Stressing Out

Stressing Out,

But I know that I will be.

bloggy blog blog time right after school. haha.. I don't really know what the fuck is going on with my life anymore right now honestly. I tried to break up with my boyfriend.. it didn't end up happening... I feel too guilty.. like I'm giving up on him if I end it? but I'm not happy.. aren't you supposed to leave when you aren't happy? I don't know what to do. I'm back in that phase of my life where every question I get asked is I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't knowwwwwww!!!! I'm not sure what I want or what I deserve or what I should have or any of that.. It's just too complicated and my words aren't even making sense anymore haha.. Is it weird that I have been contemplating suicide again? A plan to make it happen.. I don't really know why or when I started or what would happen if I failed.. nor have I told anyone.. except now.. to the SO MANY PEOPLE THAT READ MY BLOG.. kidding.. nobody reads this except me :) kinda.. sorta.. I honestly don't know what to write anymore. This week is exam week and I'm stressed but I finally dropped my hospitality class today, thank god. I'm going to miss the people in a way but I know that it was not what I wanted to do and I didn't want to stay in it from day one.. SAT/ACT prep and keyboarding class is what I replaced it with.. and then I got back in my medical classes for the spring..yay.. I really hope I can meet some new cool people in that class. that'd be nice.. or in these two new classes I go into on monday.. hopefully I don't have anyone I hate in them either lol cause that'd be awkward and annoying.. I just wanted some blow off classes but I doubt it'll be that way.. I had the option for teen leadership, maybe I should have taken it? I guess it's too late now.. and I'll see how it goes. I'm kind of pushing everyone away in a sense.. I don't want to text anyone back but I end up doing it anyways.. I wish I could just ditch my phone and never have to talk to anybody every again but I know that in the end I would just get very very lonely and I mean I don't really know what there is to complain  about.. everything in my life is going so much better. a sweet boyfriend, awesome friends, car, job, money, everything but at the same time it's like fuck this is not what I want at all. maybe I'm so used to sadness that I can't accept the fact that I'm supposed to be happy now.. I don't know.. It's crazy looking back a year from now and seeing where I have come and what I have fallen back into and is still the same and blahhh. my boyfriend wanted to know who I really was.. but I don't even know who I really am.. I got all of my personality from the people I hang out with.. and I've changed so much because I was forced to that I'm not even sure who I really am deep down.. I'm a terrible person I know that.. selfish.. greedy.. bitchy.. snobby... whore.. fat... disgusting.. but nobody sees that.. because I'm too nice.. too skinny or whatever.. I don't know how I have such a good mask or if I will ever lose that mask. or if its even a mask at all? I could be an amazing person.. but I don't know.. something deep down tells me I'm not.. I've made the wrong choices several times and you cant ever go back and re-make those decisions.. because once its done its done... Time to go download music now I guess.. fuck...