Stuck Here

Stuck Here,

Well.. I'm tired and frustrated. I know it's time to move on, I can feel it in my heart.. It just takes forever to actually sink in that you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to see me, you don't want anything to do with me.. You've made that perfectly clear and I'm the idiot that just can't get it through her head.. I guess why it's so hard is that you are so wishy washy.. we hung out in march and we were perfect and had a good time with no problems and now all of sudden only 3 months later and you hate my guts? I didn't even do anything.. all I've been doing is busting my ass trying to be your friend.. and all you do is give me the cold shoulder and be a total asshole to me... why do I deserve that? I made a mistake and I admitted it and all you can do is trash me constantly for it even though it happened OVER A YEAR AGO!!!!!! You are quite the grudge holder I guess. I'm just absolutely so ready for someone great to walk into my life and carry me away from all this bullshit. I did meet someone new who I like, but haven't met in person.. and I don't know if we ever will since he's obviously not THAT interested if it hasn't happened by now.. we live like right down the street from eachother, literally. But yeah... My mom was talking about moving to Tennessee, and honestly I am ALL for it. I'm sick of my school that I don't fit in to at all, tired of this boring house that I can never decorate to my liking, tired of the same shit.. sitting around waiting for a guy that will never love me. Yeah it would be hard to move and have to be alone until i met new friends but it would just get me away from all of this.. I wouldn't have to sit around looking out my backyard, waiting for him to walk up to the fence and wave at me and let himself in like he used to.. because thats exactly what I did yesterday.. sat in the pool and waited.. knowing it was never going to happen but couldn't stop myself from waiting just because... I don't get it.. He admitted he still thinks of me sometimes, admitted that he still has feelings.. but not enough.. never will be enough.. I swear i'm having like a identity crisis, i'm so jumbled up inside and want to just sit and cry but can't find the energy to or atleast a good reason that I haven't cried about before, it's all the same.. but yeah.. moving.. I wish. but parents have jobs too.. and it's hard to just up and gather all your roots and move on... I guess maybe for college I will just apply all over the country and look at where accepts me.. I'm looking at California maybe, or somewhere cold.. No Idea. I guess I'm not afraid to go alone because I've been that way for a long time.. and this summer fucking sucks. I haven't hung out with ANYONE, I've been trapped at home.. stuck by the mercy of whoever feels like driving me somewhere.. yes I've had time to work on my art but when you're so sad inside, i think art is the last thing I really want to do.. I just want to call him so bad.. beg him to just come see me.. but I've resisted the urge.. I got so close to texting him just telling him I was done but you know I didn't send it, I don't want to bother him.. he needs to live his life away from me because thats what makes him happiest.. if he really wanted me back he would have been by my side a long time ago.. so it's basically over haha now lets just convince myself of this.. maybe some day.... OH! And not to mention that i freaking sat in the pool yesterday and stared at every flaw on my body and pointed them out and came to the conclusion that the only non-flawed place on my body is my collarbone and neck area, that's literally it.. everything else has stretchmarks, scars, too big, too wide, ugly, weird looking, etc.. yeah.. my self confidence = no existent... but that's not new.. it's just become more obvious now I guess. I feel as fat as I was before I started dieting and stuff... I know I'm not but I can't help but think I am.. I see how easy eating disorders are to fall in. bah... rant over for today I guess.