Broken Relationships

Broken Relationships,

       Wow I just realized that it has been almost 2 months since I have written anything.. Well I honestly don't know what I could say.. How I can sum up all that has happened since then but I guess I will try to.. Me and Wil are currently broken up, we had a fight and just broke up 2 days ago. It's Tuesday afternoon and I haven't eaten anything since Saturday.. I've lost 7.5 pounds just from that, no I don't know why I'm not eating.. I feel hungry and I wake up with hunger pains but something tells me that I do not deserve to eat. Maybe how I treated wil, I don't know.. but me and him we just fight and fight and he annoys me to death.. I keep thinking that this is not how relationships should be, I should always want to be with him and love him and kiss him and need to be around him.. but it's the exact opposite.. I found that I was always making excuses to not see him.. and when we did hang out I would not want to kiss him or talk or do anything much.. and I don't know why.. I don't know why I just couldn't handle a relationship with him.. He confessed to me that he was staying with me because he knew our relationship had a meaning and that he was meant to be with me.. but I just couldn't and never did feel the same way about him. Honestly I haven't had any real feelings toward anyone.. I don't feel as distant as I used to be but I kind of give up on trying to find someone that I will love like I loved Daniel, and that will love me back the way I need to be loved. Relationships are just too complicated.. but of course I'm dating a new guy, long distance but his name is Dyllan.. he lives 11 hours from me, a few states away.. I don't know if this will last or if it will go anywhere honestly, he said hes coming to visit here in a month.. and I turn 17 in exactly a month! Booya! But yeah.. he's a real sweetheart, he's cute, my type of guy and we have so much in common.. of course all my friends were freaked out cause they were wondering what happened to wil.. but it's summer time, I don't have to see wil if I don't want to until school starts again in August so i'm trying to move on as quick as possible so that I never go back to him again. I'm tired of the break up make up situation with him, I need better, I don't care if I'm STILL not dating the right guy.. at least he is a ton better than wil. I get asked alot why I stayed with him for so long, honestly I have no idea.. I couldn't even answer that question when I ask MYSELF it.. I guess cause I was just so desperate to have a relationship work with somebody, anybody, that I forced myself.. June 29th would have been our 5 months.. already it was my second longest relationship.. Mine and Daniel's was 8 months.. I kept thinking that eventually I would fall in love with wil, right? But it had been almost 5 months and I just more and more couldn't stand him, like he was getting better in some areas but other areas were worse. I felt like I was using him as eye candy, and he was using me to get over his ex-girlfriend that he was still in love with.. I mean what guy can honestly stay friends with their ex's? I just haven't been able to do that.. and I don't know how it's even possible because they either have to be in love still or were never in love in the first place... Did I make the right decision ending things with wil? I don't know. I kept telling myself I felt nothing for him.. but I felt something, but it didn't seem enough.. didn't make me want to stay.. I didn't want to be trapped with him.. I was tired of it.. I don't care how cute he is and how long I've already been with him, I had to get out of that.. Uhmmm as far as everything else, I haven't spoken to my ex-best friend in about 2 months, we fell apart pretty quickly.. she chose her boyfriend over her best friend of 6 years and that's all I can say about that.. I'm honestly glad she's out of my life, sometimes I miss having talks with her and ranting my heart out to her but as long as she is with him, I will always be second best, I will never be able to be the closest to her heart anymore, I was replaced majorly and I just wasn't going to stick around to let her continually pick him over me.. I'm not being selfish, I just know that shes making the same choice I made with Daniel.. to pick my boyfriend over all of my friends.. I even told her that, but she didn't listen to me.. so when she realizes that everybody is gone.. She only has herself to blame.. also with another friend, we are no longer friends, because she lied straight to my face about where she was going instead of going to hurricane harbor with us.. she said it was cause her dad wanted her to go college visit.. NOPE It was because she wanted to drive to Oklahoma to see her girlfriend of a week.. ridiculous.. she told everyone else the truth expect for me, then had the courage to lie to me.. and didn't think I would find out.. People really have some nerve.. I will try to write more.. I love writing, I don't care if it's not proper English or grammar but to journal and get everything out, heals me in more ways than therapy or medicine could. Oh.. and nobody worry, I will eat eventually...