Hopeless Place

Hopeless Place,

So it's another night.. spending it typing on my bloggity blog blog. I don't know what to say.. My parents got back from their vacation today, and they took me out to dinner and I ate.. that was 4 days straight with no food though, and I'm ashamed of myself for eating.. but that's not the point. I was kinda snappy with my parents when they first got home, because I missed the quiet of the house, nobody caring if I was dressed or in pajamas, makeup or hair done or nothing done at all.. I didn't miss my parents at all.. I hated having a huge house all to myself mostly, because I felt like it was just too big for me all alone.. but I was annoyed to have them back.. and they just wanted to tell stories about their time on vacation and I just didn't want to hear it.. I wasn't mad that they went without me, that was my choice.. but I'm mad because I'm stuck in this city and town and life for about 7 months at the minimum.. and all I want to do is pack up and leave, get away.. I need my own vacation desperately.. What do you do when your demons will always follow you though? My parents just want to take me camping, cause they feel bad that I missed out on vacation.. but I hate camping.. and my mom has the nerve to tell me that I am leading guys on, by hanging out and talking to them and that there honestly should be no guys invited to my birthday party next month.. I don't understand her.. Can I not have male friends? I mean I know that every guy I am inviting has liked me or is an ex-boyfriend, but I am still friends with them and that doesn't change anything and I know it offends people to think that they were not invited to something important like this because they thought I didn't like them or something.. I just couldn't do that to someone. I didn't want to leave anybody out this time. I feel like every single day of my life I always have to make decisions that I don't want to make.. I have to look in the mirror and decide what I want to wear everyday, and what I don't look fat in, and everything like that.. but I look fat in everything, you see my problem? I don't care how many people tell me that I have the perfect body, perfect figure, they're jealous of me, that I lost weight too fast.. no... But I keep switching topics, I apologize.. My brain is just scattered I guess.. I really want to talk to somebody right now. I wish I could.. I don't know what I would say, I don't know why I even want somebody to talk to.. but I just need to cry because I haven't in so long and it's frustrating to know that I am at a point that I am too sad to cry. And it's not like there's any way to comfort me.. I don't know what to do or why I am even so sad.. I got really really drunk last night, after making a stupid mistake.. and the drunker I got, the happier I became and I stopped stressing about everything that was worrying me.. I understand why people become alcoholics now.. I mean I didn't like that everything was spinning and I could hardly stand or walk, but I appreciated the mind numbness and the pure honesty that flowed through my mind when I was texting one of my close friends.. I rarely ever say what I truly want to say to people.. and that's what kills me.. I wish I had the brutal honest quality inside of me, that I wasn't afraid to hurt people who have hurt me. Wil asked me today something that made my mind implode, he asked me if he even interested me anymore.. what I was to him.. was I even trying in the relationship? I said no to the last one, but I don't think he knew that I truly wanted to say that no, I was not interested in him anymore.. and that's what made my mind put everything in to piece. He no longer interested me, He was BORING ! And I didn't realize that until now, didn't ever consider the relationship to be that adjective until now; uninteresting. But it makes perfect since.. because everything with him is predictable, we don't talk, we make out and have sex, we don't go anywhere, we stay in, he begs for money or rides or anything from me, can't repay it back.. and it's always the same.. but I didn't even have the heart to tell him that I basically already dumped him.. I guess he didn't see my Facebook relationship status.. So he still thinks we are dating.. and It's times like these that I wish I was cruel and heartless and bitter inside because being nice gets me drug and trapped in situations that are make me hopelessly miserable.. and it's nights and days and weeks and years like these that make me want to leave this city, so many memories here... Mostly not good anymore.. they were good at the time, but now they just cause me pain.. and it's not like I can avoid driving past certain places, they are necessary to go by sometimes.. and it just brings everything back that I forgot still upset me.... I've been thinking I am completely over my first love... but no.. I looked at his photos yesterday.. and I cried.. cried because we should have been together, cried because his girlfriend is probably 1000x the person I could ever be, cried because our love is no longer existent, cried because I pushed him away and made him hate me, cried because they looked so happy together, they looked great together.. cried because he is happy and I am not. I'm stuck here.. alone.. every single night.. Nobody in my arms, nobody who makes me happy like he did.. and that feeling.. really kills you sometimes.. like a dagger to the chest.. but I shouldn't have looked at those photos... I couldn't help it.. I am forever tortured by the possibilities of the what if.. the could have, should have, never will be... but I looked at my parents today, I saw how in love they were.. and it didn't matter how my mom looked, if she was overweight or had stretchmarks or had anything flawed with her.. she would always be beautiful to my dad. And I wondered if that is just in marriage, if only my dad is like that, or all guys are like that, or what.. because I could never imagine a guy seeing me completely naked, stretchmarks, acne, hair not done, no makeup, and being able to call me beautiful.. and if he did.. I would never believe that he was being truthful..

