Lost Again

Lost Again, 

So another day of writing woop. I've been so freaking miserable for the past week, just in and out of mood swings and being all bitchy with Wil.. I feel so bad for just acting that way and pushing him away.. but he has been pretty understanding of whats going on and knows that I don't mean to be mean and that I will be fine eventually. Well of course with my period, brings the calm of the storm because the mood swings finally stop. Everything was perfect on Saturday and then last night was just hell... one of the worst nights for me and it wasn't even because of a mood swing. But I ruined two relationships with my guy friends last night and maybe I shouldn't be so upset but I kind of am. I always try to prove to myself that I can stay friends with guys and not try to go past that in any way.. But anyways, Yeah.. I was talking to Frank last night and somehow we got into a fight, it all started because he asked me why I even dated Wil.. I told him that I didn't need someone who was perfect, I needed someone that could love me with all of my flaws and see the dark side of me and still want to be with me.. I know Wil isn't perfect, and I don't care because he's mine and I accept him and all of his faults. Frank got pissed I guess though, said that it was funny because he always did that for me and that he was just tired of being unappreciated and used by me.. I was like well first off, I never used you, You told me you were going to move on past me and talk to other girls and then you go and flirt with my best friend who I love dearly.. I mean I know you are a guy and you like to mess around but the second you tell me that you love me, and yet I read your messages to my best friend saying that you would love to date her, etc. We have come to a problem.. So he started bashing me and saying that Wil wanted him to hang out with me so that he could have a break from me and that from his standpoint I was just clingy and needy.. clingy and needy.. those words, they stuck in my mind as I took a blade to my leg.. over 100 times, the worst I've ever done.. I don't know why I let myself do that over his words.. but the fact that he knew me well enough, and judged me in a critical way and just wanted nothing to do with me anymore.. I don't know, it hurt.. It hurt in a way that it made me want to hurt myself physically so that the pain wasn't just mental. And where was Wil in all of this? He got grounded for a week.. I just don't know anymore. I really need him here for me and he is just always lacking.. I mean I know it's not his fault, I can't blame him. but I can't help myself but just push away.. push away and reject everything hes offering me. A second chance to have a happy and long relationship? No thanks.. knowing me I would just mess it up like the first time and I know that sometimes people deserve second chances and I begged and begged for my second chance with the love of my life, and I never got it.. so why should I give it to myself with another person this time around? I must really enjoy being unhappy.. but I don't know how to go about life anymore.. It feels like a circle that I'm cursed to walk around and around, I need a hand to drag me out of the routine that I seem to be stuck in. I don't know how I can get that hand or if it was offered to me if I would even accept it. I am really messed up. So messed up that sometimes I even scare myself. I don't know how I truly just let my habits and my thoughts consume my mind and personality and life. I don't know when I finally just started choosing to put on a mask instead of actually feel genuine happiness. I don't know when I decided that I could not love anymore.. and I don't know how I will ever get back to who I used to be... Where did I go? Where did that young girl go? Why did she turn into a cutter? Why did she attempt suicide so many times? What made her want to die so badly.. Why did she let them all get to her? Why did she destroy herself to become somebody that she wasn't? Why did she change to make a guy happy who could care less about her? Why didn't she get over the break up like everyone else told her to? Why was she so stubborn that she refused to see that he didn't love her anymore.. Why did she let him tear her apart with every word he said? Why did she cry to him on the phone and let him know how much he hurt her? And why was his reaction nothing more than a pitiful, I'm sorry but we will never be together again.. You just hurt me too much to ever be with you.. And why does everybody get to be happy and in love? Why does the concept of love seem so difficult for me to grasp? What is it that I'm afraid of? 

