Rewinding Ties

Rewinding Ties,

So now honestly it's been a very very long time since I have written anything. Alex and I broke up on our two month, in January.. About 3 weeks later, Wil asked me out.. we met through work and the instant I saw him I knew that he was too good for me.. but we hit it off instantly when we worked together and talked and I got his phone number and then we hung out for the first time and he asked me out, so we've been together since January 29th :) We just celebrated our one month on March 1st! We are doing really well but he has been grounded since February 12th, doesn't get off until March 12th so we have been struggling with that. He makes me happy but I have been feeling the PMDD pretty harshly with him.. I'm trying to hold on with all of my might and not let go of him. I started feeling no affection towards him at all, wanted to end it and just escape away from him. Now i'm feeling better, I really hate this disorder. Everyone talks about how it's going to get worse as I age.. well if it's pretty damn bad right now that I can barely resist taking a knife to my wrist.. what am I going to do when it get's worse? I'm worried.. Anyways. So After the break up, Alex got really really depressed, went suicidal, refused to talk to me because I hurt him so much.. He started cutting, I blame myself for that. It's always my fault. But as of right now he told his mom about the cutting and is getting into therapy and depression medicine, and we are finally talking and trying to maintain friends (without hanging out).. I'm not sure if he will stay stable because he still likes me but it's a step from where he WAS right after the break up. Me and Cameron (The ex before Alex) started talking again, he randomly messaged me on facebook giving me his phone # and I foolishly texted him, since I had been wanting to talk to him forever and he claimed it was a friend that sent out messages to everyone but honestly I think it was him.. He is doing a lot better, he told me how upset he was after our break up and really really just made me feel so guilty for leaving him.. He just constantly felt like he wasn't good enough, but all of my break-ups have been because of the PMDD.. it's not that I don't care.. it's just that I can't logically reason my real feelings out of my PMDD feelings/thoughts and it just gets really hard... anyways.. He has a girlfriend now, he's happy with her so he claims but he's still crazy about me and he was one of the good guys in my life and so I still like him too but honestly me and him, we would never work out again and I keep that thought in the back of my head..There are just too many things that can never be sorted out.. distance was one of them, a 40 minute drive and a quarter tank of gas everytime, yeah.. it really hits the wallet. But yeah.. me and him are trying to maintain a friendship somewhat, we are on and off again talking .. why? I have no idea..  He stopped talking to me after I hit a relapse with my cutting and told him about it, he didn't want to talk to me if I wasn't happy. I understood that.. nobody wants to talk to a depressed person, nobody wants to talk to me when I am in a bad mood, mostly because that's when I can hurt your feelings the most and do the most damage... to your feelings or my body. Thats when I just need to be locked away, lose all communication until I can get over the waves of mood swings.. I wish I could do that.. but people would worry.. and they would never understand that it's for the best. Anyways. I need to start writing more, I just always feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I should write a lot and explain everything but in all honestly even if I wrote a little bit, I would end up writing more than I expected to and I'm just trying to track progress and thoughts and stuff, nothing really else! This isn't math! It's just a diary but I tend to make it so complicated. I'm starting dieting again.. time to get down to 130 or 120 or something..