I realize

I realize,

So of course, still dating Alex. I saw him last night and it was the first time we hung out alone with eachother.. yeah it was okay, we had fun, we laid on my bed and talked and laughed and talked about our past relationships and everything, but I still don't feel that connection that I'm looking for. The one that I've only had with my ex, and it can't seem to be found in anyone else. I took off of work tonight to hang out with Alex and Ashley and her boyfriend, like a double date. Hopefully it'll go well.. I guess I'm kind of feeling the same way again.. why stay with someone when I know it's not going to work out in the end? I don't think me and Alex will have a future.. he's not really what I want in a guy I guess.. Or am I just saying/thinking that so that I will never find anyone whos right? Am I just trying to protect myself? Probably.. but I can't tell if these feelings are real.. I mean yes I know he's a nice guy, he's really good for me.. he doesn't touch drugs, doesn't drink, isn't all into sex, smart, etc.. But I mean.. that's GREAT but.. that's not.. what.. I want... in a guy.. I want someone who is romantic and passionate, playful and flirty and silly, can make me laugh a million times and make me smile and have butterflies in my stomach when im around him, where I can look up into his eyes and know that he adores me and that I adore him and just get completely lost in his eyes and never want to look away.. I want him to be able to hold me when I'm upset and let me cry on his shoulder, I want him to be able to be serious with me and let me know when something is going on and make me feel like I am actually helping him and he's taking my advice, etc.. I don't care that he's smart in school (Just don't be a dumbass), I don't care if he does drugs (weed only though :/) or if hes had a rough past, if hes cut before, or attempted suicide, I just want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to be in love and know that it's returned right back. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in public with him, I want to show off to the world that he is mine and I am his. I want to look at him and be in his arms as if time has completely stopped and the world has stopped spinning just for us. I want to be able to trust him with every part of me, I want him to know that I am damaged and accept that and heal up every cracked little part of me.. even the parts that I didn't know needed to be fixed. I don't care if we don't agree on every little thing, I don't need him to want to be a doctor like I do, or find science and medicine or art as interesting as me, I just need to connect. Not in a physical way (though that is good too), but in a mental connection.. to feel like we BELONG together.. that we are not trying to force anything.. And I only had that feeling described above with my ex.. all of it.. it was exactly like that.. though we fought a lot more in between all of the lovey-dovey stuff. So now you think damn, she let all of that go? Well yeah... They are really telling the truth when they say you never know what you have until it's gone. This week has been kind of on and off hell with healing from wisdom teeth surgery and dealing with the depression side effects of hydrocodone, I did end up cutting.. just once, but deeper than ever and on my wrist where its impossible to hide, I'm ashamed.. but I felt like shit... about myself, about life, about the future, the past, everything, and I still feel like shit.. I'm just trying to cover it up I guess and not really think about it. I'm glad I had this entire week off for thanksgiving break, or i would have ended up missing so much school to heal from this stupid surgery.. They said I'd be better in 3 days, nope! A week and 1 day post op and I still hurt.. but not as much as a few days ago, definitely a ton better. Thanksgiving was kind of okay, the food was alright, and I ended up sleeping for most of it since my medication does that.. Christmas is soon.. but it also means December 16th... It would have been our two year anniversary.. hard to believe it's already been that long... time flies.. if only we would have stayed together.. but now my one month with alex is on December 11th.. just 5 days away.......    I really don't want to be with anybody... I just want to be single.. but I can't keep breaking hearts like this.. but I hate being single.. but I can't fall in love.. but I can't trust anyone... but I just need someone to be there for me.. And I've been thinking about it lately.. even if I was the richest, prettiest person in the world.. I still wouldn't be happy. Money nor good looks can buy happiness when you are this depressed. This is not "sad" anymore, this is depressed.. this is what it feels like to be depressed again.. Safe to say I didn't miss it.. 

