince myself of this.. maybe some day.... OH! And not to mention that i freaking sat in the pool yesterday and stared at every flaw on my body and pointed them out and came to the conclusion that the only non-flawed place on my body is my collarbone and neck area, that's literally it.. everything else has stretchmarks, scars, too big, too wide, ugly, weird looking, etc.. yeah.. my self confidence = no existent... but that's not new.. it's just become more obvious now I guess. I feel as fat as I was before I started dieting and stuff... I know I'm not but I can't help but think I am.. I see how easy eating disorders are to fall in. bah... rant over for today I guess. 

Needing You

Needing You,

I need you to take my hand,
wish it all away
Take my pain and swallow it whole
tell me my sorrows
To make sure they never speak again
lock them away in a very far place
Kiss me so sweetly
like a sweet little bird
Promise me you will always stay
because you said you would
Look away from my wrongs
so you can only see the rights
Fear nothing from me
i'm really here to stay
Seek the answers
when i'm nothing but upset
Hold my hands
when there are no words to be spoken
Show me away from here
so far away until we get lost
Lead me like a blind child
for i will always follow you
Wipe away my tears from my face
as they slide down my cheeks
Whisper a melody
in my ears, so softly
Give my heart a break
because this is all illusion
Wish me away
all i do is disturb your peace
Never forget though
i was there for you.

Respect Boundaries

Respect Boundaries,

In tears, again.. but thats all I ever am usually when I talk to you.. I feel so useless and so obsessed and crazy and insane and pitiful and miserable and everything. You're visiting again soon and staying for a long time.. I texted you that you wanted to see me and you hadn't even had my number saved... and you told me to respect you and hers boundaries because seeing me was not good for their relationship.. and deep down I know all of this, I know that you shouldn't want to see me.. I know that i'm not worth seeing anyways. I just felt like trying, and I feel like just giving up because I'm tired of feeling so worthless, so broken and wasted and everything.. but as much as I want to.. I can't. Although the light of hope towards us getting back together is now for certain much dimmer.. I just can't push my fucking brain into being useful because my heart keeps screaming that everything hurts and that I still care.. How could I give up on him when he tried so hard and long to not give up on me? I just really can't stop crying. I want to get away and never look back, erase everything and never know what love is again and stay alone for the rest of my life.. that seems the easiest way. Seriously who ever invented dating or relationships?! can't we all just be born near our soul mate and be attracted to them instantly and never have to date or get heartbroken at all? Arghh or why can't there just be a magic potion or word or something to make the guy you're in love with in love with you back? Life is so confusing and I just am so ready to quit and get out and blahjaegihjaewtiojweiotjaewiogjoigjraiowgtjiogwoavwj. If only suicide were legal, I could just go to my doctor and tell him I was ready to go and they could inject a harmless shot into your arm and everything would just slowly fade to black and you'd never wake up again.. I think that would solve also a lot of unhappy peoples problems.. but could also let mass murderers get away and never suffer for their deeds but whatever... I just ugh. I can't type anymore, I'm too upset. Why can't you just love me? I've seriously done nothing but fucking worship the ground you walk on.. and all I NEED desperately NEED is for one serious sit down session to talk about all my feelings and let out all of this built up pain.. but you won't even give me that. Fuck. 

