Only You

Only You,

Tonight.. has been sad. not sad in the sense that anything new happened just sad.. I can't shake off my feelings of being alone.. I've been talking to a new guy and he drove an hour and a half tonight to hang out with me and I blew him off.. stopped texting him, didn't answer his calls, anything.. and yes he is pissed but I can't help it.. how could I possibly tell him what I'm going through? I'm sad and lonely and depressed and ruined and broken and how could anyone ever possibly love me? How could I ever possibly love anybody else? I don't get that soul connection with anybody else.. and how do I know that the next person I date won't tear my heart to pieces again? I don't think I could handle that.. so I just give up. I surrender to being single because I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be loved, I don't want your time wasted on me because nobody else but him will be enough.. nobody will ever live up.. nobody can compete and I don't want to let anybody try.. I know he wasn't the perfect guy to me but you know what he damn well was everything that I wanted.. doesn't matter that we fought, that we said harsh words to eachother, at the end of the night we loved eachother and couldn't stand to fight or be mad at eachother for longer than a day. and I'm crying now but it's needed.. I'm so fucking alone. and I have been for a ENTIRE YEAR plus 4 days.. I know other people have been single for longer but I'm still heartbroken.. I feel as in love with him that I was the day he had to leave my birthday party early.. I still remember that moment perfectly.. I held him and cried and told him I didn't want him to go.. because maybe I knew it would be the last time.. I don't know.. but he just hugged me so tightly and told me that he didn't want to cry too but that he loved me so much and that we'd be together. and I kissed him so much.. and his mom asked him if he was ready and he just looked at me so sadly.. and kissed me one last time softly and went out the door and I just broke down and bawled my eyes out.. it was like watching the love of my life walk out of my life.. because thats exactly what it was.. He said he cried as he was leaving.. I believe him.. it was such a moving moment in my life.. life-changing.. and I knew the next time I saw him nothing would be the same.. and it wasn't. we were friends.. we didn't act like a couple at all. but I was so sad just glancing at him.. knowing that he used to be mine and that he should still be mine.. but I let him lay his head in my lap and just gently stroked his hair.. and it seriously meant the world to me.. I don't think it meant the same thing to him but it was.. so.. nice.. it felt like we were dating again.. and I know i've talked about this before.. but I can't help but relive it.. happier times are so much better to think about and cry about than to dwell on how sad I am now and how troubled I am and how alone I am.. I rather pretend that me and him will be together again than to know deep in my heart that he will never love me.. because honestly who wants to think about that? I really don't.. and I don't think I could handle dwelling on that for that long because that is the shove that would push me off the edge.. and OMG, just look at me now.. fucking ruining every and any relationship a guy tries to create with me because even though I'm lonely and alone.. I want to stay alone... I don't want a guy in my life trying to fill that void that I know can never be filled by anyone else.. and he'd ask me about my ex and try to compare himself to him and I'd have to nod and pretend that he is better but no.. deep in my heart my ex is the best at everything.. no kisses could be better, no sex could be better, no hugs could be better, no fights could be better, no phone calls could be better.. and nobody could hurt me better than he can. damnit. please come back to me. I love you so much it kills me.