Captured Feelings

Captured Feelings,

       Yay.. another blog, another day, another breath, another... another.. something.. but still nothing. I got my tongue pierced a few days ago, it was time for a change in my life.. I really like it but has been causing some pain.. Everything has been okay.. but I'm really missing people from my past all of this week (spring break), not sure why really.. just nostalgic and i wish that things hadn't had changed so quickly because I realize I was a lot happier back then than I am now.. Of course my ex is in town again.. Friday through Sunday.. and everytime he comes here it just makes me anxious thinking that I could possibly see him hanging out somewhere and I still wouldn't be allowed to wave to him or say hi or anything and that is just.. the most depressing thing.. Everyone tells me I should just text him and ask him to hang out with me.. well thats easier said than done.. I rather not say anything at all than to face rejection when he tells me that he'll ask his girlfriend and comes back a few hours later (or minutes dunno) and says that she told him no.. Like I honestly rather just not say anything at all than to face that heart break everytime.. and it really makes it hard to move on to someone else and tell someone else I love them if I'm still in love with him.. cause as much as I scream to myself that I am not in love with him anymore, I know that I am.. and I know that I always will be because in all honesty he took a part of me that I dont think I can ever get back and I think that anyone who has been in love and has lost that love can understand what I'm going through... I feel like I entered that relationship a whole person and I left it a lot less than half of a person.. and I just don't know how to be whole again.. I healed myself from most of the damage that he caused but it still hurts when I see how happy he is with someone new and how unhappy I am with everyone I try to date.. I just want to be happy with a guy again.. I know I can say yeah I'm happy, Yeah I miss you, Yeah i really care about you.. but secretly I'm saying that theres never going to be another him though.. not in this lifetime.. I don't want to fall in love again, I don't even think I possibly can right now.. I don't really know if I believe that you can love two people at the same time.. because love.. love demands to be felt and its hard to ignore and it's hard to replace with another love and you can cheat on them and be with someone else but when you lay your head down to rest at night.. your mind just wanders back to them and how you really messed things up.... and how desperately you would do anything to get them back but you know in all honestly that they don't want you, and that they would be unhappy with you.. So how do you chase your dreams when your dreams don't want you to chase them? Do you just.. let them go because you know it's better for them? Because then you'd be losing all of your hope of the future.. and I know I sound crazy and I know I'm too young to feel this way about a guy and blah blah blah.. but I felt like I met my soulmate, we connected in everyway and how do you just pull yourself away from that feeling? How do you.. leave that? How do you walk away from that..? Could you ever even possibly imagine that pain..? I hear a lot of stories about people who get married and are unhappy because they had been in love before and you never really have a more truer, real, passionate love than the very first one and I feel like if I can't get him back, I will never experience that love again.. or I won't ever let myself experience that love again.. the same thing I feel like.. Our mind is really a damn prison isn't it? It really just traps us and encircles us with feelings that we don't want to feel anymore.. Doesn't let us move on when we desperately want to.. I couldn't tell you if this was the PMDD that is doing this to me or if it's just my silly teenage girl self.. I really wish I had some answers but I don't think anyone I asked would be able to answer me correctly.. I mean I would talk about my ex and mention all the fights we had and people scream that it wasn't healthy.. but you know what.. with all of those fights, we still came back together at the end of the day and still loved eachother and I feel like thats all the mattered.. doesn't matter how many feelings and tears that were shed or felt.. As long as we were in love at the end of it all.. Because if you have someone to hold in your arms and love and be loved at the end of the day, thats all I really need..