Give Reasons

Give Reasons,

Long time no blogging, but yeah. Things have changed, and its sad to say that nothing has gone the way I truly wanted it to. Yes I've talked to you, but now you don't even want to talk to me.. even when you are allowed to. You called me "extremely manipulative" because I'm supposedly "forcing" you to talk to me... All I do is text you and say hi every now and then, is that so much? Is it SO hard to just act like you can fucking accept me as a friend and carry a conversation with me and not have to bring up the past and how much I hurt you and how you'll never get over it and how I've hurt you 3x as much as blah blah blah. I think I've hurt myself plenty of times fucking over then I hurt you, you didn't have to live with this heart break for 11 months like I have, you've had time to get over it and you easily replaced me like I was nothing to you.. and maybe I never was I don't even know, all you ever say anymore is reasons why the whole relationship was fake.. like how you fell in love with me ONLY because I looked like your ex. I don't think you know how much that makes me feel like shit.. that if you would have never dated her, neither would I have dated you because my personality or individual looks weren't enough for you apparently... and I regret ever believing that you thought I was beautiful, that you ever loved me, you never did, you just lied and lied and lied to make me happy. I knew I wasn't beautiful like you said. You said even if i was 400 pounds you'd still love me and think of me as beautiful, yeah bullshit. I love you still but I'm pissed and angry and upset! I just want to talk to you and I've done NOTHING but care for you and try to be there for you as much as possible and all you do is shove me away and tell me why I'm not good enough for you and how we'll never be together. I feel so useless and sometimes suicide seems like such a damn good option again because why should I be here wasting time and space and money and life when I can't even function without my soul mate? I can't live without him and it just fucking drives me insane. I don't even know WHY I still have this feeling that the reason he doesn't want to see me is because he still likes me, it's obvious he doesn't but I don't even know him anymore, he's changed and now I barely see glances of the old him anymore. But when we did talk on the phone, we could still laugh about the small things and fill each other in on whats going on in life when we weren't talking about the painful past.. why did he accept the past until SHE found out we were talking? I don't know and it just drives me insane and makes me question and cry and everything. I get the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was texting you the other day, you make me feel like such a dissapointment to you and my life is a failure and everything. I really can't live this down can I? You say you forgive me but you won't forget.. You shouldn't be pissed if you forgive.. you should just accept, I can't go back in the fucking past and change anything.. you've healed from it or so you say... I don't know why I still expect you to talk to me though.. I probably wouldn't want to talk to me either if I was in your position but atleast you could give me a friendly hey whats up text every now and then so you aren't just flat out ignoring me.. You know I'm crazy about you and you wouldn't even give me the time of day if I asked. I don't know what the fuck is going on that I am so attached to you but I wish whatever super power magic whatever it is, to go away because you keep telling me it's never going to happen, we're never going to work out but why do i get this feeling that it is?! that this is just a huge long bump in the road of our relationship.. I don't knowwwwwwwww ahhhhhhhhh. I just want to like chain you down on the floor and make you sit and talk to me and tell me the reasons you've been hiding from me, I know you admit that you fell in love but.. I went back through 9,000 facebook messages and you said that you were IN love with me and that it would never change... Did I screw up that much to change that NEVER to irreversibly never in love again? We weren't even dating.. it shouldn't have been considered cheating because it wasn't. You had been seeing other girls, you wanted an open relationship, I don't understand this bullshit! Thats why I want to sit and talk to you. For as long as possible that you can give me. please. please. please. begging doesn't do anything for you.. does it?

Never Whole

Never Whole,

Why do people tell me that it's all going to be okay? I know it isn't.. and I don't ever think it will be.. So please just don't lie to me, don't tell me that everything is going to work out in the end. Don't tell me that I will fall in love again, because the truth is.. I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to ever feel this way again, and relationships can end so quickly and spiral out of control and you know.. I just don't think I could go through heart break another time. I'm already scared now... just thinking today and looking through photos to use for my blog... I started thinking.. you know.. if you were to die for whatever reason.. a car crash, murdered, suicide, anything.. I don't think I could possibly go on without you. And that is scary... that I care that much.. that I wouldn't even want to live knowing you weren't on this earth anymore. I must be 100% crazy, right? Or just crazy in love.. I don't know. I wish I had life figured out, I wish I knew what was going to happen, and I wish I knew what she has that she doesn't.. what can she give that I can't? I can only keep thinking about what I've done wrong.. and what I could have done better.. There is just so much.. but I don't know.. I don't know what you think anymore and I don't know what you feel anymore. It sucks.. I don't know if I should keep hoping for you to realize I'm here or to just let go and turn my back on you even if you were to come back to me.. I don't think I could ever do that. I love you too much and I care too much and that's never going to change. I really hate looking at your facebook though.. any new photo you add of you with her breaks my heart a little more.. I just don't know.. I'm terrified to even start dating or fake put my status as in a relationship.. I don't know what you'd think... It could go both ways seriously.. you could be happy for me and congratulate me and tell me that you're glad I moved on.. or you could get jealous and tell me that I shouldn't be dating and that we should be together, etc, etc. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just want to be alone for a long time I guess.. My thoughts aren't changing at all. I'm still stuck on you, completely and worse than ever. Everywhere in my house that me and you have been or everything that you and me have done together, just reminds me if I ever go there or do that action again.. Everything is a constant reminder and it just rips me apart inside. I don't think I'm ever going to be whole again.. even if I did manage to fall in love again, my feelings aren't going to change.. I'm never going to be 100% in love with another person again.. the closest would be 99.9% and even that seems too high. I am broken, and you aren't here to fix me. Funny how the world works.. right? I guess right now I'm just waiting till the first day of summer.. and until you visit Texas.. I won't let you get on that plane to go home until you have spoken to me face to face privately.. It just HAS to happen.. I don't care what your "fiancee" says.. I don't care what anyone else says.. I need this. I need to hear your words face to face, I need to see your face and know that you aren't lying to me when you say you aren't interested.. Then after that I feel like I would have closure. Thats all I need .. is closure. To know that the spark is still there or that it's completely over for you. But I have to be damn good at convincing.. Sigh.. I have time I guess.. just get through april, and may and then go in for the kill. I wish myself luck.