An Experience

An Experience,

First off, I'm extremely sick ugh. I went to the doctor and I have just a sinus infection but I feel like I'm dying. amazing that I'm still alive honestly lol. Anyways, Things have been kind of up and down. Yes I was still single, and me and him are completely over now. He told me he still wants me but isn't going to stick around where hes not wanted. I feel so bad for breaking his heart like that but it was over before it began and it was never going to go anywhere.. and I'm glad that I ended it with him because I ended up meeting this really sweet guy, Alex. Yeah shocker I'm using a name for the first time but I know that I will get me AND my few readers confused if I keep using (him, ex-boyfriend), etc. Anyways. So Alex is a friend of my BEST friend (Ashley) and I hung out with him in a group on Halloween.. and I don't know, I thought he was instantly cute when I first saw him but of course I was in a relationship and somewhat happy so I didn't really give him much of a second glance. And then on November 4th, me and him and Ashley hung out and went to the mall for sonic blasts and saw The Possession, I instantly made him laugh and I realized how cute he was and how nervous he made me by being so darn cute. He's quiet but I loved that I could make him laugh and he even had some humor in him, and of course we both laughed that Ashley kept jumping with the scary parts... The movie was good, and we got out and we all didn't want the night to end.. so we went to McDonald's and sat down and ordered some food and literally we all just talked, and chatted and laughed and became closer and I kind of flirted with him a bit but I was uncertain if he liked me or not at that point. I barely looked at him, I was trying not to give away that I liked him.. I was afraid that it looked bad I was hopping in and out of relationships.. But I guess it didn't bother him.. we talked for 2 hours and we dropped him off at his house and I got his number from Ashley and we just instantly started texting, and flirting of course.. So I knew he began to like me, and I began to like him too. Then on November 9th, we had a sleepover at ashley's house.. Her parents were gone and somehow we all just ended up staying at her house.. I had work and was only an hour late! But it was still one of the best nights.. We watched stupid cheesy movies and ate pizza and got fat. We switched to TV and had to sit through all of these condom commercials and pregnancy and viagra, sex commercials.. it was very very awkward but we laughed each time by how awkward it was. And it we went to Walmart at like 12 at night and got monsters and ice cream.. Of course we had to be even more fat and not eat JUST pizza! :) but I spoon fed Alex ice cream, and I accidentally got some on his face and freaking laughed so hard, I felt bad but we made a joke later that I should have just licked it off for him. Ashley fell asleep at about 3am maybe? She kept waking up though when the dogs barked or alarms went off. So me and alex just laid apart facing eachother on the couch and held hands all night and talked about our lives, talked about our families and likes and dislikes and past relationships and how we felt about eachother, etc. I kept looking at him, just wanting to kiss him.. but I resisted, I knew we were just considered "friends" but I kissed his hands and his forehead, just as a simple gesture I guess. We didn't sleep at all. and got up at 7:30 to take Ashley's dogs to the kennel. Then we went and got (shocker) MORE FOOD. and He like hugged me from behind in Starbucks and made my heart just tighten, it was so cute of him and just made me smile completely. He wasn't afraid to be with me, He wanted me and thought I was beautiful even without makeup. That's a first. He doesn't know my past yet honestly, and I know he will eventually, Scars are hard to hide. But I hope that maybe he will accept it in stride. (I know this is getting into a super long post) Anyways. So I dropped him off at home saturday morning, and missed him all day and sunday too.. And then on Monday 11/12/12, Ashley's guy she has been interested in for 11 weeks finally asked her out. and I thought wow, how cool their month anniversary is 12/12/12 and then their year is 11/12/13, and I have always LOVED repeating dates so I told her this. and I suppose she told Alex.. and she hinted at me that by the end of the day we'd be twinsies. so I of course I realized he was going to ask me out.. I started mood swinging at about 3rd period though.. and He texted me after school asking if he could call me.. I just said no, I was busy driving home.. I was depressed and crying for no reason (I call PMDD on this one), and I just didn't want him to ask me out or be with him at all.. but I finally got out of my mood swing at about 6p.m. and he asked if he could call me, and of course I said sure.. and he called and said "You know I want to be a couple soo.. will you be my girlfriend?" and I was like "Yes!" so we were official in that moment.. and we kept talking for a bit, mostly just to listen to me do my algebra work haha.. that I fail at. So that's where we're at right now. Happy.. but worried..and terrified that he will realize I'm not as great as he thinks I am.. that I'm actually ugly and not beautiful at all... Hopefully he'll never come to that realization.. but I know that someday he will.. Just let me be happy for a little bit, thats all I want.. and then you can take it away...

