Everybody Heals

Everybody Heals,

It has been such a long time since I've written here. Well first off, you're still ignoring me.. I tried texting you and you didn't even reply. I tried to work out an agreement, nothing.. not a single word from you. I really like how much you care about me, it just makes my self-confidence sky high... NOT. Anyways. I got asked out by this guy, but you know all this time I've been just wanting to date, to not be so alone.. and it turns out that its not that way at all. I would rather be alone than have anybody other than you, and thats the honest truth. and It's scary.. I just feel like such a terrible person. I'm stuck living in the past, everybody else is moving forward. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere without you. You live your life happily everyday and I don't even think you spare one thought for me.. You don't even think about how much pain I have to live with. Afterall, it isn't your problem anymore.. right? It's just my own problem. And it's funny how I'm stuck with this "problem" and you're the only person who could fix it. But I can't just say that.. can I? You would think I'm crazy.. but honestly.. I just need to sit and speak with you, alone. nobody else. what I HAVE been wanting to do for a long time. But obviously.. I don't deserve your time, I don't deserve a text back or anything.. and that's how it has been. Just being flat out blank ignored. It hurts. a lot. I started my diet today.. and I just sat in the shower and looked at myself while washing and just thought.. you know whats the point of losing weight? I'm always going to be ugly, and nothing is going to change that.. no matter how skinny I am, the scars of not ever going to go away, the stretch marks will never disappear, nobody is ever going to love me.. so whats the point?.. and I still don't know. Honestly I don't even know why I survived my suicide attempts. I would have much rather died than had gone through all of this pain, tears, death, sickness, lies.. it would have been better if I hadn't had made it.. But I did.. and I lived.. just to see us break up? Fucking great... Yes I grew as a stronger person.. but if I had the chance to go back and NOT get better and still be with you, I'm pretty sure I would have chose it. Being depressed but in love was better than being extremely lonely/heartbroken and in a somewhat sane sort of mind. I just feel like nothing is going anywhere. Nothing is looking up, nothing is looking down. Well, I guess it's sort of down.. I got what I was asking for, I wanted a boyfriend, and I turned it down. Partly because I really wasn't interested in him because he's really clingy and obsessive and partly because I am not emotionally ready to date. And yeah you'd think after 9 months of being single and having time to get over the break up, I'd be ready but I'm not.. and I guess I already knew that deep down but my "hypothesis" finally got tested and yeah, I was right. I don't know when I'm going to be ready.. if I ever will be. I suppose everybody heals at their own rate.. but damn. Am I ever going to fall in love again? Is it ever going to be the same? Am I ever going to be truly happy with the person that I date and/or marry? Or will I only ever be satisfied if I'm with you? I just don't know. I really wish I knew. I'm just so ready to leave. To just pack a bag, and leave... Forget everything, forget everyone, start over brand new, invent surgery that removes all skin issues and become famous and make something with my life. But we can only dream so much.. right? I wouldn't even know the first step into making something that amazing... a procedure that can remove anything... and give you brand new skin.. no more stretch marks, no more acne, no more scars, no more unsightly moles or freckles, etc... Yeah I'd be rich haha. Anyways... I guess that's all.