I realize

I realize,

So of course, still dating Alex. I saw him last night and it was the first time we hung out alone with eachother.. yeah it was okay, we had fun, we laid on my bed and talked and laughed and talked about our past relationships and everything, but I still don't feel that connection that I'm looking for. The one that I've only had with my ex, and it can't seem to be found in anyone else. I took off of work tonight to hang out with Alex and Ashley and her boyfriend, like a double date. Hopefully it'll go well.. I guess I'm kind of feeling the same way again.. why stay with someone when I know it's not going to work out in the end? I don't think me and Alex will have a future.. he's not really what I want in a guy I guess.. Or am I just saying/thinking that so that I will never find anyone whos right? Am I just trying to protect myself? Probably.. but I can't tell if these feelings are real.. I mean yes I know he's a nice guy, he's really good for me.. he doesn't touch drugs, doesn't drink, isn't all into sex, smart, etc.. But I mean.. that's GREAT but.. that's not.. what.. I want... in a guy.. I want someone who is romantic and passionate, playful and flirty and silly, can make me laugh a million times and make me smile and have butterflies in my stomach when im around him, where I can look up into his eyes and know that he adores me and that I adore him and just get completely lost in his eyes and never want to look away.. I want him to be able to hold me when I'm upset and let me cry on his shoulder, I want him to be able to be serious with me and let me know when something is going on and make me feel like I am actually helping him and he's taking my advice, etc.. I don't care that he's smart in school (Just don't be a dumbass), I don't care if he does drugs (weed only though :/) or if hes had a rough past, if hes cut before, or attempted suicide, I just want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to be in love and know that it's returned right back. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in public with him, I want to show off to the world that he is mine and I am his. I want to look at him and be in his arms as if time has completely stopped and the world has stopped spinning just for us. I want to be able to trust him with every part of me, I want him to know that I am damaged and accept that and heal up every cracked little part of me.. even the parts that I didn't know needed to be fixed. I don't care if we don't agree on every little thing, I don't need him to want to be a doctor like I do, or find science and medicine or art as interesting as me, I just need to connect. Not in a physical way (though that is good too), but in a mental connection.. to feel like we BELONG together.. that we are not trying to force anything.. And I only had that feeling described above with my ex.. all of it.. it was exactly like that.. though we fought a lot more in between all of the lovey-dovey stuff. So now you think damn, she let all of that go? Well yeah... They are really telling the truth when they say you never know what you have until it's gone. This week has been kind of on and off hell with healing from wisdom teeth surgery and dealing with the depression side effects of hydrocodone, I did end up cutting.. just once, but deeper than ever and on my wrist where its impossible to hide, I'm ashamed.. but I felt like shit... about myself, about life, about the future, the past, everything, and I still feel like shit.. I'm just trying to cover it up I guess and not really think about it. I'm glad I had this entire week off for thanksgiving break, or i would have ended up missing so much school to heal from this stupid surgery.. They said I'd be better in 3 days, nope! A week and 1 day post op and I still hurt.. but not as much as a few days ago, definitely a ton better. Thanksgiving was kind of okay, the food was alright, and I ended up sleeping for most of it since my medication does that.. Christmas is soon.. but it also means December 16th... It would have been our two year anniversary.. hard to believe it's already been that long... time flies.. if only we would have stayed together.. but now my one month with alex is on December 11th.. just 5 days away.......    I really don't want to be with anybody... I just want to be single.. but I can't keep breaking hearts like this.. but I hate being single.. but I can't fall in love.. but I can't trust anyone... but I just need someone to be there for me.. And I've been thinking about it lately.. even if I was the richest, prettiest person in the world.. I still wouldn't be happy. Money nor good looks can buy happiness when you are this depressed. This is not "sad" anymore, this is depressed.. this is what it feels like to be depressed again.. Safe to say I didn't miss it.. 