Everybody Heals

Everybody Heals,

It has been such a long time since I've written here. Well first off, you're still ignoring me.. I tried texting you and you didn't even reply. I tried to work out an agreement, nothing.. not a single word from you. I really like how much you care about me, it just makes my self-confidence sky high... NOT. Anyways. I got asked out by this guy, but you know all this time I've been just wanting to date, to not be so alone.. and it turns out that its not that way at all. I would rather be alone than have anybody other than you, and thats the honest truth. and It's scary.. I just feel like such a terrible person. I'm stuck living in the past, everybody else is moving forward. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere without you. You live your life happily everyday and I don't even think you spare one thought for me.. You don't even think about how much pain I have to live with. Afterall, it isn't your problem anymore.. right? It's just my own problem. And it's funny how I'm stuck with this "problem" and you're the only person who could fix it. But I can't just say that.. can I? You would think I'm crazy.. but honestly.. I just need to sit and speak with you, alone. nobody else. what I HAVE been wanting to do for a long time. But obviously.. I don't deserve your time, I don't deserve a text back or anything.. and that's how it has been. Just being flat out blank ignored. It hurts. a lot. I started my diet today.. and I just sat in the shower and looked at myself while washing and just thought.. you know whats the point of losing weight? I'm always going to be ugly, and nothing is going to change that.. no matter how skinny I am, the scars of not ever going to go away, the stretch marks will never disappear, nobody is ever going to love me.. so whats the point?.. and I still don't know. Honestly I don't even know why I survived my suicide attempts. I would have much rather died than had gone through all of this pain, tears, death, sickness, lies.. it would have been better if I hadn't had made it.. But I did.. and I lived.. just to see us break up? Fucking great... Yes I grew as a stronger person.. but if I had the chance to go back and NOT get better and still be with you, I'm pretty sure I would have chose it. Being depressed but in love was better than being extremely lonely/heartbroken and in a somewhat sane sort of mind. I just feel like nothing is going anywhere. Nothing is looking up, nothing is looking down. Well, I guess it's sort of down.. I got what I was asking for, I wanted a boyfriend, and I turned it down. Partly because I really wasn't interested in him because he's really clingy and obsessive and partly because I am not emotionally ready to date. And yeah you'd think after 9 months of being single and having time to get over the break up, I'd be ready but I'm not.. and I guess I already knew that deep down but my "hypothesis" finally got tested and yeah, I was right. I don't know when I'm going to be ready.. if I ever will be. I suppose everybody heals at their own rate.. but damn. Am I ever going to fall in love again? Is it ever going to be the same? Am I ever going to be truly happy with the person that I date and/or marry? Or will I only ever be satisfied if I'm with you? I just don't know. I really wish I knew. I'm just so ready to leave. To just pack a bag, and leave... Forget everything, forget everyone, start over brand new, invent surgery that removes all skin issues and become famous and make something with my life. But we can only dream so much.. right? I wouldn't even know the first step into making something that amazing... a procedure that can remove anything... and give you brand new skin.. no more stretch marks, no more acne, no more scars, no more unsightly moles or freckles, etc... Yeah I'd be rich haha. Anyways... I guess that's all.