Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts,

So It's crazy how I can't have one day without stressing atleast once.. and today I have been stressing a LOT. I've been trying to force myself to paint and its making my paintings come out bad.. ugh! I need to slow down and get inspired first because thats when I paint the best.. I have trashed two paintings already and it's terrible.. I hate wasting money and time like that. But anyways, I still have a boyfriend.. but I'm starting to not be able to stand him.. I really really really like him don't get me wrong but I can't handle his depression.. I can't STAND him when he's depressed.. he's insecure and uncertain and it drives me insane.. I used to be like that and I know what it's like to reject all advice and love and push everyone away.. but why am I not enough to make him happy? Why am I not enough for him? Will I ever be enough for anyone? I like him.. but a guy from my work added my on facebook a few nights ago and we've been talking and he picked me up last night and we went hot tubbing till 12am.. it was the MOST relaxed I have been in a long time.. we just talked and talked and talked and watched lightning and his mom was so sweet but seemed so nervous around me haha.. he said its because he brings over a lot of girls (ew :/) but he started wanting to cuddle and kiss me by the end of it and I had to kind of turn him down.. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend... but I was NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend.. he doesn't deserve that and I need to learn to be dedicated and faithful to one person.. but yeah.. after he dropped me back home like all of this shit and weight just fell back onto my shoulder and i literally felt it in my entire being.. I was back to being stressed and returned back to life basically I guess? but it was nice to just have those hours to kind of be with a new person who wasn't depressed and had a nice life and a nice house and so now I begin to doubt my feelings for my boyfriend.. I mean.. I could have so much better.. I could have a guy who didn't have any problems.. who I had things in common.. who lives MUCH closer... I mean I don't know if he has any issues yet but still.. from what I've seen I don't believe that he has any but who knows, he could be great at hiding them.. I always attract the bad guys -.-.. and of course he said my voice was cute.. I don't know why every guy says that! ugh! frustrating haha my voice is way too girly for my own good. but yeah fuck I am so stressed out with school and all of this feeling and emotional shit.. I don't think I will ever fall in love again.. No guy seems right for me... I don't feel like I truly connect with anyone anymore.. School is hard to pay attention to with all this relationship stuff and work too honestly.. I have a 77 in english 3... terrible.. terrible.. terrible... I feel like my life is like waves.. going up and down and up and down and I'm getting sea sick.. On the bright side of everything though my weight loss is going fabulous and im at my lowest weight :) 154.5 today! hopefully can get to 145 by the end of this diet and then I seriously need to start working out and get some muscles -.- especially my arms and abs.. my legs arent that bad. but yeah thats all I have to say today I guess. I mean I have a million thoughts and could go on forever but future me does NOT want to have to read all of that. ;)