Hopeless Place

Hopeless Place,

So it's another night.. spending it typing on my bloggity blog blog. I don't know what to say.. My parents got back from their vacation today, and they took me out to dinner and I ate.. that was 4 days straight with no food though, and I'm ashamed of myself for eating.. but that's not the point. I was kinda snappy with my parents when they first got home, because I missed the quiet of the house, nobody caring if I was dressed or in pajamas, makeup or hair done or nothing done at all.. I didn't miss my parents at all.. I hated having a huge house all to myself mostly, because I felt like it was just too big for me all alone.. but I was annoyed to have them back.. and they just wanted to tell stories about their time on vacation and I just didn't want to hear it.. I wasn't mad that they went without me, that was my choice.. but I'm mad because I'm stuck in this city and town and life for about 7 months at the minimum.. and all I want to do is pack up and leave, get away.. I need my own vacation desperately.. What do you do when your demons will always follow you though? My parents just want to take me camping, cause they feel bad that I missed out on vacation.. but I hate camping.. and my mom has the nerve to tell me that I am leading guys on, by hanging out and talking to them and that there honestly should be no guys invited to my birthday party next month.. I don't understand her.. Can I not have male friends? I mean I know that every guy I am inviting has liked me or is an ex-boyfriend, but I am still friends with them and that doesn't change anything and I know it offends people to think that they were not invited to something important like this because they thought I didn't like them or something.. I just couldn't do that to someone. I didn't want to leave anybody out this time. I feel like every single day of my life I always have to make decisions that I don't want to make.. I have to look in the mirror and decide what I want to wear everyday, and what I don't look fat in, and everything like that.. but I look fat in everything, you see my problem? I don't care how many people tell me that I have the perfect body, perfect figure, they're jealous of me, that I lost weight too fast.. no... But I keep switching topics, I apologize.. My brain is just scattered I guess.. I really want to talk to somebody right now. I wish I could.. I don't know what I would say, I don't know why I even want somebody to talk to.. but I just need to cry because I haven't in so long and it's frustrating to know that I am at a point that I am too sad to cry. And it's not like there's any way to comfort me.. I don't know what to do or why I am even so sad.. I got really really drunk last night, after making a stupid mistake.. and the drunker I got, the happier I became and I stopped stressing about everything that was worrying me.. I understand why people become alcoholics now.. I mean I didn't like that everything was spinning and I could hardly stand or walk, but I appreciated the mind numbness and the pure honesty that flowed through my mind when I was texting one of my close friends.. I rarely ever say what I truly want to say to people.. and that's what kills me.. I wish I had the brutal honest quality inside of me, that I wasn't afraid to hurt people who have hurt me. Wil asked me today something that made my mind implode, he asked me if he even interested me anymore.. what I was to him.. was I even trying in the relationship? I said no to the last one, but I don't think he knew that I truly wanted to say that no, I was not interested in him anymore.. and that's what made my mind put everything in to piece. He no longer interested me, He was BORING ! And I didn't realize that until now, didn't ever consider the relationship to be that adjective until now; uninteresting. But it makes perfect since.. because everything with him is predictable, we don't talk, we make out and have sex, we don't go anywhere, we stay in, he begs for money or rides or anything from me, can't repay it back.. and it's always the same.. but I didn't even have the heart to tell him that I basically already dumped him.. I guess he didn't see my Facebook relationship status.. So he still thinks we are dating.. and It's times like these that I wish I was cruel and heartless and bitter inside because being nice gets me drug and trapped in situations that are make me hopelessly miserable.. and it's nights and days and weeks and years like these that make me want to leave this city, so many memories here... Mostly not good anymore.. they were good at the time, but now they just cause me pain.. and it's not like I can avoid driving past certain places, they are necessary to go by sometimes.. and it just brings everything back that I forgot still upset me.... I've been thinking I am completely over my first love... but no.. I looked at his photos yesterday.. and I cried.. cried because we should have been together, cried because his girlfriend is probably 1000x the person I could ever be, cried because our love is no longer existent, cried because I pushed him away and made him hate me, cried because they looked so happy together, they looked great together.. cried because he is happy and I am not. I'm stuck here.. alone.. every single night.. Nobody in my arms, nobody who makes me happy like he did.. and that feeling.. really kills you sometimes.. like a dagger to the chest.. but I shouldn't have looked at those photos... I couldn't help it.. I am forever tortured by the possibilities of the what if.. the could have, should have, never will be... but I looked at my parents today, I saw how in love they were.. and it didn't matter how my mom looked, if she was overweight or had stretchmarks or had anything flawed with her.. she would always be beautiful to my dad. And I wondered if that is just in marriage, if only my dad is like that, or all guys are like that, or what.. because I could never imagine a guy seeing me completely naked, stretchmarks, acne, hair not done, no makeup, and being able to call me beautiful.. and if he did.. I would never believe that he was being truthful..