Cracking Judgement

Cracking Judgement,

Yay. Random blog rant time like always, hey guys. haha. Uhm well I think it's typical to say that I haven't been having the time of my life or anything because that never happens. I've been just let down and let down and let down again over and over and over again I swear.. I'm so sick of people letting me down and just.. ugh. It's very disappointing. and I'm sick of my parents being SO judgemental.. A few things have happened, I don't know where to start. But I guess lets start with whatever I feel like. I miss my best friend like crazy, it makes me so sad but shes coming back soon I'm pretty sure.. I hate that she doesnt get to see her dad alot but I also hate that shes gone for so long because I mean.. it's like missing a piece of yourself.. I don't have that much fun with anyone else regardless of what we're doing. we can laugh about anything and i just miss that. haven't had that in a month.. maybe thats why my moods are so jacked and crappy and everything.. who knows. I'm just SO ready to not be so pissed off at everyone and everything as soon as I talk to anyone lol I'm just like so touchy and I'm getting pissed at every little thing and I know I'm doing it but I swear I can't help it and you know what I think everyone that knows me knows that my moods are like WOOOOHOOO PARTTYYY lets change frequently and give me headaches like mad. I swear I go from happy to crying to angry to severly depressed to laughing to angry and just omg its a rollercoaster all the time. I thought it would stop after I got my period but no it got worse and it came with the worst cramps of my life, that has NEVER happened before. eghhh. OKAY so moving on.. yesterday err i guess two days ago, me and my parents were out camping and having dinner and they started calling my ex a dyke and a homosexual and that I never knew what love was because I didn't have enough "Life experience" and that when I'm older I will look back on my feelings now and know that they weren't real.. like holy crap BULL to the shit. they don't know all the pain I have gone through and how dedicated I am to this boy. I think they think that I'm still a little bit sad,  I don't think they know the real extent because I don't show it to anyone except my closest friends.. so they could never possibly understand but back to the story, i got REALLY pissed because I love him and I'm going to always defend him and I said NO he was not a fucking lesbian homosexual whatever, and I went off on a huge rant (this is not a huge suprise) and told my parents that they seriously needed to get with the new age because they are so stuck up and judgemental and its fucking sad and makes me mad... they don't think that tattoos or piercings or being gay/lesbian is acceptable and these day in age and I'm like omg.. it's VERY VERY VERY normal and perfectly acceptable so you guys are going to have a lot of trouble in life from now on if thats how you feel and think.. and they were all blah blah you will see the wrong in it eventually.. and they kept just trying to tell me that they supported me going to college but that I wasn't right for the medical field and that I had never experienced death first hand and that it would change me.. yeah I've been on the verge of death I think I can handle it. But when we were done with dinner my mom got really upset when I told them that they needed to change their thinking and GUILT-TRIPPED me completely and told me that atleast she loved HER mom even if i didn't love mine. I was like yeah mom.. whatever.. get over yourself, you know I love about you and care about you, but I think you're dead fucking wrong in your views. I'm straight as a stick but there is nothing wrong with gay, bi, lez, straight, any of that... Very very sad that there are still people like that in this world. It makes me sad. I'm glad our generation is much more open-minded and accepting. Hopefully when the older generations die out we can thrive. I didn't know how much I typed already but dang look at that.. I'll stop here now but seriously.. no.. I hate people.. don't bullshit around with me like that and force your beliefs down my throat and cancel plans on me like most people do and blahhhhh. so ready to quit I swear. I keep living on strong though I guess. For him.. always for him <3 

Nobody Home

Nobody Home,

I don't know why I stay up at night and look at your photos, your statuses from when we were dating, everything... I'm only disappointed by them.. I wish we had more photos take together, I wish I had more memories of you, of our love, but I don't and I never will. I'm alone. I will be alone for a long time. And that's just how it is. I'm wishing to just get my act together and suck it up and accept being alone, I don't want to hang any guys.. thats just leading them on only to get their hopes crushed. I just want to sit in my room, alone.. because that's what I deserve... and everytime that I desperately need a hug, nobody is here to give it to me.. and I don't want to show weakness to anybody.. because everyone just assumes the worse, and assumes that they can fix it with a pep talk and a few hugs but that doesn't fix it.. it gets the stress off letting others know that I'm upset but it really doesn't change anything.. It never honestly will until I get to actually sit next to HIM and tell HIM my story. I'm such a bad person honestly I swear.. I became everything I said I would never become.. and now if anyone ever wants to be in a relationship I have to say "oh yeah I have a history of cheating and breaking hearts and becoming obsessive over my ex" yeah thats great, I bet the guys would just swarm over me mmm. But now this girl is hitting on me and I don't know why girls hit on me, I don't know why everyone tells me to just become lesbian, yeah that will fix so much.. and no, even if I did want to I couldn't.. I don't find girls attractive like that and will never be happy like that.. thats like someone telling me to become christian.. I've been atheist/agnostic for so long that it.. wouldn't feel right, It's not something I can truly believe in and feel comfortable with making the switch.. and being a christian is having solid faith and yeah I don't have that, there are too many gaps.. plus I'm too much of a fuck-up lol you know how many sins I would have to repent for or whatever? I just dunno... This is not how I wanted my life to go, you know? I've had it planned out for so long now and I swear everything just fucking goes completely the whole opposite way. I wanted children, I'm infertile. I wanted a long happy relationship, I'm single and brokenhearted after a year. I wanted a happy family who loves me, We all fight. I wanted friends who were always there for me, Nobody is there for me when I need it. I wanted to ace school, I barely get by. I wanted to be beautiful, I'm just as ugly as I ever was. Oh.. I read a comment somebody wrote on your page.. "so glad you got a pretty girlfriend now".. yeah thanks.. I'm ugly but fucking don't rub it in and don't compare me to her.. I'm nothing like her, maybe I'm worse or better I don't know but don't compare us.. I don't want to be compared to anyone actually because I fucking fail at everything.. I really hate this life. really really hate it. I don't know how everyone smiles so bright, maybe it's because they have a happy family, happy boyfriend, happy friends, I don't know. I wish I knew what that was like.. to be beautiful, in love and loved back, perfect family life, get everything I want, etc... It just.. blah. I know all I ever do is complain and I have it better than most but I can't find happiness. It really is just like.. not in my life at all. Yes I can smile but I can't keep that smile forever, it turns to tears sooner or later. I just love him so much, and maybe I'm delusional but him coming back to me would just make my life 10000000% better.. I would never complain about anything as long as he was my side.. 

