Just Sometimes

Just Sometimes,

It's one of those nights again.. yeah THOSE nights. Where you just want to stop living, stop breathing, disappear in the blink of an eye and you know that nobody would really notice. Where you just feel like you are right in the middle of the room but everybody's eyes just kind of go right through you as if you aren't even there.. You feel so useless and so broken and so hopeless that you continually wonder when this is ever going to get better. Has it gotten any better at all in the past year? It makes you question every single step of process that you believe you have made...It makes you think that you have just gone completely back to square one.. until you wake up in the morning I guess and then will it be all gone? Some days it is .. some days it lingers with me throughout the day. A storm cloud that just constantly drenches every single one of your thoughts with self doubt and pity and misery.. a rain cloud you can't escape from under... maybe you'll share a smile with a friend and you can dry yourself off for a few minutes but then maybe the slightest text or the drop of a pen will set you back off and the down pour comes back and you are drenched and freezing and shivering once again.. and you come home and nobody sees the sadness in your eyes. Everybody walks past you, gives you a side hug and says welcome home as you are just expected to go on with your life. Nobody sees the way your glance lingers on your own wrist, imaging the way that you could cut it or the way your eyes drift off into space, considering all the possibilities that you could simply end your life.. but I.. I think of the consequences too. I know what it's like to fail a suicide attempt and trust me I don't ever want to fail again.. and it would take some serious planning to not fail again... But when is ever the right time? Like honestly.. I make these plans.. I have them all into action, but then something great happens in your life or you're waiting for a movie.. or a text back or something and you're like jeez.. theres no good time to end your life.. I suppose it has to be a now or never moment right? Theres no exact plan I could ever just follow and go through with to a tee.. because I will always find a reason to stay alive, for another minute, another day, another week, another month. As much as I want to see myself graduate and be something in life I will never see it. I'm not saying that I KNOW I will kill myself..  I'm just saying that I know the clock is ticking, what does it want from me? what is it asking me to do? and when will it strike? I'm not sure if it's telling me that a mental break down is coming soon or if it's my death from some natural incident or something.. I have no idea. I need some answers... it's like that annoying ticking in the back of your mind.. tick.. tock.. tick.. tock.. telling you it's time to go, but you have no clue what you're being asked to do or go to.. Is it a form of god? I don't think so.. I think it's just myself being insane. some new form of psychotic behavior? lucky me. Hah. Just kidding. I don't know.. I should maybe write my suicide letter some day.. or would someone find my blog some day and show my parents? and they'll read it and probably understand so much and they'll fill in all the blanks that they've been missing all along.. or they won't understand my words at all and they'll be even more lost.. who knows..  

Considering Events

Considering Events,

This week.. has been, I don't know, maybe just full of ups and downs? Officially back to single.. the guilt was eating me alive and I couldn't stand to lead on two people but subconsciously pushing my own boyfriend away, he didn't deserve that.. but I know the break up hurt him.. but I think it would be worse if I kept lying to him because he knew I was pushing him away, I can't hide my feelings or emotions very well. I wish I could just tell him everything.. and tell him every lie I have made up to cover up my dark past.. but I can't.. I don't know if I will ever be 100% honest with another person again.. It's like you just kind of want to move on and never relive those moments again so why would you bring them back up to somebody new? Doesn't everybody just want to start fresh with a new person in their life? somebody who DOESN'T know your mistakes or even your accomplishments.. That's why I want to leave and get away so bad.. I just want to start over and I shouldn't have to talk about my past if I truly don't want to.. I know it matters because it's where my problems come from but do you need to know EVERYTHING...?! I feel gross if I go into details about my depression or cutting or sex or anything because it makes me just look worse and worse of a person.. I hate that I'm "experienced" or that I've had a rough past and still a rough present.. it just makes me look like a weak whore who doesn't know how to control herself.. but people change.. and I know that. But some days it's harder than others to just stay on the right track and keep going forward in my life. I know I have no reason to be depressed or upset or stressed or worried but that just kind of happens.. I never truly come to a relaxation point in my life.. it's very very rare.. I just contribute it to the PMDD and I guess maybe I will never be happy.. I did more research on it last night just as a refresher almost and I read that it actually gets WORSE with age.. Lucky me, right? Wrong.. If I can barely handle my mood swings as a teenager, I'm worried that they will only be magnified and if my boyfriend couldn't handle my mood swings, how would a husband be able to handle them if they are even worse? And here I am again worrying about trivial things. I don't even know if I will live past tomorrow, let alone next year.. why do I waste my time on the future? And more importantly why am I not thinking about colleges like I should be? or doing my midterm reviews like I should be? or being a part of my family and watching the tv show like I should be? I don't know.. I don't expect that I will ever do anything right in my mind.. I am too good at messing up. and I'm too used to being a failure that being a "good" person would be.. confusing?.. I'm not sure.. I am a bad person. I know it, and I wish people wouldn't try to argue against that.. a good person does NOT do the things that I have done or said or been through.. no.. I should be alone.. because nobody deserves this. nobody deserves a piece of trash who has been swept under the rug and in the dark for so long.. I crave attention and love and affection but I honestly don't deserve it. Not for the terrible person I've been all of my life. I wish I knew where I went wrong in my life.. if there had been a choice that if I made differently, EVERYTHING would have been different.. crazy to think about all the choices I've made and the consequences and joys that have came with each one? Things to think about for the weekend.. I need to really mediate and find a piece of calm in my life for once. 