Broken Relationships

Broken Relationships,

       Wow I just realized that it has been almost 2 months since I have written anything.. Well I honestly don't know what I could say.. How I can sum up all that has happened since then but I guess I will try to.. Me and Wil are currently broken up, we had a fight and just broke up 2 days ago. It's Tuesday afternoon and I haven't eaten anything since Saturday.. I've lost 7.5 pounds just from that, no I don't know why I'm not eating.. I feel hungry and I wake up with hunger pains but something tells me that I do not deserve to eat. Maybe how I treated wil, I don't know.. but me and him we just fight and fight and he annoys me to death.. I keep thinking that this is not how relationships should be, I should always want to be with him and love him and kiss him and need to be around him.. but it's the exact opposite.. I found that I was always making excuses to not see him.. and when we did hang out I would not want to kiss him or talk or do anything much.. and I don't know why.. I don't know why I just couldn't handle a relationship with him.. He confessed to me that he was staying with me because he knew our relationship had a meaning and that he was meant to be with me.. but I just couldn't and never did feel the same way about him. Honestly I haven't had any real feelings toward anyone.. I don't feel as distant as I used to be but I kind of give up on trying to find someone that I will love like I loved Daniel, and that will love me back the way I need to be loved. Relationships are just too complicated.. but of course I'm dating a new guy, long distance but his name is Dyllan.. he lives 11 hours from me, a few states away.. I don't know if this will last or if it will go anywhere honestly, he said hes coming to visit here in a month.. and I turn 17 in exactly a month! Booya! But yeah.. he's a real sweetheart, he's cute, my type of guy and we have so much in common.. of course all my friends were freaked out cause they were wondering what happened to wil.. but it's summer time, I don't have to see wil if I don't want to until school starts again in August so i'm trying to move on as quick as possible so that I never go back to him again. I'm tired of the break up make up situation with him, I need better, I don't care if I'm STILL not dating the right guy.. at least he is a ton better than wil. I get asked alot why I stayed with him for so long, honestly I have no idea.. I couldn't even answer that question when I ask MYSELF it.. I guess cause I was just so desperate to have a relationship work with somebody, anybody, that I forced myself.. June 29th would have been our 5 months.. already it was my second longest relationship.. Mine and Daniel's was 8 months.. I kept thinking that eventually I would fall in love with wil, right? But it had been almost 5 months and I just more and more couldn't stand him, like he was getting better in some areas but other areas were worse. I felt like I was using him as eye candy, and he was using me to get over his ex-girlfriend that he was still in love with.. I mean what guy can honestly stay friends with their ex's? I just haven't been able to do that.. and I don't know how it's even possible because they either have to be in love still or were never in love in the first place... Did I make the right decision ending things with wil? I don't know. I kept telling myself I felt nothing for him.. but I felt something, but it didn't seem enough.. didn't make me want to stay.. I didn't want to be trapped with him.. I was tired of it.. I don't care how cute he is and how long I've already been with him, I had to get out of that.. Uhmmm as far as everything else, I haven't spoken to my ex-best friend in about 2 months, we fell apart pretty quickly.. she chose her boyfriend over her best friend of 6 years and that's all I can say about that.. I'm honestly glad she's out of my life, sometimes I miss having talks with her and ranting my heart out to her but as long as she is with him, I will always be second best, I will never be able to be the closest to her heart anymore, I was replaced majorly and I just wasn't going to stick around to let her continually pick him over me.. I'm not being selfish, I just know that shes making the same choice I made with Daniel.. to pick my boyfriend over all of my friends.. I even told her that, but she didn't listen to me.. so when she realizes that everybody is gone.. She only has herself to blame.. also with another friend, we are no longer friends, because she lied straight to my face about where she was going instead of going to hurricane harbor with us.. she said it was cause her dad wanted her to go college visit.. NOPE It was because she wanted to drive to Oklahoma to see her girlfriend of a week.. ridiculous.. she told everyone else the truth expect for me, then had the courage to lie to me.. and didn't think I would find out.. People really have some nerve.. I will try to write more.. I love writing, I don't care if it's not proper English or grammar but to journal and get everything out, heals me in more ways than therapy or medicine could. Oh.. and nobody worry, I will eat eventually...