Stuck Here

Stuck Here,

Well.. I'm tired and frustrated. I know it's time to move on, I can feel it in my heart.. It just takes forever to actually sink in that you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to see me, you don't want anything to do with me.. You've made that perfectly clear and I'm the idiot that just can't get it through her head.. I guess why it's so hard is that you are so wishy washy.. we hung out in march and we were perfect and had a good time with no problems and now all of sudden only 3 months later and you hate my guts? I didn't even do anything.. all I've been doing is busting my ass trying to be your friend.. and all you do is give me the cold shoulder and be a total asshole to me... why do I deserve that? I made a mistake and I admitted it and all you can do is trash me constantly for it even though it happened OVER A YEAR AGO!!!!!! You are quite the grudge holder I guess. I'm just absolutely so ready for someone great to walk into my life and carry me away from all this bullshit. I did meet someone new who I like, but haven't met in person.. and I don't know if we ever will since he's obviously not THAT interested if it hasn't happened by now.. we live like right down the street from eachother, literally. But yeah... My mom was talking about moving to Tennessee, and honestly I am ALL for it. I'm sick of my school that I don't fit in to at all, tired of this boring house that I can never decorate to my liking, tired of the same shit.. sitting around waiting for a guy that will never love me. Yeah it would be hard to move and have to be alone until i met new friends but it would just get me away from all of this.. I wouldn't have to sit around looking out my backyard, waiting for him to walk up to the fence and wave at me and let himself in like he used to.. because thats exactly what I did yesterday.. sat in the pool and waited.. knowing it was never going to happen but couldn't stop myself from waiting just because... I don't get it.. He admitted he still thinks of me sometimes, admitted that he still has feelings.. but not enough.. never will be enough.. I swear i'm having like a identity crisis, i'm so jumbled up inside and want to just sit and cry but can't find the energy to or atleast a good reason that I haven't cried about before, it's all the same.. but yeah.. moving.. I wish. but parents have jobs too.. and it's hard to just up and gather all your roots and move on... I guess maybe for college I will just apply all over the country and look at where accepts me.. I'm looking at California maybe, or somewhere cold.. No Idea. I guess I'm not afraid to go alone because I've been that way for a long time.. and this summer fucking sucks. I haven't hung out with ANYONE, I've been trapped at home.. stuck by the mercy of whoever feels like driving me somewhere.. yes I've had time to work on my art but when you're so sad inside, i think art is the last thing I really want to do.. I just want to call him so bad.. beg him to just come see me.. but I've resisted the urge.. I got so close to texting him just telling him I was done but you know I didn't send it, I don't want to bother him.. he needs to live his life away from me because thats what makes him happiest.. if he really wanted me back he would have been by my side a long time ago.. so it's basically over haha now lets just convince myself of this.. maybe some day.... OH! And not to mention that i freaking sat in the pool yesterday and stared at every flaw on my body and pointed them out and came to the conclusion that the only non-flawed place on my body is my collarbone and neck area, that's literally it.. everything else has stretchmarks, scars, too big, too wide, ugly, weird looking, etc.. yeah.. my self confidence = no existent... but that's not new.. it's just become more obvious now I guess. I feel as fat as I was before I started dieting and stuff... I know I'm not but I can't help but think I am.. I see how easy eating disorders are to fall in. bah... rant over for today I guess. 

Needing You

Needing You,

I need you to take my hand,
wish it all away
Take my pain and swallow it whole
tell me my sorrows
To make sure they never speak again
lock them away in a very far place
Kiss me so sweetly
like a sweet little bird
Promise me you will always stay
because you said you would
Look away from my wrongs
so you can only see the rights
Fear nothing from me
i'm really here to stay
Seek the answers
when i'm nothing but upset
Hold my hands
when there are no words to be spoken
Show me away from here
so far away until we get lost
Lead me like a blind child
for i will always follow you
Wipe away my tears from my face
as they slide down my cheeks
Whisper a melody
in my ears, so softly
Give my heart a break
because this is all illusion
Wish me away
all i do is disturb your peace
Never forget though
i was there for you.

