Lost Again

Lost Again, 

So another day of writing woop. I've been so freaking miserable for the past week, just in and out of mood swings and being all bitchy with Wil.. I feel so bad for just acting that way and pushing him away.. but he has been pretty understanding of whats going on and knows that I don't mean to be mean and that I will be fine eventually. Well of course with my period, brings the calm of the storm because the mood swings finally stop. Everything was perfect on Saturday and then last night was just hell... one of the worst nights for me and it wasn't even because of a mood swing. But I ruined two relationships with my guy friends last night and maybe I shouldn't be so upset but I kind of am. I always try to prove to myself that I can stay friends with guys and not try to go past that in any way.. But anyways, Yeah.. I was talking to Frank last night and somehow we got into a fight, it all started because he asked me why I even dated Wil.. I told him that I didn't need someone who was perfect, I needed someone that could love me with all of my flaws and see the dark side of me and still want to be with me.. I know Wil isn't perfect, and I don't care because he's mine and I accept him and all of his faults. Frank got pissed I guess though, said that it was funny because he always did that for me and that he was just tired of being unappreciated and used by me.. I was like well first off, I never used you, You told me you were going to move on past me and talk to other girls and then you go and flirt with my best friend who I love dearly.. I mean I know you are a guy and you like to mess around but the second you tell me that you love me, and yet I read your messages to my best friend saying that you would love to date her, etc. We have come to a problem.. So he started bashing me and saying that Wil wanted him to hang out with me so that he could have a break from me and that from his standpoint I was just clingy and needy.. clingy and needy.. those words, they stuck in my mind as I took a blade to my leg.. over 100 times, the worst I've ever done.. I don't know why I let myself do that over his words.. but the fact that he knew me well enough, and judged me in a critical way and just wanted nothing to do with me anymore.. I don't know, it hurt.. It hurt in a way that it made me want to hurt myself physically so that the pain wasn't just mental. And where was Wil in all of this? He got grounded for a week.. I just don't know anymore. I really need him here for me and he is just always lacking.. I mean I know it's not his fault, I can't blame him. but I can't help myself but just push away.. push away and reject everything hes offering me. A second chance to have a happy and long relationship? No thanks.. knowing me I would just mess it up like the first time and I know that sometimes people deserve second chances and I begged and begged for my second chance with the love of my life, and I never got it.. so why should I give it to myself with another person this time around? I must really enjoy being unhappy.. but I don't know how to go about life anymore.. It feels like a circle that I'm cursed to walk around and around, I need a hand to drag me out of the routine that I seem to be stuck in. I don't know how I can get that hand or if it was offered to me if I would even accept it. I am really messed up. So messed up that sometimes I even scare myself. I don't know how I truly just let my habits and my thoughts consume my mind and personality and life. I don't know when I finally just started choosing to put on a mask instead of actually feel genuine happiness. I don't know when I decided that I could not love anymore.. and I don't know how I will ever get back to who I used to be... Where did I go? Where did that young girl go? Why did she turn into a cutter? Why did she attempt suicide so many times? What made her want to die so badly.. Why did she let them all get to her? Why did she destroy herself to become somebody that she wasn't? Why did she change to make a guy happy who could care less about her? Why didn't she get over the break up like everyone else told her to? Why was she so stubborn that she refused to see that he didn't love her anymore.. Why did she let him tear her apart with every word he said? Why did she cry to him on the phone and let him know how much he hurt her? And why was his reaction nothing more than a pitiful, I'm sorry but we will never be together again.. You just hurt me too much to ever be with you.. And why does everybody get to be happy and in love? Why does the concept of love seem so difficult for me to grasp? What is it that I'm afraid of?