First Times

First Times,

So Today is three months with Wil.. It has been good, of course it has been filled with the ups and downs but I think that it gets better over time, right now of course it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere.. I actually don't feel like I'M going anywhere.. I feel kind of stuck in the same place now. Like I'm somewhat over the hurt that people have caused me in the past, but now I feel like I'm stuck in this one place and I'm not really sure how I move on from here.. Like my love for wil, it doesn't feel the same.. it doesn't feel as intense and passionate and raw.. and I wonder.. is it like this for everyone who tries to love again after the first heart break? Is it always not going to be AS good? Like the first time you get high, its the best thing because its a new experience and your body is a virgin to it, your mind a virgin to it, etc.. And then anytime you get high after that, it just isn't the same.. and that's why meth addicts chase their high.. chase that time they got high for the first time. Is that kind of how a love addict does as well? They chase that love they once had that they lost.. Is that what I am doing? Am I no better than a drug addict.. trying to chase something that will no longer be there.. trying to obtain a love that is raw and untampered as the very first time? It sounds like something I would do.. but it's not fair.. I don't know why everything has to be compared to him now.. I don't know why I keep making the same mistakes.. It's too late to leave Wil now though, it's too late to just brush him off and let him go.. but I can't imagine being with him for the rest of my life.. because there has to be better than this.. I have to be able to be happier than THIS. and the sad thing is, I've had a great day and then I come home and I get online and I start to ponder everything and that's when my mood just falls apart.. because I start seeing the holes in everything.. I start seeing the facade that the day wore so well.. It's so complicated and I wish that it wasn't so hard for me to keep on one straight narrow path. I'm stressed about starting my job on Wednesday . I don't even know why.. I've already worked once.. but something about leaving behind my past job and starting over just bugs me I guess.. I think I have such a strong mentality that I'm not good enough that I tend to just think that I will not be good enough for anything ever. I will not be good enough to ever love again, I will not be good enough to keep this job either.. I will always do something wrong in my life wether I'm trying my hardest or not.. and that's what bugs me. I have been a perfectionist for all of my life.. yet I have never shown perfect results.. and it kills me inside some days.. some days I can handle that I am not the best, but today.. it is bugging me for some reason. I'm indecisive.. and I feel just as trapped as I was with Alex.. but it's not like that.. it's not even close to my relationship with him.. They're nothing alike.. so why am I feeling this way? I feel like I am over my heartbreak.. but when I start getting a mirror and looking up close, I can still see those tiny little fractures that remind me that I am not perfectly okay just yet. I sometimes wonder if I should just learn to live with the pain, learn to live with everything not being as good as the first time.. I seriously need to talk to somebody who has gone through the same things as me because I have so many questions, I don't understand myself and I don't always understand what is going on in my life and how I am even handling anything.. I feel like things just tend to slip through my grasp and when there is a choice of good and bad, I tend to just choose bad because its the easier one, right? But for once.. I decided last night that I didn't want to cheat on Wil.. I didn't want to be interested in anybody else and I just wanted to stay with him.. and I think thats the first time I have ever told myself you know, you need to stick with one person, you don't get more than one.. There are so many single people in this world and I don't really understand why I should get more than one person.. I am not worthy of that and that's not fair to anyone who I am not dating, because that's just leading on and I'm not supposed to be that type of person.. I'm supposed to be faithful and secure and independent and trustworthy and lately I don't feel like any of that. Do I tell him that I've already cheated on him.. and hope that he forgives me? Or do I just continue as I have been.. what he know won't hurt him? I don't know.. I don't think that is something he would forgive me for.. I don't think thats something I can forgive myself for... cheating in every single relationship I have been in... that is so disgusting and revolting to me... Can I possibly blame my PMDD on this one? I don't even know.. Do I use my PMDD as an excuse to much? Is it really ME that is the shit person inside...? Am I really the one who is doing all of these bad things?