Just Sometimes

Just Sometimes,

It's one of those nights again.. yeah THOSE nights. Where you just want to stop living, stop breathing, disappear in the blink of an eye and you know that nobody would really notice. Where you just feel like you are right in the middle of the room but everybody's eyes just kind of go right through you as if you aren't even there.. You feel so useless and so broken and so hopeless that you continually wonder when this is ever going to get better. Has it gotten any better at all in the past year? It makes you question every single step of process that you believe you have made...It makes you think that you have just gone completely back to square one.. until you wake up in the morning I guess and then will it be all gone? Some days it is .. some days it lingers with me throughout the day. A storm cloud that just constantly drenches every single one of your thoughts with self doubt and pity and misery.. a rain cloud you can't escape from under... maybe you'll share a smile with a friend and you can dry yourself off for a few minutes but then maybe the slightest text or the drop of a pen will set you back off and the down pour comes back and you are drenched and freezing and shivering once again.. and you come home and nobody sees the sadness in your eyes. Everybody walks past you, gives you a side hug and says welcome home as you are just expected to go on with your life. Nobody sees the way your glance lingers on your own wrist, imaging the way that you could cut it or the way your eyes drift off into space, considering all the possibilities that you could simply end your life.. but I.. I think of the consequences too. I know what it's like to fail a suicide attempt and trust me I don't ever want to fail again.. and it would take some serious planning to not fail again... But when is ever the right time? Like honestly.. I make these plans.. I have them all into action, but then something great happens in your life or you're waiting for a movie.. or a text back or something and you're like jeez.. theres no good time to end your life.. I suppose it has to be a now or never moment right? Theres no exact plan I could ever just follow and go through with to a tee.. because I will always find a reason to stay alive, for another minute, another day, another week, another month. As much as I want to see myself graduate and be something in life I will never see it. I'm not saying that I KNOW I will kill myself..  I'm just saying that I know the clock is ticking, what does it want from me? what is it asking me to do? and when will it strike? I'm not sure if it's telling me that a mental break down is coming soon or if it's my death from some natural incident or something.. I have no idea. I need some answers... it's like that annoying ticking in the back of your mind.. tick.. tock.. tick.. tock.. telling you it's time to go, but you have no clue what you're being asked to do or go to.. Is it a form of god? I don't think so.. I think it's just myself being insane. some new form of psychotic behavior? lucky me. Hah. Just kidding. I don't know.. I should maybe write my suicide letter some day.. or would someone find my blog some day and show my parents? and they'll read it and probably understand so much and they'll fill in all the blanks that they've been missing all along.. or they won't understand my words at all and they'll be even more lost.. who knows..  

Considering Events

Considering Events,

This week.. has been, I don't know, maybe just full of ups and downs? Officially back to single.. the guilt was eating me alive and I couldn't stand to lead on two people but subconsciously pushing my own boyfriend away, he didn't deserve that.. but I know the break up hurt him.. but I think it would be worse if I kept lying to him because he knew I was pushing him away, I can't hide my feelings or emotions very well. I wish I could just tell him everything.. and tell him every lie I have made up to cover up my dark past.. but I can't.. I don't know if I will ever be 100% honest with another person again.. It's like you just kind of want to move on and never relive those moments again so why would you bring them back up to somebody new? Doesn't everybody just want to start fresh with a new person in their life? somebody who DOESN'T know your mistakes or even your accomplishments.. That's why I want to leave and get away so bad.. I just want to start over and I shouldn't have to talk about my past if I truly don't want to.. I know it matters because it's where my problems come from but do you need to know EVERYTHING...?! I feel gross if I go into details about my depression or cutting or sex or anything because it makes me just look worse and worse of a person.. I hate that I'm "experienced" or that I've had a rough past and still a rough present.. it just makes me look like a weak whore who doesn't know how to control herself.. but people change.. and I know that. But some days it's harder than others to just stay on the right track and keep going forward in my life. I know I have no reason to be depressed or upset or stressed or worried but that just kind of happens.. I never truly come to a relaxation point in my life.. it's very very rare.. I just contribute it to the PMDD and I guess maybe I will never be happy.. I did more research on it last night just as a refresher almost and I read that it actually gets WORSE with age.. Lucky me, right? Wrong.. If I can barely handle my mood swings as a teenager, I'm worried that they will only be magnified and if my boyfriend couldn't handle my mood swings, how would a husband be able to handle them if they are even worse? And here I am again worrying about trivial things. I don't even know if I will live past tomorrow, let alone next year.. why do I waste my time on the future? And more importantly why am I not thinking about colleges like I should be? or doing my midterm reviews like I should be? or being a part of my family and watching the tv show like I should be? I don't know.. I don't expect that I will ever do anything right in my mind.. I am too good at messing up. and I'm too used to being a failure that being a "good" person would be.. confusing?.. I'm not sure.. I am a bad person. I know it, and I wish people wouldn't try to argue against that.. a good person does NOT do the things that I have done or said or been through.. no.. I should be alone.. because nobody deserves this. nobody deserves a piece of trash who has been swept under the rug and in the dark for so long.. I crave attention and love and affection but I honestly don't deserve it. Not for the terrible person I've been all of my life. I wish I knew where I went wrong in my life.. if there had been a choice that if I made differently, EVERYTHING would have been different.. crazy to think about all the choices I've made and the consequences and joys that have came with each one? Things to think about for the weekend.. I need to really mediate and find a piece of calm in my life for once. 

