Stay Please

Stay Please,

Alright so update time, Homecoming is past, it was actually a fairly fun night, until I kept looking at how thin all of the other girls were, and how much I missed Wil and how I should be here with him, not Connor, but we danced, and I looked great and I tried to put on a fake smile and be happy with everything and act like nothing was bugging me. At the end of the night, me and Connor had alone time and after we walked to my car, he leaned in to kiss me and I had to push him away, and tell him I just wasn't interested in being anything more than friends, which he had already known so I'm not sure why he even tried. Me and Daniel still haven't talked for a while..Thats fine with me but the next time he comes into town (which should be early november), I really hope he doesn't text me and expect me to pity him or even want to see him.. cause honestly I don't.. I just want to move on from him and every guy in my past that has caused me pain.. I found out Alex has a girlfriend, that hurt, I stopped texting him so much.. I don't want to mess up his happiness. But the one that is hurting the MOST, that is Frank.. I miss Frank so much, I swear hes in almost every one of my dreams and it is just killing me, and I wake up and it hurts because they aren't real.. and I honestly know, he's not good for me, he hurt me, he ruined me.. but before all of the pain, he saved me, he was the one at 1 in the morning, holding me in his arms while I cried because I was so upset, and he listened to my rants and my raves, and he kissed me like he loved me, and held me, and always wanted to be with me, and I just wonder what happened to that guy that I fell in love with.. because I didn't fall in love with.. this guy that ignores someone who cares about him, doesn't wanna see or talk or be anything to me.. That is just not who I fell for... but I guess people change, and we have to let them go when they're gone because they aren't going to be coming back.. thats just the hard part of life. Acceptance. It's an easy theory, but actually trying to do it, is not so easy. After homecoming, the next big event is my Halloween partyyyy, which is the 25th, hopefully that will go over pretty well, we are gonna be extremely drunk off our butts for that party, It'll be fun and nice to get away from everything for a while. So, the real important thing is, I'm crushing on a new guy. His name is Lee, and we've been Facebook friends forever it seems, but he finally messaged me like a week ago, and we have just been talking constantly since then, we haven't ever met in person but we have mutual friends and he used to date this girl I HATE HATE HATE, but she is considered a mutual enemy I guess. So I'm not worried he's fake or anything.. He's 21, almost 22 in November, the age worries me a little bit but honestly we are perfect for eachother, we have all of the same likes, like literally.. everything.. same view about the world, people, love, relationships, sex, we like the same type of movies, music, food, color, it is just honestly so scary how alike we are.. I keep thinking that he will be scared off by my weirdness or something but he seems to be holding strong.. I haven't showed him any mood swings though, thankfully I'm not in that phase of my cycle.. I don't want to show him that side of me. I'm officially meeting him for my Halloween party though, I hope it goes well.. I'm extremely nervous, like, so many things could go wrong, so many things could go right.. and he just is practically my dream guy... I'm so scared that as soon as I fall for him, something is just going to happen and rip all of that happiness away from me like it always does.. I hope this time, for once, that he stays in my life.. and even better if we can become friends before dating and establish a better base than I have with any other relationship, cause if I get him as my boyfriend, I sure as hell do not want to give him up.. Maybe even marriage... which would be far off, of course.. Anyways, gotta go do a bunch of homework now.. All core classes really sucks, but I'm excited for January to be done with high school forever, it seems to be going by really quickly, almost too quickly, I'm going to miss all of my friends that are going to be in school until June. 

On a side note though: I've still been thinking about start to smoke cigarettes, good idea or bad.. I don't know.. if I start smoking, I'm sorry future me.. hopefully not until 18 though.. 

Screaming Out

Screaming Out,

Yeah great, it's one of those nights. I binged, and ate and ate and ate and ate, and I don't know why I do that to myself. I eat till I am physically hurting and I regret eating and I feel so guilty and I feel like I am so worthless because I lose all of my control and I just can't stop myself and it's so pathetic, I should be able to know better and stop when my stomach says its full but my mind screams at me to just eat and eat and keep eating because I'm fat and I deserve to pig out and look how I feel like I look and to just destroy myself from the inside out.. and for the first time in the shower I felt like I should just start smoking cigarettes, to help with stress and to help with eating.. but I don't know if I would just get addicted or what would happen, and how stupid of a thing it even is to consider.. but what's worse is that I should not consider even smoking ice again, but I am and I really want to tomorrow night if I can.. I don't even know what's making me feel this way.. Daniel stopped talking to me on Tuesday, just like I knew he would.. going back to Laura and leaving me in the dust like I knew would happen.. I started talking to Ashley again, Asked Connor to homecoming and he said yes. I feel like everything goes up and then everything comes down and falls to the ground just to shatter. Just when I think I am ahead, it just turns to complete shit and it's ridiculous. I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of being here. I always hear well "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't be here right now", Trust me I don't want to be here right now, the only thing that is stopping me is the fact that if I failed again, I would be in the hospital for months, possibly a year or something trying to get help.. being pumped full of drugs that ultimately will make things worse for me.. and I don't think I could handle that, I don't think I could handle slipping back into where I used to be freshman and sophomore year, I should be better than that.. I should either know not to try suicide again and deal with my problems, or at least understand a better way to kill myself than over the counter drugs. Pathetic that I even think like that.. I was driving home, yesterday and there was a curve in the road, that if you didn't follow the curve, would just run into a metal railing and into houses/ditch, and I honestly almost didn't follow the curve, just wanted to go straight, but I was so uncertain that I would die from the impact that I couldn't go through with it, I imagined my parents reactions if I survived the car wreck still alive, I would have no care and I would probably have something broken and be in a lot of pain and suffering, and even worse if they found out it was a suicide attempt instead of just an "accident"... but I'm in so much pain already, what can I do to escape this.. I just want out.. these aren't even mood swings anymore, I'm just so sad.. and I'm hiding it all, but I'm not trying to hide it, it's just the fact that there is nothing to say. I am worthless, useless and broken and dumb and fat and I don't think that being thin or any amount of love, or any college or anything could make me happy. I don't think that I deserve to be happy, because obviously if I was meant to be happy, I think life would have let me know a while back.. Everything just goes downhill, it may slightly go uphill but the downs are so much worse.. it seems impossible to ever get on a straight level. My best friend told me she liked me today, but her and her girlfriend are so , great together, I couldn't imagine her messing up her relationship for me, and I don't even like girls like that... I just have never been so confused about people this much before, I don't understand why somebody would just willingly cheat on the person they have been with for over a year or even a few days.. like come on.. you dedicated your time and commitment to them by saying they are your boyfriend or girlfriend, why would you go behind their back and betray their trust my doing that to them.. I am such a hypocrite. I hate myself.. but I don't even understand why I cheated, so I can't understand why other people cheat either. I just feel like shit about myself, so maybe other people do it for the same reason too.. but that is no excuse, there is never an excuse. You either be honest with your significant other and tell them that you are interested in someone else or you shut your fucking mouth and stay faithful to them.. you can't just go fuck somebody else.. when you are getting plenty of love and care and affection from them.. I am not a back-up plan, I am not a second choice, I won't let anybody use me.. I hate myself and I beat myself up enough about it, I don't need someone else using me to remind me how much of a horrible person I am. How did I ever get this low.. God please let me die in my sleep tonight.. how am I ever going to face school tomorrow, or face another day feeling this way.. I can't do this I can't I can't I can't.. I'm losing it... I don't even want help anymore.. I can't be saved, I'm so far gone.