An Experience

An Experience,

First off, I'm extremely sick ugh. I went to the doctor and I have just a sinus infection but I feel like I'm dying. amazing that I'm still alive honestly lol. Anyways, Things have been kind of up and down. Yes I was still single, and me and him are completely over now. He told me he still wants me but isn't going to stick around where hes not wanted. I feel so bad for breaking his heart like that but it was over before it began and it was never going to go anywhere.. and I'm glad that I ended it with him because I ended up meeting this really sweet guy, Alex. Yeah shocker I'm using a name for the first time but I know that I will get me AND my few readers confused if I keep using (him, ex-boyfriend), etc. Anyways. So Alex is a friend of my BEST friend (Ashley) and I hung out with him in a group on Halloween.. and I don't know, I thought he was instantly cute when I first saw him but of course I was in a relationship and somewhat happy so I didn't really give him much of a second glance. And then on November 4th, me and him and Ashley hung out and went to the mall for sonic blasts and saw The Possession, I instantly made him laugh and I realized how cute he was and how nervous he made me by being so darn cute. He's quiet but I loved that I could make him laugh and he even had some humor in him, and of course we both laughed that Ashley kept jumping with the scary parts... The movie was good, and we got out and we all didn't want the night to end.. so we went to McDonald's and sat down and ordered some food and literally we all just talked, and chatted and laughed and became closer and I kind of flirted with him a bit but I was uncertain if he liked me or not at that point. I barely looked at him, I was trying not to give away that I liked him.. I was afraid that it looked bad I was hopping in and out of relationships.. But I guess it didn't bother him.. we talked for 2 hours and we dropped him off at his house and I got his number from Ashley and we just instantly started texting, and flirting of course.. So I knew he began to like me, and I began to like him too. Then on November 9th, we had a sleepover at ashley's house.. Her parents were gone and somehow we all just ended up staying at her house.. I had work and was only an hour late! But it was still one of the best nights.. We watched stupid cheesy movies and ate pizza and got fat. We switched to TV and had to sit through all of these condom commercials and pregnancy and viagra, sex commercials.. it was very very awkward but we laughed each time by how awkward it was. And it we went to Walmart at like 12 at night and got monsters and ice cream.. Of course we had to be even more fat and not eat JUST pizza! :) but I spoon fed Alex ice cream, and I accidentally got some on his face and freaking laughed so hard, I felt bad but we made a joke later that I should have just licked it off for him. Ashley fell asleep at about 3am maybe? She kept waking up though when the dogs barked or alarms went off. So me and alex just laid apart facing eachother on the couch and held hands all night and talked about our lives, talked about our families and likes and dislikes and past relationships and how we felt about eachother, etc. I kept looking at him, just wanting to kiss him.. but I resisted, I knew we were just considered "friends" but I kissed his hands and his forehead, just as a simple gesture I guess. We didn't sleep at all. and got up at 7:30 to take Ashley's dogs to the kennel. Then we went and got (shocker) MORE FOOD. and He like hugged me from behind in Starbucks and made my heart just tighten, it was so cute of him and just made me smile completely. He wasn't afraid to be with me, He wanted me and thought I was beautiful even without makeup. That's a first. He doesn't know my past yet honestly, and I know he will eventually, Scars are hard to hide. But I hope that maybe he will accept it in stride. (I know this is getting into a super long post) Anyways. So I dropped him off at home saturday morning, and missed him all day and sunday too.. And then on Monday 11/12/12, Ashley's guy she has been interested in for 11 weeks finally asked her out. and I thought wow, how cool their month anniversary is 12/12/12 and then their year is 11/12/13, and I have always LOVED repeating dates so I told her this. and I suppose she told Alex.. and she hinted at me that by the end of the day we'd be twinsies. so I of course I realized he was going to ask me out.. I started mood swinging at about 3rd period though.. and He texted me after school asking if he could call me.. I just said no, I was busy driving home.. I was depressed and crying for no reason (I call PMDD on this one), and I just didn't want him to ask me out or be with him at all.. but I finally got out of my mood swing at about 6p.m. and he asked if he could call me, and of course I said sure.. and he called and said "You know I want to be a couple soo.. will you be my girlfriend?" and I was like "Yes!" so we were official in that moment.. and we kept talking for a bit, mostly just to listen to me do my algebra work haha.. that I fail at. So that's where we're at right now. Happy.. but worried..and terrified that he will realize I'm not as great as he thinks I am.. that I'm actually ugly and not beautiful at all... Hopefully he'll never come to that realization.. but I know that someday he will.. Just let me be happy for a little bit, thats all I want.. and then you can take it away...