Never Whole

Never Whole,

Why do people tell me that it's all going to be okay? I know it isn't.. and I don't ever think it will be.. So please just don't lie to me, don't tell me that everything is going to work out in the end. Don't tell me that I will fall in love again, because the truth is.. I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to ever feel this way again, and relationships can end so quickly and spiral out of control and you know.. I just don't think I could go through heart break another time. I'm already scared now... just thinking today and looking through photos to use for my blog... I started thinking.. you know.. if you were to die for whatever reason.. a car crash, murdered, suicide, anything.. I don't think I could possibly go on without you. And that is scary... that I care that much.. that I wouldn't even want to live knowing you weren't on this earth anymore. I must be 100% crazy, right? Or just crazy in love.. I don't know. I wish I had life figured out, I wish I knew what was going to happen, and I wish I knew what she has that she doesn't.. what can she give that I can't? I can only keep thinking about what I've done wrong.. and what I could have done better.. There is just so much.. but I don't know.. I don't know what you think anymore and I don't know what you feel anymore. It sucks.. I don't know if I should keep hoping for you to realize I'm here or to just let go and turn my back on you even if you were to come back to me.. I don't think I could ever do that. I love you too much and I care too much and that's never going to change. I really hate looking at your facebook though.. any new photo you add of you with her breaks my heart a little more.. I just don't know.. I'm terrified to even start dating or fake put my status as in a relationship.. I don't know what you'd think... It could go both ways seriously.. you could be happy for me and congratulate me and tell me that you're glad I moved on.. or you could get jealous and tell me that I shouldn't be dating and that we should be together, etc, etc. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just want to be alone for a long time I guess.. My thoughts aren't changing at all. I'm still stuck on you, completely and worse than ever. Everywhere in my house that me and you have been or everything that you and me have done together, just reminds me if I ever go there or do that action again.. Everything is a constant reminder and it just rips me apart inside. I don't think I'm ever going to be whole again.. even if I did manage to fall in love again, my feelings aren't going to change.. I'm never going to be 100% in love with another person again.. the closest would be 99.9% and even that seems too high. I am broken, and you aren't here to fix me. Funny how the world works.. right? I guess right now I'm just waiting till the first day of summer.. and until you visit Texas.. I won't let you get on that plane to go home until you have spoken to me face to face privately.. It just HAS to happen.. I don't care what your "fiancee" says.. I don't care what anyone else says.. I need this. I need to hear your words face to face, I need to see your face and know that you aren't lying to me when you say you aren't interested.. Then after that I feel like I would have closure. Thats all I need .. is closure. To know that the spark is still there or that it's completely over for you. But I have to be damn good at convincing.. Sigh.. I have time I guess.. just get through april, and may and then go in for the kill. I wish myself luck.