Lost Again

Lost Again, 

So another day of writing woop. I've been so freaking miserable for the past week, just in and out of mood swings and being all bitchy with Wil.. I feel so bad for just acting that way and pushing him away.. but he has been pretty understanding of whats going on and knows that I don't mean to be mean and that I will be fine eventually. Well of course with my period, brings the calm of the storm because the mood swings finally stop. Everything was perfect on Saturday and then last night was just hell... one of the worst nights for me and it wasn't even because of a mood swing. But I ruined two relationships with my guy friends last night and maybe I shouldn't be so upset but I kind of am. I always try to prove to myself that I can stay friends with guys and not try to go past that in any way.. But anyways, Yeah.. I was talking to Frank last night and somehow we got into a fight, it all started because he asked me why I even dated Wil.. I told him that I didn't need someone who was perfect, I needed someone that could love me with all of my flaws and see the dark side of me and still want to be with me.. I know Wil isn't perfect, and I don't care because he's mine and I accept him and all of his faults. Frank got pissed I guess though, said that it was funny because he always did that for me and that he was just tired of being unappreciated and used by me.. I was like well first off, I never used you, You told me you were going to move on past me and talk to other girls and then you go and flirt with my best friend who I love dearly.. I mean I know you are a guy and you like to mess around but the second you tell me that you love me, and yet I read your messages to my best friend saying that you would love to date her, etc. We have come to a problem.. So he started bashing me and saying that Wil wanted him to hang out with me so that he could have a break from me and that from his standpoint I was just clingy and needy.. clingy and needy.. those words, they stuck in my mind as I took a blade to my leg.. over 100 times, the worst I've ever done.. I don't know why I let myself do that over his words.. but the fact that he knew me well enough, and judged me in a critical way and just wanted nothing to do with me anymore.. I don't know, it hurt.. It hurt in a way that it made me want to hurt myself physically so that the pain wasn't just mental. And where was Wil in all of this? He got grounded for a week.. I just don't know anymore. I really need him here for me and he is just always lacking.. I mean I know it's not his fault, I can't blame him. but I can't help myself but just push away.. push away and reject everything hes offering me. A second chance to have a happy and long relationship? No thanks.. knowing me I would just mess it up like the first time and I know that sometimes people deserve second chances and I begged and begged for my second chance with the love of my life, and I never got it.. so why should I give it to myself with another person this time around? I must really enjoy being unhappy.. but I don't know how to go about life anymore.. It feels like a circle that I'm cursed to walk around and around, I need a hand to drag me out of the routine that I seem to be stuck in. I don't know how I can get that hand or if it was offered to me if I would even accept it. I am really messed up. So messed up that sometimes I even scare myself. I don't know how I truly just let my habits and my thoughts consume my mind and personality and life. I don't know when I finally just started choosing to put on a mask instead of actually feel genuine happiness. I don't know when I decided that I could not love anymore.. and I don't know how I will ever get back to who I used to be... Where did I go? Where did that young girl go? Why did she turn into a cutter? Why did she attempt suicide so many times? What made her want to die so badly.. Why did she let them all get to her? Why did she destroy herself to become somebody that she wasn't? Why did she change to make a guy happy who could care less about her? Why didn't she get over the break up like everyone else told her to? Why was she so stubborn that she refused to see that he didn't love her anymore.. Why did she let him tear her apart with every word he said? Why did she cry to him on the phone and let him know how much he hurt her? And why was his reaction nothing more than a pitiful, I'm sorry but we will never be together again.. You just hurt me too much to ever be with you.. And why does everybody get to be happy and in love? Why does the concept of love seem so difficult for me to grasp? What is it that I'm afraid of? 