Rewinding Ties

Rewinding Ties,

So now honestly it's been a very very long time since I have written anything. Alex and I broke up on our two month, in January.. About 3 weeks later, Wil asked me out.. we met through work and the instant I saw him I knew that he was too good for me.. but we hit it off instantly when we worked together and talked and I got his phone number and then we hung out for the first time and he asked me out, so we've been together since January 29th :) We just celebrated our one month on March 1st! We are doing really well but he has been grounded since February 12th, doesn't get off until March 12th so we have been struggling with that. He makes me happy but I have been feeling the PMDD pretty harshly with him.. I'm trying to hold on with all of my might and not let go of him. I started feeling no affection towards him at all, wanted to end it and just escape away from him. Now i'm feeling better, I really hate this disorder. Everyone talks about how it's going to get worse as I age.. well if it's pretty damn bad right now that I can barely resist taking a knife to my wrist.. what am I going to do when it get's worse? I'm worried.. Anyways. So After the break up, Alex got really really depressed, went suicidal, refused to talk to me because I hurt him so much.. He started cutting, I blame myself for that. It's always my fault. But as of right now he told his mom about the cutting and is getting into therapy and depression medicine, and we are finally talking and trying to maintain friends (without hanging out).. I'm not sure if he will stay stable because he still likes me but it's a step from where he WAS right after the break up. Me and Cameron (The ex before Alex) started talking again, he randomly messaged me on facebook giving me his phone # and I foolishly texted him, since I had been wanting to talk to him forever and he claimed it was a friend that sent out messages to everyone but honestly I think it was him.. He is doing a lot better, he told me how upset he was after our break up and really really just made me feel so guilty for leaving him.. He just constantly felt like he wasn't good enough, but all of my break-ups have been because of the PMDD.. it's not that I don't care.. it's just that I can't logically reason my real feelings out of my PMDD feelings/thoughts and it just gets really hard... anyways.. He has a girlfriend now, he's happy with her so he claims but he's still crazy about me and he was one of the good guys in my life and so I still like him too but honestly me and him, we would never work out again and I keep that thought in the back of my head..There are just too many things that can never be sorted out.. distance was one of them, a 40 minute drive and a quarter tank of gas everytime, yeah.. it really hits the wallet. But yeah.. me and him are trying to maintain a friendship somewhat, we are on and off again talking .. why? I have no idea..  He stopped talking to me after I hit a relapse with my cutting and told him about it, he didn't want to talk to me if I wasn't happy. I understood that.. nobody wants to talk to a depressed person, nobody wants to talk to me when I am in a bad mood, mostly because that's when I can hurt your feelings the most and do the most damage... to your feelings or my body. Thats when I just need to be locked away, lose all communication until I can get over the waves of mood swings.. I wish I could do that.. but people would worry.. and they would never understand that it's for the best. Anyways. I need to start writing more, I just always feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I should write a lot and explain everything but in all honestly even if I wrote a little bit, I would end up writing more than I expected to and I'm just trying to track progress and thoughts and stuff, nothing really else! This isn't math! It's just a diary but I tend to make it so complicated. I'm starting dieting again.. time to get down to 130 or 120 or something..

Healing Steps

Healing Steps,

So Happy new years, and merry Christmas blah I haven't posted in a while but I seriously say that every time. Everything has been pretty good lately, kinda up and down of course. oh! Since the last time I posted I got my birth control implant in my arm, it's supposed to control the mood swings and hopefully keep the depression away.. I'm just hoping it really really will work for me.. no changes so far and its been a few weeks.. Still mood swing as hard and quickly as before.. It really sucks. and I've been like obsessing over Alex, I'm not sure how he has not just like ran away yet.. haaha. he's been gone for a week at his friends house in another state, hes finally coming back tomorrow and I have missed him like crazy.. hormones I think or I actually care for him.. whichever one. My ex visited for the holidays of course.. I was working when his dad ordered pizza from my job and came through the drive thru and I made sure I was not the one to get it, I did not want to experience that awkwardness.. I mean I know I have changed but his parents haven't spoken to me in like over a year so they barely know me at all anymore.. they still just believe im that depressed little cutter manipulative bitch of a girlfriend I used to be.. that I'm still not a healthy person to be around etc etc.. I really regret that I could not fix myself in time. Thats what happens when PMDD goes undiagnosed for so long I guess though.. but I waited several years to even try to do something about fixing it.. I don't know.. this implant cuts off all fertility (not that I had any to begin with) and periods and whatnot for 3 years.. hopefully it will be the cure that I am looking for.. or it will do nothing for me and i'll have to have it taken out.. woo.. that would be just my luck wouldn't it? I just want everything to keep going good. My relationship is stable and doing well.. I'm back to talking with my best friends.. and school is starting soon and I'm going back into medical classes and will have a class with my best friend and hopefully everything will start to look up and be bright.. but just when I say that something terrible will happen.. Oh. My brother is moving out on tuesday, going to college down south.. I'm going to miss him like crazy because he will probably never visit but I'm glad hes making something of his life and pursing a career. I hope our family tensions wont rise or anything like they did last time he moved out.. I don't know. I'm just worried but everything is calm right now and for that I am very very very thankful. Like no.. today I feel beautiful. but I still feel really fat too -.- it's so confusing. but I'm re-starting my diet soon again and hopefully can get down to 130 or something.. I just want to be thin. I need to be thin. I really want to start working out this year, but It's just hard to find the motivation I guess. Maybe just work on maintaining a healthy relationship.. that sounds like a good new years resolution. Alex is great.. honestly. we connect in every way and I hope that never changes. But seriously I know when he graduates everything will start being strained but I hope we can just keep it going.. or if me and him end eventually, I hope that I can get over the pain quickly and jump back into the pain like I failed to do after my ex. I guess thats what you have to do in times of heartbreak, just start replacing the memories of a old love with a new love... He did that and I did not. but it's time I start and it'll get better in time.. I know it will.. this ache will go away eventually or I just won't notice it anymore.. and I can't wait until that day.. where I can hear his name without feeling pangs of sadness.. that I will not forever associate places, songs, etc with him.. And no I'm not going to text him anymore.. If he ever wants to talk to me, he will text me first. I am not going to give him the satisfaction of torturing me anymore. I deserve better.. at least I hope I deserve better.. someone just tell me I'm doing the right thing.. or that I'm trying my hardest.. cause I am.. but it just never feels like I'm doing anything right. Moving on is hard. But Alex is my new step forward... right? 

