Only You

Only You,

Tonight.. has been sad. not sad in the sense that anything new happened just sad.. I can't shake off my feelings of being alone.. I've been talking to a new guy and he drove an hour and a half tonight to hang out with me and I blew him off.. stopped texting him, didn't answer his calls, anything.. and yes he is pissed but I can't help it.. how could I possibly tell him what I'm going through? I'm sad and lonely and depressed and ruined and broken and how could anyone ever possibly love me? How could I ever possibly love anybody else? I don't get that soul connection with anybody else.. and how do I know that the next person I date won't tear my heart to pieces again? I don't think I could handle that.. so I just give up. I surrender to being single because I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be loved, I don't want your time wasted on me because nobody else but him will be enough.. nobody will ever live up.. nobody can compete and I don't want to let anybody try.. I know he wasn't the perfect guy to me but you know what he damn well was everything that I wanted.. doesn't matter that we fought, that we said harsh words to eachother, at the end of the night we loved eachother and couldn't stand to fight or be mad at eachother for longer than a day. and I'm crying now but it's needed.. I'm so fucking alone. and I have been for a ENTIRE YEAR plus 4 days.. I know other people have been single for longer but I'm still heartbroken.. I feel as in love with him that I was the day he had to leave my birthday party early.. I still remember that moment perfectly.. I held him and cried and told him I didn't want him to go.. because maybe I knew it would be the last time.. I don't know.. but he just hugged me so tightly and told me that he didn't want to cry too but that he loved me so much and that we'd be together. and I kissed him so much.. and his mom asked him if he was ready and he just looked at me so sadly.. and kissed me one last time softly and went out the door and I just broke down and bawled my eyes out.. it was like watching the love of my life walk out of my life.. because thats exactly what it was.. He said he cried as he was leaving.. I believe him.. it was such a moving moment in my life.. life-changing.. and I knew the next time I saw him nothing would be the same.. and it wasn't. we were friends.. we didn't act like a couple at all. but I was so sad just glancing at him.. knowing that he used to be mine and that he should still be mine.. but I let him lay his head in my lap and just gently stroked his hair.. and it seriously meant the world to me.. I don't think it meant the same thing to him but it was.. so.. nice.. it felt like we were dating again.. and I know i've talked about this before.. but I can't help but relive it.. happier times are so much better to think about and cry about than to dwell on how sad I am now and how troubled I am and how alone I am.. I rather pretend that me and him will be together again than to know deep in my heart that he will never love me.. because honestly who wants to think about that? I really don't.. and I don't think I could handle dwelling on that for that long because that is the shove that would push me off the edge.. and OMG, just look at me now.. fucking ruining every and any relationship a guy tries to create with me because even though I'm lonely and alone.. I want to stay alone... I don't want a guy in my life trying to fill that void that I know can never be filled by anyone else.. and he'd ask me about my ex and try to compare himself to him and I'd have to nod and pretend that he is better but no.. deep in my heart my ex is the best at everything.. no kisses could be better, no sex could be better, no hugs could be better, no fights could be better, no phone calls could be better.. and nobody could hurt me better than he can. damnit. please come back to me. I love you so much it kills me.