Captured Feelings

Captured Feelings,

       Yay.. another blog, another day, another breath, another... another.. something.. but still nothing. I got my tongue pierced a few days ago, it was time for a change in my life.. I really like it but has been causing some pain.. Everything has been okay.. but I'm really missing people from my past all of this week (spring break), not sure why really.. just nostalgic and i wish that things hadn't had changed so quickly because I realize I was a lot happier back then than I am now.. Of course my ex is in town again.. Friday through Sunday.. and everytime he comes here it just makes me anxious thinking that I could possibly see him hanging out somewhere and I still wouldn't be allowed to wave to him or say hi or anything and that is just.. the most depressing thing.. Everyone tells me I should just text him and ask him to hang out with me.. well thats easier said than done.. I rather not say anything at all than to face rejection when he tells me that he'll ask his girlfriend and comes back a few hours later (or minutes dunno) and says that she told him no.. Like I honestly rather just not say anything at all than to face that heart break everytime.. and it really makes it hard to move on to someone else and tell someone else I love them if I'm still in love with him.. cause as much as I scream to myself that I am not in love with him anymore, I know that I am.. and I know that I always will be because in all honesty he took a part of me that I dont think I can ever get back and I think that anyone who has been in love and has lost that love can understand what I'm going through... I feel like I entered that relationship a whole person and I left it a lot less than half of a person.. and I just don't know how to be whole again.. I healed myself from most of the damage that he caused but it still hurts when I see how happy he is with someone new and how unhappy I am with everyone I try to date.. I just want to be happy with a guy again.. I know I can say yeah I'm happy, Yeah I miss you, Yeah i really care about you.. but secretly I'm saying that theres never going to be another him though.. not in this lifetime.. I don't want to fall in love again, I don't even think I possibly can right now.. I don't really know if I believe that you can love two people at the same time.. because love.. love demands to be felt and its hard to ignore and it's hard to replace with another love and you can cheat on them and be with someone else but when you lay your head down to rest at night.. your mind just wanders back to them and how you really messed things up.... and how desperately you would do anything to get them back but you know in all honestly that they don't want you, and that they would be unhappy with you.. So how do you chase your dreams when your dreams don't want you to chase them? Do you just.. let them go because you know it's better for them? Because then you'd be losing all of your hope of the future.. and I know I sound crazy and I know I'm too young to feel this way about a guy and blah blah blah.. but I felt like I met my soulmate, we connected in everyway and how do you just pull yourself away from that feeling? How do you.. leave that? How do you walk away from that..? Could you ever even possibly imagine that pain..? I hear a lot of stories about people who get married and are unhappy because they had been in love before and you never really have a more truer, real, passionate love than the very first one and I feel like if I can't get him back, I will never experience that love again.. or I won't ever let myself experience that love again.. the same thing I feel like.. Our mind is really a damn prison isn't it? It really just traps us and encircles us with feelings that we don't want to feel anymore.. Doesn't let us move on when we desperately want to.. I couldn't tell you if this was the PMDD that is doing this to me or if it's just my silly teenage girl self.. I really wish I had some answers but I don't think anyone I asked would be able to answer me correctly.. I mean I would talk about my ex and mention all the fights we had and people scream that it wasn't healthy.. but you know what.. with all of those fights, we still came back together at the end of the day and still loved eachother and I feel like thats all the mattered.. doesn't matter how many feelings and tears that were shed or felt.. As long as we were in love at the end of it all.. Because if you have someone to hold in your arms and love and be loved at the end of the day, thats all I really need..

Rewinding Ties

Rewinding Ties,

So now honestly it's been a very very long time since I have written anything. Alex and I broke up on our two month, in January.. About 3 weeks later, Wil asked me out.. we met through work and the instant I saw him I knew that he was too good for me.. but we hit it off instantly when we worked together and talked and I got his phone number and then we hung out for the first time and he asked me out, so we've been together since January 29th :) We just celebrated our one month on March 1st! We are doing really well but he has been grounded since February 12th, doesn't get off until March 12th so we have been struggling with that. He makes me happy but I have been feeling the PMDD pretty harshly with him.. I'm trying to hold on with all of my might and not let go of him. I started feeling no affection towards him at all, wanted to end it and just escape away from him. Now i'm feeling better, I really hate this disorder. Everyone talks about how it's going to get worse as I age.. well if it's pretty damn bad right now that I can barely resist taking a knife to my wrist.. what am I going to do when it get's worse? I'm worried.. Anyways. So After the break up, Alex got really really depressed, went suicidal, refused to talk to me because I hurt him so much.. He started cutting, I blame myself for that. It's always my fault. But as of right now he told his mom about the cutting and is getting into therapy and depression medicine, and we are finally talking and trying to maintain friends (without hanging out).. I'm not sure if he will stay stable because he still likes me but it's a step from where he WAS right after the break up. Me and Cameron (The ex before Alex) started talking again, he randomly messaged me on facebook giving me his phone # and I foolishly texted him, since I had been wanting to talk to him forever and he claimed it was a friend that sent out messages to everyone but honestly I think it was him.. He is doing a lot better, he told me how upset he was after our break up and really really just made me feel so guilty for leaving him.. He just constantly felt like he wasn't good enough, but all of my break-ups have been because of the PMDD.. it's not that I don't care.. it's just that I can't logically reason my real feelings out of my PMDD feelings/thoughts and it just gets really hard... anyways.. He has a girlfriend now, he's happy with her so he claims but he's still crazy about me and he was one of the good guys in my life and so I still like him too but honestly me and him, we would never work out again and I keep that thought in the back of my head..There are just too many things that can never be sorted out.. distance was one of them, a 40 minute drive and a quarter tank of gas everytime, yeah.. it really hits the wallet. But yeah.. me and him are trying to maintain a friendship somewhat, we are on and off again talking .. why? I have no idea..  He stopped talking to me after I hit a relapse with my cutting and told him about it, he didn't want to talk to me if I wasn't happy. I understood that.. nobody wants to talk to a depressed person, nobody wants to talk to me when I am in a bad mood, mostly because that's when I can hurt your feelings the most and do the most damage... to your feelings or my body. Thats when I just need to be locked away, lose all communication until I can get over the waves of mood swings.. I wish I could do that.. but people would worry.. and they would never understand that it's for the best. Anyways. I need to start writing more, I just always feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I should write a lot and explain everything but in all honestly even if I wrote a little bit, I would end up writing more than I expected to and I'm just trying to track progress and thoughts and stuff, nothing really else! This isn't math! It's just a diary but I tend to make it so complicated. I'm starting dieting again.. time to get down to 130 or 120 or something..