Fall Through

Fall Through,

So.. I suppose things have changed, maybe just in the slightest way.. but not enough to completely change my way of thinking. I'm still with Alex.. and I (looking back on my last post) know that I have fallen for him in even just the slightest way, I finally smile when I look into his eyes and I feel comfortable with him and I told him my bad past, and he accepted me completely. He never let go of my hand while I told him and he just gave me a serious look and told me that it wasn't going to make him leave me, just that he worried for me and my safety and everything.. I still haven't gone into detail with him about cutting and the suicide attempts though, I know that he will need to know eventually but I just think it's too much and I don't want him to know that I am just THAT broken.. I know he can tell that I'm broken but to what extent? I'm not sure he knows yet. Some days I keep telling myself that me and him can last, that for once we can stay together for a long time but other days I tell myself that we couldn't possibly last.. I just don't think he will understand if he tells me that he loves me and I can't say it back. I don't love him, not yet anyways.. I'm not sure if I ever will but I know that right now he makes me happy. I do know that we have nothing in common though, and that will soon become a problem and a factor.. I mean I can make him laugh a lot, but we don't really have anything else to talk about.. just simple jokes and silence most of the time.. I'm not sure what to do.. and I keep having mood swings, they haven't stopped and I find myself closer and closer to suicide and it gets a little bit harder each time to tell myself to keep going on, to keep surviving, that it's all for a reason. I don't feel smart enough to have a future.. I don't even feel like I will be able to pass high school and graduate.. I feel like a true failure.. not a COMPLETE failure because I met my first true drug addict last weekend and that was the saddest thing I've ever seen.. but I feel like I have failed myself, and others as well.. I could have been so much better than this. I could have made something of my life, but I just.. didn't.. I didn't strive like I should have.. and it's honestly just too late to go back and try to fix any of this.. It's all so broken and mangled and I don't think I will ever go back to a even close form of "normal".. what doesn't kill you, fucks you up permanently.. so true. We're getting closer and closer to the holidays.. I've spent a lot of my money already on presents and it bugs me like crazy.. I constantly stress and can't decide if what I've bought for my friends is something they're going to appreciate, etc.. I think I'm panicking mostly because of what I bought Alex for christmas.. I just don't think he will appreciate the thought behind it or what else to add to it.. and thats why I rather just break up with him and keep it myself to save from judgement than to stay together.. but that's a dumb reason to break up.. and I just don't know what to do.. do I ever know what to do? I feel so alone without him next to me.. but I know that he can't be next to me all the time and I just.. I don't know.. he makes me feel attractive and beautiful until I look at myself in the mirror when he's gone and I see every single flaw come back at me and I just feel fat and ugly and broken and a mistake again.. The high of being with him just doesn't last.. I wish it did.. I really really really wish it did... I've done so well already to stay faithful and everything but I just feel like I fail him enough by just hating myself so much, and I know that he knows I have low self-esteem or something but I think he thinks I am joking.. that I'm not seriously that depressed.. but news flash baby.. I am.. I'm sorry... but you can't fix me.. and I don't want your help to fix me.. because I don't deserve to be fixed. and I never will. I figure I'll probably just go sit near train tracks or something.. on December 16th, or maybe on a bridge. or just something, i don't know.. it's just such a big date that I guarantee my ex will probably never even fucking remember.. He forgot about me a long time ago.. forgot everything he ever felt for me.. He replaced it all.. Why can I not replace my feelings? Everyone can replace me.. but I can't replace them.. Does that make me a bad person? I think I care too much.. and that's just how I get hurt.