Stressing Out

Stressing Out,

But I know that I will be.

bloggy blog blog time right after school. haha.. I don't really know what the fuck is going on with my life anymore right now honestly. I tried to break up with my boyfriend.. it didn't end up happening... I feel too guilty.. like I'm giving up on him if I end it? but I'm not happy.. aren't you supposed to leave when you aren't happy? I don't know what to do. I'm back in that phase of my life where every question I get asked is I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't knowwwwwww!!!! I'm not sure what I want or what I deserve or what I should have or any of that.. It's just too complicated and my words aren't even making sense anymore haha.. Is it weird that I have been contemplating suicide again? A plan to make it happen.. I don't really know why or when I started or what would happen if I failed.. nor have I told anyone.. except now.. to the SO MANY PEOPLE THAT READ MY BLOG.. kidding.. nobody reads this except me :) kinda.. sorta.. I honestly don't know what to write anymore. This week is exam week and I'm stressed but I finally dropped my hospitality class today, thank god. I'm going to miss the people in a way but I know that it was not what I wanted to do and I didn't want to stay in it from day one.. SAT/ACT prep and keyboarding class is what I replaced it with.. and then I got back in my medical classes for the spring..yay.. I really hope I can meet some new cool people in that class. that'd be nice.. or in these two new classes I go into on monday.. hopefully I don't have anyone I hate in them either lol cause that'd be awkward and annoying.. I just wanted some blow off classes but I doubt it'll be that way.. I had the option for teen leadership, maybe I should have taken it? I guess it's too late now.. and I'll see how it goes. I'm kind of pushing everyone away in a sense.. I don't want to text anyone back but I end up doing it anyways.. I wish I could just ditch my phone and never have to talk to anybody every again but I know that in the end I would just get very very lonely and I mean I don't really know what there is to complain  about.. everything in my life is going so much better. a sweet boyfriend, awesome friends, car, job, money, everything but at the same time it's like fuck this is not what I want at all. maybe I'm so used to sadness that I can't accept the fact that I'm supposed to be happy now.. I don't know.. It's crazy looking back a year from now and seeing where I have come and what I have fallen back into and is still the same and blahhh. my boyfriend wanted to know who I really was.. but I don't even know who I really am.. I got all of my personality from the people I hang out with.. and I've changed so much because I was forced to that I'm not even sure who I really am deep down.. I'm a terrible person I know that.. selfish.. greedy.. bitchy.. snobby... whore.. fat... disgusting.. but nobody sees that.. because I'm too nice.. too skinny or whatever.. I don't know how I have such a good mask or if I will ever lose that mask. or if its even a mask at all? I could be an amazing person.. but I don't know.. something deep down tells me I'm not.. I've made the wrong choices several times and you cant ever go back and re-make those decisions.. because once its done its done... Time to go download music now I guess.. fuck... 

Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts,

So It's crazy how I can't have one day without stressing atleast once.. and today I have been stressing a LOT. I've been trying to force myself to paint and its making my paintings come out bad.. ugh! I need to slow down and get inspired first because thats when I paint the best.. I have trashed two paintings already and it's terrible.. I hate wasting money and time like that. But anyways, I still have a boyfriend.. but I'm starting to not be able to stand him.. I really really really like him don't get me wrong but I can't handle his depression.. I can't STAND him when he's depressed.. he's insecure and uncertain and it drives me insane.. I used to be like that and I know what it's like to reject all advice and love and push everyone away.. but why am I not enough to make him happy? Why am I not enough for him? Will I ever be enough for anyone? I like him.. but a guy from my work added my on facebook a few nights ago and we've been talking and he picked me up last night and we went hot tubbing till 12am.. it was the MOST relaxed I have been in a long time.. we just talked and talked and talked and watched lightning and his mom was so sweet but seemed so nervous around me haha.. he said its because he brings over a lot of girls (ew :/) but he started wanting to cuddle and kiss me by the end of it and I had to kind of turn him down.. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend... but I was NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend.. he doesn't deserve that and I need to learn to be dedicated and faithful to one person.. but yeah.. after he dropped me back home like all of this shit and weight just fell back onto my shoulder and i literally felt it in my entire being.. I was back to being stressed and returned back to life basically I guess? but it was nice to just have those hours to kind of be with a new person who wasn't depressed and had a nice life and a nice house and so now I begin to doubt my feelings for my boyfriend.. I mean.. I could have so much better.. I could have a guy who didn't have any problems.. who I had things in common.. who lives MUCH closer... I mean I don't know if he has any issues yet but still.. from what I've seen I don't believe that he has any but who knows, he could be great at hiding them.. I always attract the bad guys -.-.. and of course he said my voice was cute.. I don't know why every guy says that! ugh! frustrating haha my voice is way too girly for my own good. but yeah fuck I am so stressed out with school and all of this feeling and emotional shit.. I don't think I will ever fall in love again.. No guy seems right for me... I don't feel like I truly connect with anyone anymore.. School is hard to pay attention to with all this relationship stuff and work too honestly.. I have a 77 in english 3... terrible.. terrible.. terrible... I feel like my life is like waves.. going up and down and up and down and I'm getting sea sick.. On the bright side of everything though my weight loss is going fabulous and im at my lowest weight :) 154.5 today! hopefully can get to 145 by the end of this diet and then I seriously need to start working out and get some muscles -.- especially my arms and abs.. my legs arent that bad. but yeah thats all I have to say today I guess. I mean I have a million thoughts and could go on forever but future me does NOT want to have to read all of that. ;) 

Making Amends

Making Amends, 

I know it's been a while since I've been on here. A lot has changed since then honestly.. A lot of good and a lot of bad. But my ex and me made amends.. He is allowed to talk to me again and we talked for about a week and he was close to ending his engagement, because he hates her family but they ended up staying together.. and then me and him just kind of stopped talking.. not in bad terms I guess, just both have different lives and I'm so glad that I am coming to accept that and I don't feel so broken inside. I feel like I am healing those little cracks all across my glass mirror one by one and soon I won't look so damaged nor will I feel like it. School has started now.. I was so excited for medical classes.. and I rocked them for the few days that I was in them.. I met this amazing guy.. but about the fourth day into the class I began to doubt my abilities and just wanted to settle in a career that I felt like I was smart enough to do.. culinary.. well the day that I switched my schedule, I got this cute guys number ;) we had been kind of crushing on eachother but never really talked.. but I told him I was leaving the class and he jumped on it to get my phone number hah. Well I don't want to jump ahead of myself I guess but it was the worst mistake of my life to get out of my medical classes. I was perfectly happy in them and just made a quick one night choice and changed into a hospitality class that I hate.. I mean we visit a hotel 3 days a week and I get to work in the kitchen but I miss medical classes.. and that guy.. he's now my boyfriend as of today!!!! (:  Anyways.. trying not to jump ahead.. I keep looking back and regretting switching out of the class but I tried over and over again to talk to the counselor about switching me back in and she couldn't do it due to the policy.. bs, whatever. So I'm stuck in it until October 26th.. I can live.. Anyways.. I'm doing sucky in school... 79 in English.. I feel like a failure honestly.. but I'm trying.. I just suck at writing.. I will never be able to put my thoughts into words very well.. and I sure as hell can't write about crap I don't care about.. It feels like everything is falling together and apart at the same time.. Me and him dated for 5 weeks before we made it official today.. he makes me really really happy. and I'm so glad.. but I know my parents will never approve of him.. I wish they would but honestly I just want to be happy in this moment.. thats all that matters.. I wish he lived closer too.. a 35 minute drive makes things kind of complicated but I've seen him 3 weeks in a row now.. We hung out today and I drove him home.. and I was leaving his house when I hit my tires against the curb of the street I was on going 40 miles per hour.. and there was a gap in the concrete that slashed both of my left side tires.. so I got to stand in the freezing cold for an hour watching my dad fix it and getting pissed off.. Of course my parents were mad that I didn't tell them I was dropping him off but I didn't think they needed to know.. but yeah.. temporary tires and getting new ones tomorrow. OH. I got my first job.. at Domino's.. I love it a lot haha. but I haven't gotten a single pay check yet and I'm already in debt several hundreds of dollars... Forgot to mention I got a speeding ticket.. doing 35 in a 20 school zone.. happened last week sometime.. My court date is on November 1st.. Do you see what I mean about the good and the bad has happened? Yeah.. I feel so much more mature though.. I'm accepting all of this shit in my life and just going with it and trying to not let it bring me down.. It's a good feeling.. I kind of accept it as karma I guess for sneaking around and doing all the shit I've done.. Oh and there was lots of drama with my family a few weeks ago.. but thats a story for another time since this blog post is so freaking long.. Just had so much to say.. I really need to start writing more, it helps me see what I've accomplished and if I'm changing at all.. I'm pretty sure I am. now time to go apologize to an old friend..