Healing Steps

Healing Steps,

So Happy new years, and merry Christmas blah I haven't posted in a while but I seriously say that every time. Everything has been pretty good lately, kinda up and down of course. oh! Since the last time I posted I got my birth control implant in my arm, it's supposed to control the mood swings and hopefully keep the depression away.. I'm just hoping it really really will work for me.. no changes so far and its been a few weeks.. Still mood swing as hard and quickly as before.. It really sucks. and I've been like obsessing over Alex, I'm not sure how he has not just like ran away yet.. haaha. he's been gone for a week at his friends house in another state, hes finally coming back tomorrow and I have missed him like crazy.. hormones I think or I actually care for him.. whichever one. My ex visited for the holidays of course.. I was working when his dad ordered pizza from my job and came through the drive thru and I made sure I was not the one to get it, I did not want to experience that awkwardness.. I mean I know I have changed but his parents haven't spoken to me in like over a year so they barely know me at all anymore.. they still just believe im that depressed little cutter manipulative bitch of a girlfriend I used to be.. that I'm still not a healthy person to be around etc etc.. I really regret that I could not fix myself in time. Thats what happens when PMDD goes undiagnosed for so long I guess though.. but I waited several years to even try to do something about fixing it.. I don't know.. this implant cuts off all fertility (not that I had any to begin with) and periods and whatnot for 3 years.. hopefully it will be the cure that I am looking for.. or it will do nothing for me and i'll have to have it taken out.. woo.. that would be just my luck wouldn't it? I just want everything to keep going good. My relationship is stable and doing well.. I'm back to talking with my best friends.. and school is starting soon and I'm going back into medical classes and will have a class with my best friend and hopefully everything will start to look up and be bright.. but just when I say that something terrible will happen.. Oh. My brother is moving out on tuesday, going to college down south.. I'm going to miss him like crazy because he will probably never visit but I'm glad hes making something of his life and pursing a career. I hope our family tensions wont rise or anything like they did last time he moved out.. I don't know. I'm just worried but everything is calm right now and for that I am very very very thankful. Like no.. today I feel beautiful. but I still feel really fat too -.- it's so confusing. but I'm re-starting my diet soon again and hopefully can get down to 130 or something.. I just want to be thin. I need to be thin. I really want to start working out this year, but It's just hard to find the motivation I guess. Maybe just work on maintaining a healthy relationship.. that sounds like a good new years resolution. Alex is great.. honestly. we connect in every way and I hope that never changes. But seriously I know when he graduates everything will start being strained but I hope we can just keep it going.. or if me and him end eventually, I hope that I can get over the pain quickly and jump back into the pain like I failed to do after my ex. I guess thats what you have to do in times of heartbreak, just start replacing the memories of a old love with a new love... He did that and I did not. but it's time I start and it'll get better in time.. I know it will.. this ache will go away eventually or I just won't notice it anymore.. and I can't wait until that day.. where I can hear his name without feeling pangs of sadness.. that I will not forever associate places, songs, etc with him.. And no I'm not going to text him anymore.. If he ever wants to talk to me, he will text me first. I am not going to give him the satisfaction of torturing me anymore. I deserve better.. at least I hope I deserve better.. someone just tell me I'm doing the right thing.. or that I'm trying my hardest.. cause I am.. but it just never feels like I'm doing anything right. Moving on is hard. But Alex is my new step forward... right?