Stressing Out

Stressing Out,

But I know that I will be.

bloggy blog blog time right after school. haha.. I don't really know what the fuck is going on with my life anymore right now honestly. I tried to break up with my boyfriend.. it didn't end up happening... I feel too guilty.. like I'm giving up on him if I end it? but I'm not happy.. aren't you supposed to leave when you aren't happy? I don't know what to do. I'm back in that phase of my life where every question I get asked is I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't knowwwwwww!!!! I'm not sure what I want or what I deserve or what I should have or any of that.. It's just too complicated and my words aren't even making sense anymore haha.. Is it weird that I have been contemplating suicide again? A plan to make it happen.. I don't really know why or when I started or what would happen if I failed.. nor have I told anyone.. except now.. to the SO MANY PEOPLE THAT READ MY BLOG.. kidding.. nobody reads this except me :) kinda.. sorta.. I honestly don't know what to write anymore. This week is exam week and I'm stressed but I finally dropped my hospitality class today, thank god. I'm going to miss the people in a way but I know that it was not what I wanted to do and I didn't want to stay in it from day one.. SAT/ACT prep and keyboarding class is what I replaced it with.. and then I got back in my medical classes for the spring..yay.. I really hope I can meet some new cool people in that class. that'd be nice.. or in these two new classes I go into on monday.. hopefully I don't have anyone I hate in them either lol cause that'd be awkward and annoying.. I just wanted some blow off classes but I doubt it'll be that way.. I had the option for teen leadership, maybe I should have taken it? I guess it's too late now.. and I'll see how it goes. I'm kind of pushing everyone away in a sense.. I don't want to text anyone back but I end up doing it anyways.. I wish I could just ditch my phone and never have to talk to anybody every again but I know that in the end I would just get very very lonely and I mean I don't really know what there is to complain  about.. everything in my life is going so much better. a sweet boyfriend, awesome friends, car, job, money, everything but at the same time it's like fuck this is not what I want at all. maybe I'm so used to sadness that I can't accept the fact that I'm supposed to be happy now.. I don't know.. It's crazy looking back a year from now and seeing where I have come and what I have fallen back into and is still the same and blahhh. my boyfriend wanted to know who I really was.. but I don't even know who I really am.. I got all of my personality from the people I hang out with.. and I've changed so much because I was forced to that I'm not even sure who I really am deep down.. I'm a terrible person I know that.. selfish.. greedy.. bitchy.. snobby... whore.. fat... disgusting.. but nobody sees that.. because I'm too nice.. too skinny or whatever.. I don't know how I have such a good mask or if I will ever lose that mask. or if its even a mask at all? I could be an amazing person.. but I don't know.. something deep down tells me I'm not.. I've made the wrong choices several times and you cant ever go back and re-make those decisions.. because once its done its done... Time to go download music now I guess.. fuck... 

Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts,

So It's crazy how I can't have one day without stressing atleast once.. and today I have been stressing a LOT. I've been trying to force myself to paint and its making my paintings come out bad.. ugh! I need to slow down and get inspired first because thats when I paint the best.. I have trashed two paintings already and it's terrible.. I hate wasting money and time like that. But anyways, I still have a boyfriend.. but I'm starting to not be able to stand him.. I really really really like him don't get me wrong but I can't handle his depression.. I can't STAND him when he's depressed.. he's insecure and uncertain and it drives me insane.. I used to be like that and I know what it's like to reject all advice and love and push everyone away.. but why am I not enough to make him happy? Why am I not enough for him? Will I ever be enough for anyone? I like him.. but a guy from my work added my on facebook a few nights ago and we've been talking and he picked me up last night and we went hot tubbing till 12am.. it was the MOST relaxed I have been in a long time.. we just talked and talked and talked and watched lightning and his mom was so sweet but seemed so nervous around me haha.. he said its because he brings over a lot of girls (ew :/) but he started wanting to cuddle and kiss me by the end of it and I had to kind of turn him down.. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend... but I was NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend.. he doesn't deserve that and I need to learn to be dedicated and faithful to one person.. but yeah.. after he dropped me back home like all of this shit and weight just fell back onto my shoulder and i literally felt it in my entire being.. I was back to being stressed and returned back to life basically I guess? but it was nice to just have those hours to kind of be with a new person who wasn't depressed and had a nice life and a nice house and so now I begin to doubt my feelings for my boyfriend.. I mean.. I could have so much better.. I could have a guy who didn't have any problems.. who I had things in common.. who lives MUCH closer... I mean I don't know if he has any issues yet but still.. from what I've seen I don't believe that he has any but who knows, he could be great at hiding them.. I always attract the bad guys -.-.. and of course he said my voice was cute.. I don't know why every guy says that! ugh! frustrating haha my voice is way too girly for my own good. but yeah fuck I am so stressed out with school and all of this feeling and emotional shit.. I don't think I will ever fall in love again.. No guy seems right for me... I don't feel like I truly connect with anyone anymore.. School is hard to pay attention to with all this relationship stuff and work too honestly.. I have a 77 in english 3... terrible.. terrible.. terrible... I feel like my life is like waves.. going up and down and up and down and I'm getting sea sick.. On the bright side of everything though my weight loss is going fabulous and im at my lowest weight :) 154.5 today! hopefully can get to 145 by the end of this diet and then I seriously need to start working out and get some muscles -.- especially my arms and abs.. my legs arent that bad. but yeah thats all I have to say today I guess. I mean I have a million thoughts and could go on forever but future me does NOT want to have to read all of that. ;) 