Broken Relationships

Broken Relationships,

       Wow I just realized that it has been almost 2 months since I have written anything.. Well I honestly don't know what I could say.. How I can sum up all that has happened since then but I guess I will try to.. Me and Wil are currently broken up, we had a fight and just broke up 2 days ago. It's Tuesday afternoon and I haven't eaten anything since Saturday.. I've lost 7.5 pounds just from that, no I don't know why I'm not eating.. I feel hungry and I wake up with hunger pains but something tells me that I do not deserve to eat. Maybe how I treated wil, I don't know.. but me and him we just fight and fight and he annoys me to death.. I keep thinking that this is not how relationships should be, I should always want to be with him and love him and kiss him and need to be around him.. but it's the exact opposite.. I found that I was always making excuses to not see him.. and when we did hang out I would not want to kiss him or talk or do anything much.. and I don't know why.. I don't know why I just couldn't handle a relationship with him.. He confessed to me that he was staying with me because he knew our relationship had a meaning and that he was meant to be with me.. but I just couldn't and never did feel the same way about him. Honestly I haven't had any real feelings toward anyone.. I don't feel as distant as I used to be but I kind of give up on trying to find someone that I will love like I loved Daniel, and that will love me back the way I need to be loved. Relationships are just too complicated.. but of course I'm dating a new guy, long distance but his name is Dyllan.. he lives 11 hours from me, a few states away.. I don't know if this will last or if it will go anywhere honestly, he said hes coming to visit here in a month.. and I turn 17 in exactly a month! Booya! But yeah.. he's a real sweetheart, he's cute, my type of guy and we have so much in common.. of course all my friends were freaked out cause they were wondering what happened to wil.. but it's summer time, I don't have to see wil if I don't want to until school starts again in August so i'm trying to move on as quick as possible so that I never go back to him again. I'm tired of the break up make up situation with him, I need better, I don't care if I'm STILL not dating the right guy.. at least he is a ton better than wil. I get asked alot why I stayed with him for so long, honestly I have no idea.. I couldn't even answer that question when I ask MYSELF it.. I guess cause I was just so desperate to have a relationship work with somebody, anybody, that I forced myself.. June 29th would have been our 5 months.. already it was my second longest relationship.. Mine and Daniel's was 8 months.. I kept thinking that eventually I would fall in love with wil, right? But it had been almost 5 months and I just more and more couldn't stand him, like he was getting better in some areas but other areas were worse. I felt like I was using him as eye candy, and he was using me to get over his ex-girlfriend that he was still in love with.. I mean what guy can honestly stay friends with their ex's? I just haven't been able to do that.. and I don't know how it's even possible because they either have to be in love still or were never in love in the first place... Did I make the right decision ending things with wil? I don't know. I kept telling myself I felt nothing for him.. but I felt something, but it didn't seem enough.. didn't make me want to stay.. I didn't want to be trapped with him.. I was tired of it.. I don't care how cute he is and how long I've already been with him, I had to get out of that.. Uhmmm as far as everything else, I haven't spoken to my ex-best friend in about 2 months, we fell apart pretty quickly.. she chose her boyfriend over her best friend of 6 years and that's all I can say about that.. I'm honestly glad she's out of my life, sometimes I miss having talks with her and ranting my heart out to her but as long as she is with him, I will always be second best, I will never be able to be the closest to her heart anymore, I was replaced majorly and I just wasn't going to stick around to let her continually pick him over me.. I'm not being selfish, I just know that shes making the same choice I made with Daniel.. to pick my boyfriend over all of my friends.. I even told her that, but she didn't listen to me.. so when she realizes that everybody is gone.. She only has herself to blame.. also with another friend, we are no longer friends, because she lied straight to my face about where she was going instead of going to hurricane harbor with us.. she said it was cause her dad wanted her to go college visit.. NOPE It was because she wanted to drive to Oklahoma to see her girlfriend of a week.. ridiculous.. she told everyone else the truth expect for me, then had the courage to lie to me.. and didn't think I would find out.. People really have some nerve.. I will try to write more.. I love writing, I don't care if it's not proper English or grammar but to journal and get everything out, heals me in more ways than therapy or medicine could. Oh.. and nobody worry, I will eat eventually...