First Times

First Times,

So Today is three months with Wil.. It has been good, of course it has been filled with the ups and downs but I think that it gets better over time, right now of course it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere.. I actually don't feel like I'M going anywhere.. I feel kind of stuck in the same place now. Like I'm somewhat over the hurt that people have caused me in the past, but now I feel like I'm stuck in this one place and I'm not really sure how I move on from here.. Like my love for wil, it doesn't feel the same.. it doesn't feel as intense and passionate and raw.. and I wonder.. is it like this for everyone who tries to love again after the first heart break? Is it always not going to be AS good? Like the first time you get high, its the best thing because its a new experience and your body is a virgin to it, your mind a virgin to it, etc.. And then anytime you get high after that, it just isn't the same.. and that's why meth addicts chase their high.. chase that time they got high for the first time. Is that kind of how a love addict does as well? They chase that love they once had that they lost.. Is that what I am doing? Am I no better than a drug addict.. trying to chase something that will no longer be there.. trying to obtain a love that is raw and untampered as the very first time? It sounds like something I would do.. but it's not fair.. I don't know why everything has to be compared to him now.. I don't know why I keep making the same mistakes.. It's too late to leave Wil now though, it's too late to just brush him off and let him go.. but I can't imagine being with him for the rest of my life.. because there has to be better than this.. I have to be able to be happier than THIS. and the sad thing is, I've had a great day and then I come home and I get online and I start to ponder everything and that's when my mood just falls apart.. because I start seeing the holes in everything.. I start seeing the facade that the day wore so well.. It's so complicated and I wish that it wasn't so hard for me to keep on one straight narrow path. I'm stressed about starting my job on Wednesday . I don't even know why.. I've already worked once.. but something about leaving behind my past job and starting over just bugs me I guess.. I think I have such a strong mentality that I'm not good enough that I tend to just think that I will not be good enough for anything ever. I will not be good enough to ever love again, I will not be good enough to keep this job either.. I will always do something wrong in my life wether I'm trying my hardest or not.. and that's what bugs me. I have been a perfectionist for all of my life.. yet I have never shown perfect results.. and it kills me inside some days.. some days I can handle that I am not the best, but today.. it is bugging me for some reason. I'm indecisive.. and I feel just as trapped as I was with Alex.. but it's not like that.. it's not even close to my relationship with him.. They're nothing alike.. so why am I feeling this way? I feel like I am over my heartbreak.. but when I start getting a mirror and looking up close, I can still see those tiny little fractures that remind me that I am not perfectly okay just yet. I sometimes wonder if I should just learn to live with the pain, learn to live with everything not being as good as the first time.. I seriously need to talk to somebody who has gone through the same things as me because I have so many questions, I don't understand myself and I don't always understand what is going on in my life and how I am even handling anything.. I feel like things just tend to slip through my grasp and when there is a choice of good and bad, I tend to just choose bad because its the easier one, right? But for once.. I decided last night that I didn't want to cheat on Wil.. I didn't want to be interested in anybody else and I just wanted to stay with him.. and I think thats the first time I have ever told myself you know, you need to stick with one person, you don't get more than one.. There are so many single people in this world and I don't really understand why I should get more than one person.. I am not worthy of that and that's not fair to anyone who I am not dating, because that's just leading on and I'm not supposed to be that type of person.. I'm supposed to be faithful and secure and independent and trustworthy and lately I don't feel like any of that. Do I tell him that I've already cheated on him.. and hope that he forgives me? Or do I just continue as I have been.. what he know won't hurt him? I don't know.. I don't think that is something he would forgive me for.. I don't think thats something I can forgive myself for... cheating in every single relationship I have been in... that is so disgusting and revolting to me... Can I possibly blame my PMDD on this one? I don't even know.. Do I use my PMDD as an excuse to much? Is it really ME that is the shit person inside...? Am I really the one who is doing all of these bad things?