Making Amends

Making Amends, 

I know it's been a while since I've been on here. A lot has changed since then honestly.. A lot of good and a lot of bad. But my ex and me made amends.. He is allowed to talk to me again and we talked for about a week and he was close to ending his engagement, because he hates her family but they ended up staying together.. and then me and him just kind of stopped talking.. not in bad terms I guess, just both have different lives and I'm so glad that I am coming to accept that and I don't feel so broken inside. I feel like I am healing those little cracks all across my glass mirror one by one and soon I won't look so damaged nor will I feel like it. School has started now.. I was so excited for medical classes.. and I rocked them for the few days that I was in them.. I met this amazing guy.. but about the fourth day into the class I began to doubt my abilities and just wanted to settle in a career that I felt like I was smart enough to do.. culinary.. well the day that I switched my schedule, I got this cute guys number ;) we had been kind of crushing on eachother but never really talked.. but I told him I was leaving the class and he jumped on it to get my phone number hah. Well I don't want to jump ahead of myself I guess but it was the worst mistake of my life to get out of my medical classes. I was perfectly happy in them and just made a quick one night choice and changed into a hospitality class that I hate.. I mean we visit a hotel 3 days a week and I get to work in the kitchen but I miss medical classes.. and that guy.. he's now my boyfriend as of today!!!! (:  Anyways.. trying not to jump ahead.. I keep looking back and regretting switching out of the class but I tried over and over again to talk to the counselor about switching me back in and she couldn't do it due to the policy.. bs, whatever. So I'm stuck in it until October 26th.. I can live.. Anyways.. I'm doing sucky in school... 79 in English.. I feel like a failure honestly.. but I'm trying.. I just suck at writing.. I will never be able to put my thoughts into words very well.. and I sure as hell can't write about crap I don't care about.. It feels like everything is falling together and apart at the same time.. Me and him dated for 5 weeks before we made it official today.. he makes me really really happy. and I'm so glad.. but I know my parents will never approve of him.. I wish they would but honestly I just want to be happy in this moment.. thats all that matters.. I wish he lived closer too.. a 35 minute drive makes things kind of complicated but I've seen him 3 weeks in a row now.. We hung out today and I drove him home.. and I was leaving his house when I hit my tires against the curb of the street I was on going 40 miles per hour.. and there was a gap in the concrete that slashed both of my left side tires.. so I got to stand in the freezing cold for an hour watching my dad fix it and getting pissed off.. Of course my parents were mad that I didn't tell them I was dropping him off but I didn't think they needed to know.. but yeah.. temporary tires and getting new ones tomorrow. OH. I got my first job.. at Domino's.. I love it a lot haha. but I haven't gotten a single pay check yet and I'm already in debt several hundreds of dollars... Forgot to mention I got a speeding ticket.. doing 35 in a 20 school zone.. happened last week sometime.. My court date is on November 1st.. Do you see what I mean about the good and the bad has happened? Yeah.. I feel so much more mature though.. I'm accepting all of this shit in my life and just going with it and trying to not let it bring me down.. It's a good feeling.. I kind of accept it as karma I guess for sneaking around and doing all the shit I've done.. Oh and there was lots of drama with my family a few weeks ago.. but thats a story for another time since this blog post is so freaking long.. Just had so much to say.. I really need to start writing more, it helps me see what I've accomplished and if I'm changing at all.. I'm pretty sure I am. now time to go apologize to an old friend..