Give Reasons

Give Reasons,

Long time no blogging, but yeah. Things have changed, and its sad to say that nothing has gone the way I truly wanted it to. Yes I've talked to you, but now you don't even want to talk to me.. even when you are allowed to. You called me "extremely manipulative" because I'm supposedly "forcing" you to talk to me... All I do is text you and say hi every now and then, is that so much? Is it SO hard to just act like you can fucking accept me as a friend and carry a conversation with me and not have to bring up the past and how much I hurt you and how you'll never get over it and how I've hurt you 3x as much as blah blah blah. I think I've hurt myself plenty of times fucking over then I hurt you, you didn't have to live with this heart break for 11 months like I have, you've had time to get over it and you easily replaced me like I was nothing to you.. and maybe I never was I don't even know, all you ever say anymore is reasons why the whole relationship was fake.. like how you fell in love with me ONLY because I looked like your ex. I don't think you know how much that makes me feel like shit.. that if you would have never dated her, neither would I have dated you because my personality or individual looks weren't enough for you apparently... and I regret ever believing that you thought I was beautiful, that you ever loved me, you never did, you just lied and lied and lied to make me happy. I knew I wasn't beautiful like you said. You said even if i was 400 pounds you'd still love me and think of me as beautiful, yeah bullshit. I love you still but I'm pissed and angry and upset! I just want to talk to you and I've done NOTHING but care for you and try to be there for you as much as possible and all you do is shove me away and tell me why I'm not good enough for you and how we'll never be together. I feel so useless and sometimes suicide seems like such a damn good option again because why should I be here wasting time and space and money and life when I can't even function without my soul mate? I can't live without him and it just fucking drives me insane. I don't even know WHY I still have this feeling that the reason he doesn't want to see me is because he still likes me, it's obvious he doesn't but I don't even know him anymore, he's changed and now I barely see glances of the old him anymore. But when we did talk on the phone, we could still laugh about the small things and fill each other in on whats going on in life when we weren't talking about the painful past.. why did he accept the past until SHE found out we were talking? I don't know and it just drives me insane and makes me question and cry and everything. I get the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was texting you the other day, you make me feel like such a dissapointment to you and my life is a failure and everything. I really can't live this down can I? You say you forgive me but you won't forget.. You shouldn't be pissed if you forgive.. you should just accept, I can't go back in the fucking past and change anything.. you've healed from it or so you say... I don't know why I still expect you to talk to me though.. I probably wouldn't want to talk to me either if I was in your position but atleast you could give me a friendly hey whats up text every now and then so you aren't just flat out ignoring me.. You know I'm crazy about you and you wouldn't even give me the time of day if I asked. I don't know what the fuck is going on that I am so attached to you but I wish whatever super power magic whatever it is, to go away because you keep telling me it's never going to happen, we're never going to work out but why do i get this feeling that it is?! that this is just a huge long bump in the road of our relationship.. I don't knowwwwwwwww ahhhhhhhhh. I just want to like chain you down on the floor and make you sit and talk to me and tell me the reasons you've been hiding from me, I know you admit that you fell in love but.. I went back through 9,000 facebook messages and you said that you were IN love with me and that it would never change... Did I screw up that much to change that NEVER to irreversibly never in love again? We weren't even dating.. it shouldn't have been considered cheating because it wasn't. You had been seeing other girls, you wanted an open relationship, I don't understand this bullshit! Thats why I want to sit and talk to you. For as long as possible that you can give me. please. please. please. begging doesn't do anything for you.. does it?