Considering Events

Considering Events,

This week.. has been, I don't know, maybe just full of ups and downs? Officially back to single.. the guilt was eating me alive and I couldn't stand to lead on two people but subconsciously pushing my own boyfriend away, he didn't deserve that.. but I know the break up hurt him.. but I think it would be worse if I kept lying to him because he knew I was pushing him away, I can't hide my feelings or emotions very well. I wish I could just tell him everything.. and tell him every lie I have made up to cover up my dark past.. but I can't.. I don't know if I will ever be 100% honest with another person again.. It's like you just kind of want to move on and never relive those moments again so why would you bring them back up to somebody new? Doesn't everybody just want to start fresh with a new person in their life? somebody who DOESN'T know your mistakes or even your accomplishments.. That's why I want to leave and get away so bad.. I just want to start over and I shouldn't have to talk about my past if I truly don't want to.. I know it matters because it's where my problems come from but do you need to know EVERYTHING...?! I feel gross if I go into details about my depression or cutting or sex or anything because it makes me just look worse and worse of a person.. I hate that I'm "experienced" or that I've had a rough past and still a rough present.. it just makes me look like a weak whore who doesn't know how to control herself.. but people change.. and I know that. But some days it's harder than others to just stay on the right track and keep going forward in my life. I know I have no reason to be depressed or upset or stressed or worried but that just kind of happens.. I never truly come to a relaxation point in my life.. it's very very rare.. I just contribute it to the PMDD and I guess maybe I will never be happy.. I did more research on it last night just as a refresher almost and I read that it actually gets WORSE with age.. Lucky me, right? Wrong.. If I can barely handle my mood swings as a teenager, I'm worried that they will only be magnified and if my boyfriend couldn't handle my mood swings, how would a husband be able to handle them if they are even worse? And here I am again worrying about trivial things. I don't even know if I will live past tomorrow, let alone next year.. why do I waste my time on the future? And more importantly why am I not thinking about colleges like I should be? or doing my midterm reviews like I should be? or being a part of my family and watching the tv show like I should be? I don't know.. I don't expect that I will ever do anything right in my mind.. I am too good at messing up. and I'm too used to being a failure that being a "good" person would be.. confusing?.. I'm not sure.. I am a bad person. I know it, and I wish people wouldn't try to argue against that.. a good person does NOT do the things that I have done or said or been through.. no.. I should be alone.. because nobody deserves this. nobody deserves a piece of trash who has been swept under the rug and in the dark for so long.. I crave attention and love and affection but I honestly don't deserve it. Not for the terrible person I've been all of my life. I wish I knew where I went wrong in my life.. if there had been a choice that if I made differently, EVERYTHING would have been different.. crazy to think about all the choices I've made and the consequences and joys that have came with each one? Things to think about for the weekend.. I need to really mediate and find a piece of calm in my life for once.