Nobody Home,
I don't know why I stay up at night and look at your photos, your statuses from when we were dating, everything... I'm only disappointed by them.. I wish we had more photos take together, I wish I had more memories of you, of our love, but I don't and I never will. I'm alone. I will be alone for a long time. And that's just how it is. I'm wishing to just get my act together and suck it up and accept being alone, I don't want to hang any guys.. thats just leading them on only to get their hopes crushed. I just want to sit in my room, alone.. because that's what I deserve... and everytime that I desperately need a hug, nobody is here to give it to me.. and I don't want to show weakness to anybody.. because everyone just assumes the worse, and assumes that they can fix it with a pep talk and a few hugs but that doesn't fix it.. it gets the stress off letting others know that I'm upset but it really doesn't change anything.. It never honestly will until I get to actually sit next to HIM and tell HIM my story. I'm such a bad person honestly I swear.. I became everything I said I would never become.. and now if anyone ever wants to be in a relationship I have to say "oh yeah I have a history of cheating and breaking hearts and becoming obsessive over my ex" yeah thats great, I bet the guys would just swarm over me mmm. But now this girl is hitting on me and I don't know why girls hit on me, I don't know why everyone tells me to just become lesbian, yeah that will fix so much.. and no, even if I did want to I couldn't.. I don't find girls attractive like that and will never be happy like that.. thats like someone telling me to become christian.. I've been atheist/agnostic for so long that it.. wouldn't feel right, It's not something I can truly believe in and feel comfortable with making the switch.. and being a christian is having solid faith and yeah I don't have that, there are too many gaps.. plus I'm too much of a fuck-up lol you know how many sins I would have to repent for or whatever? I just dunno... This is not how I wanted my life to go, you know? I've had it planned out for so long now and I swear everything just fucking goes completely the whole opposite way. I wanted children, I'm infertile. I wanted a long happy relationship, I'm single and brokenhearted after a year. I wanted a happy family who loves me, We all fight. I wanted friends who were always there for me, Nobody is there for me when I need it. I wanted to ace school, I barely get by. I wanted to be beautiful, I'm just as ugly as I ever was. Oh.. I read a comment somebody wrote on your page.. "so glad you got a pretty girlfriend now".. yeah thanks.. I'm ugly but fucking don't rub it in and don't compare me to her.. I'm nothing like her, maybe I'm worse or better I don't know but don't compare us.. I don't want to be compared to anyone actually because I fucking fail at everything.. I really hate this life. really really hate it. I don't know how everyone smiles so bright, maybe it's because they have a happy family, happy boyfriend, happy friends, I don't know. I wish I knew what that was like.. to be beautiful, in love and loved back, perfect family life, get everything I want, etc... It just.. blah. I know all I ever do is complain and I have it better than most but I can't find happiness. It really is just like.. not in my life at all. Yes I can smile but I can't keep that smile forever, it turns to tears sooner or later. I just love him so much, and maybe I'm delusional but him coming back to me would just make my life 10000000% better.. I would never complain about anything as long as he was my side..