I realize

I realize,

So of course, still dating Alex. I saw him last night and it was the first time we hung out alone with eachother.. yeah it was okay, we had fun, we laid on my bed and talked and laughed and talked about our past relationships and everything, but I still don't feel that connection that I'm looking for. The one that I've only had with my ex, and it can't seem to be found in anyone else. I took off of work tonight to hang out with Alex and Ashley and her boyfriend, like a double date. Hopefully it'll go well.. I guess I'm kind of feeling the same way again.. why stay with someone when I know it's not going to work out in the end? I don't think me and Alex will have a future.. he's not really what I want in a guy I guess.. Or am I just saying/thinking that so that I will never find anyone whos right? Am I just trying to protect myself? Probably.. but I can't tell if these feelings are real.. I mean yes I know he's a nice guy, he's really good for me.. he doesn't touch drugs, doesn't drink, isn't all into sex, smart, etc.. But I mean.. that's GREAT but.. that's not.. what.. I want... in a guy.. I want someone who is romantic and passionate, playful and flirty and silly, can make me laugh a million times and make me smile and have butterflies in my stomach when im around him, where I can look up into his eyes and know that he adores me and that I adore him and just get completely lost in his eyes and never want to look away.. I want him to be able to hold me when I'm upset and let me cry on his shoulder, I want him to be able to be serious with me and let me know when something is going on and make me feel like I am actually helping him and he's taking my advice, etc.. I don't care that he's smart in school (Just don't be a dumbass), I don't care if he does drugs (weed only though :/) or if hes had a rough past, if hes cut before, or attempted suicide, I just want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to be in love and know that it's returned right back. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in public with him, I want to show off to the world that he is mine and I am his. I want to look at him and be in his arms as if time has completely stopped and the world has stopped spinning just for us. I want to be able to trust him with every part of me, I want him to know that I am damaged and accept that and heal up every cracked little part of me.. even the parts that I didn't know needed to be fixed. I don't care if we don't agree on every little thing, I don't need him to want to be a doctor like I do, or find science and medicine or art as interesting as me, I just need to connect. Not in a physical way (though that is good too), but in a mental connection.. to feel like we BELONG together.. that we are not trying to force anything.. And I only had that feeling described above with my ex.. all of it.. it was exactly like that.. though we fought a lot more in between all of the lovey-dovey stuff. So now you think damn, she let all of that go? Well yeah... They are really telling the truth when they say you never know what you have until it's gone. This week has been kind of on and off hell with healing from wisdom teeth surgery and dealing with the depression side effects of hydrocodone, I did end up cutting.. just once, but deeper than ever and on my wrist where its impossible to hide, I'm ashamed.. but I felt like shit... about myself, about life, about the future, the past, everything, and I still feel like shit.. I'm just trying to cover it up I guess and not really think about it. I'm glad I had this entire week off for thanksgiving break, or i would have ended up missing so much school to heal from this stupid surgery.. They said I'd be better in 3 days, nope! A week and 1 day post op and I still hurt.. but not as much as a few days ago, definitely a ton better. Thanksgiving was kind of okay, the food was alright, and I ended up sleeping for most of it since my medication does that.. Christmas is soon.. but it also means December 16th... It would have been our two year anniversary.. hard to believe it's already been that long... time flies.. if only we would have stayed together.. but now my one month with alex is on December 11th.. just 5 days away.......    I really don't want to be with anybody... I just want to be single.. but I can't keep breaking hearts like this.. but I hate being single.. but I can't fall in love.. but I can't trust anyone... but I just need someone to be there for me.. And I've been thinking about it lately.. even if I was the richest, prettiest person in the world.. I still wouldn't be happy. Money nor good looks can buy happiness when you are this depressed. This is not "sad" anymore, this is depressed.. this is what it feels like to be depressed again.. Safe to say I didn't miss it.. 