Respect Boundaries

Respect Boundaries,

In tears, again.. but thats all I ever am usually when I talk to you.. I feel so useless and so obsessed and crazy and insane and pitiful and miserable and everything. You're visiting again soon and staying for a long time.. I texted you that you wanted to see me and you hadn't even had my number saved... and you told me to respect you and hers boundaries because seeing me was not good for their relationship.. and deep down I know all of this, I know that you shouldn't want to see me.. I know that i'm not worth seeing anyways. I just felt like trying, and I feel like just giving up because I'm tired of feeling so worthless, so broken and wasted and everything.. but as much as I want to.. I can't. Although the light of hope towards us getting back together is now for certain much dimmer.. I just can't push my fucking brain into being useful because my heart keeps screaming that everything hurts and that I still care.. How could I give up on him when he tried so hard and long to not give up on me? I just really can't stop crying. I want to get away and never look back, erase everything and never know what love is again and stay alone for the rest of my life.. that seems the easiest way. Seriously who ever invented dating or relationships?! can't we all just be born near our soul mate and be attracted to them instantly and never have to date or get heartbroken at all? Arghh or why can't there just be a magic potion or word or something to make the guy you're in love with in love with you back? Life is so confusing and I just am so ready to quit and get out and blahjaegihjaewtiojweiotjaewiogjoigjraiowgtjiogwoavwj. If only suicide were legal, I could just go to my doctor and tell him I was ready to go and they could inject a harmless shot into your arm and everything would just slowly fade to black and you'd never wake up again.. I think that would solve also a lot of unhappy peoples problems.. but could also let mass murderers get away and never suffer for their deeds but whatever... I just ugh. I can't type anymore, I'm too upset. Why can't you just love me? I've seriously done nothing but fucking worship the ground you walk on.. and all I NEED desperately NEED is for one serious sit down session to talk about all my feelings and let out all of this built up pain.. but you won't even give me that. Fuck. 

Give Reasons

Give Reasons,

Long time no blogging, but yeah. Things have changed, and its sad to say that nothing has gone the way I truly wanted it to. Yes I've talked to you, but now you don't even want to talk to me.. even when you are allowed to. You called me "extremely manipulative" because I'm supposedly "forcing" you to talk to me... All I do is text you and say hi every now and then, is that so much? Is it SO hard to just act like you can fucking accept me as a friend and carry a conversation with me and not have to bring up the past and how much I hurt you and how you'll never get over it and how I've hurt you 3x as much as blah blah blah. I think I've hurt myself plenty of times fucking over then I hurt you, you didn't have to live with this heart break for 11 months like I have, you've had time to get over it and you easily replaced me like I was nothing to you.. and maybe I never was I don't even know, all you ever say anymore is reasons why the whole relationship was fake.. like how you fell in love with me ONLY because I looked like your ex. I don't think you know how much that makes me feel like shit.. that if you would have never dated her, neither would I have dated you because my personality or individual looks weren't enough for you apparently... and I regret ever believing that you thought I was beautiful, that you ever loved me, you never did, you just lied and lied and lied to make me happy. I knew I wasn't beautiful like you said. You said even if i was 400 pounds you'd still love me and think of me as beautiful, yeah bullshit. I love you still but I'm pissed and angry and upset! I just want to talk to you and I've done NOTHING but care for you and try to be there for you as much as possible and all you do is shove me away and tell me why I'm not good enough for you and how we'll never be together. I feel so useless and sometimes suicide seems like such a damn good option again because why should I be here wasting time and space and money and life when I can't even function without my soul mate? I can't live without him and it just fucking drives me insane. I don't even know WHY I still have this feeling that the reason he doesn't want to see me is because he still likes me, it's obvious he doesn't but I don't even know him anymore, he's changed and now I barely see glances of the old him anymore. But when we did talk on the phone, we could still laugh about the small things and fill each other in on whats going on in life when we weren't talking about the painful past.. why did he accept the past until SHE found out we were talking? I don't know and it just drives me insane and makes me question and cry and everything. I get the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was texting you the other day, you make me feel like such a dissapointment to you and my life is a failure and everything. I really can't live this down can I? You say you forgive me but you won't forget.. You shouldn't be pissed if you forgive.. you should just accept, I can't go back in the fucking past and change anything.. you've healed from it or so you say... I don't know why I still expect you to talk to me though.. I probably wouldn't want to talk to me either if I was in your position but atleast you could give me a friendly hey whats up text every now and then so you aren't just flat out ignoring me.. You know I'm crazy about you and you wouldn't even give me the time of day if I asked. I don't know what the fuck is going on that I am so attached to you but I wish whatever super power magic whatever it is, to go away because you keep telling me it's never going to happen, we're never going to work out but why do i get this feeling that it is?! that this is just a huge long bump in the road of our relationship.. I don't knowwwwwwwww ahhhhhhhhh. I just want to like chain you down on the floor and make you sit and talk to me and tell me the reasons you've been hiding from me, I know you admit that you fell in love but.. I went back through 9,000 facebook messages and you said that you were IN love with me and that it would never change... Did I screw up that much to change that NEVER to irreversibly never in love again? We weren't even dating.. it shouldn't have been considered cheating because it wasn't. You had been seeing other girls, you wanted an open relationship, I don't understand this bullshit! Thats why I want to sit and talk to you. For as long as possible that you can give me. please. please. please. begging doesn't do anything for you.. does it?