An Experience

An Experience,

First off, I'm extremely sick ugh. I went to the doctor and I have just a sinus infection but I feel like I'm dying. amazing that I'm still alive honestly lol. Anyways, Things have been kind of up and down. Yes I was still single, and me and him are completely over now. He told me he still wants me but isn't going to stick around where hes not wanted. I feel so bad for breaking his heart like that but it was over before it began and it was never going to go anywhere.. and I'm glad that I ended it with him because I ended up meeting this really sweet guy, Alex. Yeah shocker I'm using a name for the first time but I know that I will get me AND my few readers confused if I keep using (him, ex-boyfriend), etc. Anyways. So Alex is a friend of my BEST friend (Ashley) and I hung out with him in a group on Halloween.. and I don't know, I thought he was instantly cute when I first saw him but of course I was in a relationship and somewhat happy so I didn't really give him much of a second glance. And then on November 4th, me and him and Ashley hung out and went to the mall for sonic blasts and saw The Possession, I instantly made him laugh and I realized how cute he was and how nervous he made me by being so darn cute. He's quiet but I loved that I could make him laugh and he even had some humor in him, and of course we both laughed that Ashley kept jumping with the scary parts... The movie was good, and we got out and we all didn't want the night to end.. so we went to McDonald's and sat down and ordered some food and literally we all just talked, and chatted and laughed and became closer and I kind of flirted with him a bit but I was uncertain if he liked me or not at that point. I barely looked at him, I was trying not to give away that I liked him.. I was afraid that it looked bad I was hopping in and out of relationships.. But I guess it didn't bother him.. we talked for 2 hours and we dropped him off at his house and I got his number from Ashley and we just instantly started texting, and flirting of course.. So I knew he began to like me, and I began to like him too. Then on November 9th, we had a sleepover at ashley's house.. Her parents were gone and somehow we all just ended up staying at her house.. I had work and was only an hour late! But it was still one of the best nights.. We watched stupid cheesy movies and ate pizza and got fat. We switched to TV and had to sit through all of these condom commercials and pregnancy and viagra, sex commercials.. it was very very awkward but we laughed each time by how awkward it was. And it we went to Walmart at like 12 at night and got monsters and ice cream.. Of course we had to be even more fat and not eat JUST pizza! :) but I spoon fed Alex ice cream, and I accidentally got some on his face and freaking laughed so hard, I felt bad but we made a joke later that I should have just licked it off for him. Ashley fell asleep at about 3am maybe? She kept waking up though when the dogs barked or alarms went off. So me and alex just laid apart facing eachother on the couch and held hands all night and talked about our lives, talked about our families and likes and dislikes and past relationships and how we felt about eachother, etc. I kept looking at him, just wanting to kiss him.. but I resisted, I knew we were just considered "friends" but I kissed his hands and his forehead, just as a simple gesture I guess. We didn't sleep at all. and got up at 7:30 to take Ashley's dogs to the kennel. Then we went and got (shocker) MORE FOOD. and He like hugged me from behind in Starbucks and made my heart just tighten, it was so cute of him and just made me smile completely. He wasn't afraid to be with me, He wanted me and thought I was beautiful even without makeup. That's a first. He doesn't know my past yet honestly, and I know he will eventually, Scars are hard to hide. But I hope that maybe he will accept it in stride. (I know this is getting into a super long post) Anyways. So I dropped him off at home saturday morning, and missed him all day and sunday too.. And then on Monday 11/12/12, Ashley's guy she has been interested in for 11 weeks finally asked her out. and I thought wow, how cool their month anniversary is 12/12/12 and then their year is 11/12/13, and I have always LOVED repeating dates so I told her this. and I suppose she told Alex.. and she hinted at me that by the end of the day we'd be twinsies. so I of course I realized he was going to ask me out.. I started mood swinging at about 3rd period though.. and He texted me after school asking if he could call me.. I just said no, I was busy driving home.. I was depressed and crying for no reason (I call PMDD on this one), and I just didn't want him to ask me out or be with him at all.. but I finally got out of my mood swing at about 6p.m. and he asked if he could call me, and of course I said sure.. and he called and said "You know I want to be a couple soo.. will you be my girlfriend?" and I was like "Yes!" so we were official in that moment.. and we kept talking for a bit, mostly just to listen to me do my algebra work haha.. that I fail at. So that's where we're at right now. Happy.. but worried..and terrified that he will realize I'm not as great as he thinks I am.. that I'm actually ugly and not beautiful at all... Hopefully he'll never come to that realization.. but I know that someday he will.. Just let me be happy for a little bit, thats all I want.. and then you can take it away...